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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talk me down I'm fuming (CMS CF-ex)

75 replies

Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:26

So he earns £1000 a week. Lives on his own. Had 4:3 shared care but DS decides he's old enough to decide where he wants to live and that's full-time with me. So I tell CMS. They say there's no court order so we'll leave it as it is.

Guess what. He sweet talks DS into coming over. Then he tells me DS has agreed to stay with us equal days. (cannot believe he would agree to that but anyway) He obviously thinks he will not have to pay any CM at all.

Does he really think that he shouldn't have to contribute anything to this child that over the past 8 years he has contributed bugger all to, no school meals, no ever-growing school uniform or shoes, no school trips etc etc

Steam is literally coming out of my ears!!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/08/2021 23:28

How old is dc?

Original poster
Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:29

Coming up for 16.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/08/2021 23:31

You were probably a bit sharp contracting cms, kids change their minds. I would have given it probably 6 months first to see if dc stuck to it.

Original poster
Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:32

It had been 4 months, I should have said that.

OP posts:
actorbynight · 05/08/2021 23:34

Think we need more context. How much do you earn? How many DC do you have? And their ages? What's his relationship like with DS? How independent is your son? Is he still at school?
What does your son want?

user1473878824 · 05/08/2021 23:35

I doesn’t matter how much OP earns. If you have children you pay for them.

actorbynight · 05/08/2021 23:37

So he's literally never paid or contributed anything ?

Flavabobble · 05/08/2021 23:37

My ex tried something like this, he was actually only having him from Thursday night til Sunday morning, yet tried claiming it was 50/50 and didn't need to pay anything. Words were had, and he continued paying, albeit a reduced amount.

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2021 23:38

Tell him that he needs to start paying for actual costs half the school uniform half his school food he cannot demand you pay it all shared care is shared care work out an average clothing/phone/gaming allowance tell him this is what he needs to spend on his son a month

Greystray · 05/08/2021 23:40

I doesn’t matter how much OP earns. If you have children you pay for them.

Evidently he is not.

MichelleScarn · 05/08/2021 23:41

What does ds want? Why when he wants to live ft with you that's all good and great but his then wanting to stay with his dad its only because he's been sweet talked?

Original poster
Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:44

2DC, one adult also living with me. His house is much posher and bigger than mine! I earn less in a month than he does in a week. He's a narcissist (I know that's easy to say but he really is - it's all about his (financial status) 'achievement' in life to him - but long history of emotional and physical abuse.) There have been several incidents involving the children where he has lost his temper and they have refused to go there for a while.
I am so glad I got away from him but every now and then he does something like this and it really gets to me that he can still upset me. I am determined not to vent to the kids so I'm kicking off on here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:47

@actorbynight

So he's literally never paid or contributed anything ?
Nope, apart from trainers for christmas/birthdays. Anything DS needs he says "I give you money for that". I pay for phone contract, even some private medical care he needed.

I really don't want any more contact with him than the very very little I already have, so the idea of negotiating/arguing who pays for what is giving me shudders.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:50

@MichelleScarn

What does ds want? Why when he wants to live ft with you that's all good and great but his then wanting to stay with his dad its only because he's been sweet talked?
I suspect he has said a hard-luck story or said it would be so much fairer if we did 50:50. Ha ha ha. DS is a peacemaker and doesn't want anyone to feel bad, so if the conversation even happened I suspect he just ummed and ahhed rather than saying "YES dad that's a BRILLIANT idea!"
OP posts:
cherish123 · 05/08/2021 23:55

If he lives 50/50, surely you would split the costs of clothing etc. No need for ex to give you money, just pay for half.

Original poster
Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:56

@cherish123

If he lives 50/50, surely you would split the costs of clothing etc. No need for ex to give you money, just pay for half.
How does that happen though? We barely communicate.
OP posts:
Fiddliestofsticks · 06/08/2021 00:00

You dont need to communicate. Your kid just goes over wearing the clothes he has on that day. He doesn't take a bag. His dad needs to make sure he has clothes and toiletries and entertainment stuff and food etc.

wobytide · 06/08/2021 00:03

So does he pay CMS rates already? If he is saying "he already contributes"?

wobytide · 06/08/2021 00:04

"Nope, apart from trainers for christmas/birthdays. Anything DS needs he says "I give you money for that""

What money is he providing?

Maggiesfarm · 06/08/2021 00:06

@Fiddliestofsticks

You dont need to communicate. Your kid just goes over wearing the clothes he has on that day. He doesn't take a bag. His dad needs to make sure he has clothes and toiletries and entertainment stuff and food etc.
The boy is nearly sixteen, it's up to him what he takes to his dad's house. I doubt he'd be happy not to have a change of clothes. Yes his father should provide but that means going out shopping together for some things which may not happen.
Original poster
Twillow · 06/08/2021 00:08

@allwobytide
Apart from the current CM of around £200 a month genuinely nothing. Never pays for a thing. Even asked me to repay a macdonalds famously!

Does wafts around random fivers for the corner shop when DS is there, despite me trying to make him do chores to get pocket money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twillow · 06/08/2021 00:11

@Fiddliestofsticks

I'm not going to say he can't take his clothes or belongings out of my house. I don't want him to be a casualty of this.

How do other people work this out, who pays for what? I already asked him to pay for school meals on his days - he said no.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 06/08/2021 00:37

So the cms said even though he was with you for 3 months they couldnt get money off of ex?

spongedog · 06/08/2021 00:42

My DC is also nearly 16 and there is a court order stating 50:50 which ex went after so he didnt have to pay maintenance. So I havent received any in quite a number of years. Ex earns many multiples of my salary and also has a lavish lifestyle.

My DC know exactly which parent supports them in their interests. And indeed in actually noticing and buying clothes that fit them. (I let DC choose). They return to my house in things that are several years too small. But despite that they are still not quite ready to wave their other parent goodbye. I no longer care - we are now 10 years after separation. So when my DC have to go to their other parent - I just remind them to pack suitable clothes for all weathers. I pay for all of that out of my earnings, child benefit and the tiny bit of cash I get from selling 2nd hand clothing.

But I get the anger - the other parent abdicates any co-operation and no-one cares.

Original poster
Twillow · 06/08/2021 00:47

@whynotwhatknot
That's right. They said they wouldn't change the payments as there was no court order, even though there never has been. Now it feels like just because I told them the truth it has got his back up and he is trying to do anything he can to stop contributing anything. I hate him. Why doesn't he appreciate I use all that money for him and to keep our standard of living up - special diet for wieght training etc - anything he needs. It's not like I can afford any extras for myself - I don't have a gym membership or takeaways all the time like he does. I just don't want to have to start refusing to pay for things and arguing with him over it, but that £200 a month makes a big difference to me - it's 20% of my income. To him what's £200 out of £4000? It's all a power ploy.

OP posts: