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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Talk me down I'm fuming (CMS CF-ex)

75 replies

Twillow · 05/08/2021 23:26

So he earns £1000 a week. Lives on his own. Had 4:3 shared care but DS decides he's old enough to decide where he wants to live and that's full-time with me. So I tell CMS. They say there's no court order so we'll leave it as it is.

Guess what. He sweet talks DS into coming over. Then he tells me DS has agreed to stay with us equal days. (cannot believe he would agree to that but anyway) He obviously thinks he will not have to pay any CM at all.

Does he really think that he shouldn't have to contribute anything to this child that over the past 8 years he has contributed bugger all to, no school meals, no ever-growing school uniform or shoes, no school trips etc etc

Steam is literally coming out of my ears!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Twillow · 06/08/2021 00:50

@spongedog
Yes I get that. They still maintain the wish to have a good relationship with their father, even though I think they know at heart he's a pretentious arse that can't be trusted to have their best interests at heart. I have learned to bite my tongue!

OP posts:

whynotwhatknot · 06/08/2021 00:55

sounds wrong erpecially since you don't need a court order

50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/08/2021 00:59

You're right that it's about power and control which means you can only move on by stepping out of the situation.

No it isn't fair that you pay the bulk of the cost of raising the children, not is it right or moral, but this is what it is.

The fastest way to feel peaceful about the situation is to accept it. Not to condone it but to forget hopes of fairness or him ever behaving with decency. Accept him as the prick that he is, focus on yourself and your kids. In a year or so you'll be shot of him.

Original poster

Twillow · 06/08/2021 01:03

@50ShadesOfCatholic

Love your user name! Yes you're right, I am mentally composing snarky emails but I know it's not in my best interests to send them! I am calming down, you all (and the whisky) helped, thank you!

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 06/08/2021 01:07

I think at 16 you have to say your dad says you are there 50/50 so he’s not giving me any money anymore, I can’t buy you special diet food I’m sorry. You know I try hard to get you everything you want but that 200 a month made a difference. 16 year olds can know what’s real.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/08/2021 05:33

[quote Twillow]@50ShadesOfCatholic

Love your user name! Yes you're right, I am mentally composing snarky emails but I know it's not in my best interests to send them! I am calming down, you all (and the whisky) helped, thank you![/quote]
Good for you. Don't let him get to you!!

Iwonder08 · 06/08/2021 07:07

Given he is 16 you have another 2 years if that with this issue on your hands. Given he wants 50/50 I wouldn't waste my energy on this battle. He is 16, you don't really nerd to talk to your ex about splitting expenses, you can outsource it all to your son. If he needs new trainers or phone he should tell his dad.

Theunamedcat · 06/08/2021 07:22

[quote Twillow]@Fiddliestofsticks

I'm not going to say he can't take his clothes or belongings out of my house. I don't want him to be a casualty of this.

How do other people work this out, who pays for what? I already asked him to pay for school meals on his days - he said no.[/quote]
He is refusing to pay for school meals on his day? Tell ds your not paying so dad needs to pay or provide food if the school ring you about no money on the account direct them to dad

Onlinedilema · 06/08/2021 07:34

What a shit.
Dont expect CMS to help they are shut too.
If would try and limit any contact with your ex down to the bare minimum, zero if possible.
The stark truth is this:
Either you stump up the cash or your child will go without.
Do you think your ex would see your child to to school without dinner money? Plenty would. Can you tell your son to make up a packed lunch using food from his dad's house, is that an option? As for clothing I would tell your ds to make sure he packed a bag with enough clothing to last. If possible leave his dirty laundry there too for the ex to sort.
Bottom line it is not be long until your ex doesn't have to support him. Don't lie to your son let him see what his father is, he will make up his own mind as an adult.

Naunet · 06/08/2021 08:09

@actorbynight

Think we need more context. How much do you earn? How many DC do you have? And their ages? What's his relationship like with DS? How independent is your son? Is he still at school? What does your son want?

What does any of this have to do with a parent financially providing for his son?!

Marmitemarinaded · 06/08/2021 08:14

16?

Fgs give your son some credit

“Sweet talked”. He’s 16. This is his father. He made a decision.

Marmitemarinaded · 06/08/2021 08:15

And if he genuinely is there equal days…. Then I can’t see an issue

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/08/2021 08:16

[quote Twillow]@whynotwhatknot
That's right. They said they wouldn't change the payments as there was no court order, even though there never has been. Now it feels like just because I told them the truth it has got his back up and he is trying to do anything he can to stop contributing anything. I hate him. Why doesn't he appreciate I use all that money for him and to keep our standard of living up - special diet for wieght training etc - anything he needs. It's not like I can afford any extras for myself - I don't have a gym membership or takeaways all the time like he does. I just don't want to have to start refusing to pay for things and arguing with him over it, but that £200 a month makes a big difference to me - it's 20% of my income. To him what's £200 out of £4000? It's all a power ploy.[/quote]
CMS can change it without a court order. Get back in touch with them. But if he has him 50/50 they'll change it to nothing I imagine.

You've only got two Ish years of maintenance left and if 200 is 20% of your income you need to start thinking what you'll do when it stops...

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 06/08/2021 08:27

If he is there equal days because your son agreed to that then what’s the issue?
He already pays maintenance.

RedHelenB · 06/08/2021 08:31

How about he lives full time with Dad?

scottgirl · 06/08/2021 10:07

So your income is 1K a month? Is that correct? Surely with a child you would be entitled to Universal Credit or something?

Marmitemarinaded · 06/08/2021 10:32

@scottgirl

So your income is 1K a month? Is that correct? Surely with a child you would be entitled to Universal Credit or something?

She would

AndTime · 06/08/2021 10:51

Claim universal credit for a start.

Secondly I am slightly confused, is he trying to pay nothing at all, suggesting he stops paying the maintenance because he is having him 50:50?

Surely then it is down to him to pay for the special diet and half of all ds costs directly instead then? And make sure he does indeed have him 50:50

user1471457751 · 06/08/2021 10:59

Every parent should pay for their children but it sounds like he already does. Maybe I've misunderstood but to me it reads that he has been paying £200p/m plus having almost 50/50 care.

In the wider context, now is a good time to plan for what will happen when your son turns 18. You only have 2 years before you lose that £200 and any entitlement to universal credit will reduce without a dependent child, so you need to consider your options like increasing your working hours to fulltime.

RandomMess · 06/08/2021 11:05

@user1471457751 no he gives the op £0 and refuses to pay for any costs including school lunches, uniform, activities.

Original poster

Twillow · 06/08/2021 11:10

Not everyone who has responded has quite 'got' the issues, sorry if I didn't put all relevant info at the start. Different opinions are useful though.

I'd rather have DS with me with no financial support than genuinely have 50:50. It won't work practically and also 100% know ex is only saying it to avoid paying.
If you've any experience with a narcissistic abuser then you would understand why I said 'sweet-talked'. If the conversation even happened, I would not judge my son, who is intelligent and responsible, for keeping quiet.
And I'm certainly not going to punish DS for his father's attitude by making him carry messages and feel bad about asking for what he needs.

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/08/2021 11:12

@Twillow

Not everyone who has responded has quite 'got' the issues, sorry if I didn't put all relevant info at the start. Different opinions are useful though.

Why will it not work practically when he is 16? Is he not independent?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/08/2021 11:14

@wobytide

So does he pay CMS rates already? If he is saying "he already contributes"?

I was just thinking that, he contributes as you say plus has pretty much 50/50 so shares the costs that way too. His earnings compared to yours are irrelevant, your children are old enough not to need childcare so you aren’t limited by hours to work etc.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/08/2021 11:17

I'd rather have DS with me with no financial support than genuinely have 50:50

Yet you went to the CMS for more child support …. Doesn’t quite tally with that statement.

Original poster

Twillow · 06/08/2021 11:18

@user1471457751
Yes, you have it right that's how it has been and while I think he should pay for costs incurred on his days I have paid it anyway as he has always refused, even half of school trips.

I won't need that money once DS goes to uni or whatever anyway, so I'm not worried about maintaining the income long-term.

OP posts:

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