Talk me down I'm fuming (CMS CF-ex)

[Twillow]

So he earns £1000 a week. Lives on his own. Had 4:3 shared care but DS decides he's old enough to decide where he wants to live and that's full-time with me. So I tell CMS. They say there's no court order so we'll leave it as it is.

Guess what. He sweet talks DS into coming over. Then he tells me DS has agreed to stay with us equal days. (cannot believe he would agree to that but anyway) He obviously thinks he will not have to pay any CM at all.

Does he really think that he shouldn't have to contribute anything to this child that over the past 8 years he has contributed bugger all to, no school meals, no ever-growing school uniform or shoes, no school trips etc etc

Steam is literally coming out of my ears!!

So what’s the issue then, if you don’t care about the money?

But who cares his reasoning
If he’s genuinely having him 50/50 - then correct no maintenance and no problem
If he’s not paying maintenance but having him less than 50/50 - then that is a problem

Either way - you son is practically an adult.

I thought your whole post was because he wouldn’t give you more money? Yet now you’re saying you would rather not have the money.

Yes it’s all for a bit confusing as to why you’ve started the thread OP
What are you fuming about?!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I'd rather have DS with me with no financial support than genuinely have 50:50

Yet you went to the CMS for more child support …. Doesn’t quite tally with that statement.

Yeah I held fire over it for a few months. But it does say by law you should inform them of changes to shared care. I don't believe I did anything wrong in informing them.

Given a choice of having nothing at all from exH or having to frequently interact over money and put DS in the firing line I'd definitely prefer the former!

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

I thought your whole post was because he wouldn’t give you more money? Yet now you’re saying you would rather not have the money.

I read it as OP being frustrated by her exHs controlling attitude and belligerence, he seeks power by refusing to pay. I can fully understand why this would grate.

OP is explaining she doesn't need money long term, she's just feeling frustrated by his attitude.

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

So what’s the issue then, if you don’t care about the money?

Obviously, the money makes things a little easier. The point of CM is to try and reduce financial inequalities in the child's two home lives. I do work, bloody hard, and unfortunately, the service industry is not well-paid. I could up my hours - but I do school runs for DS as the bus is a difficult time-consuming one. Or I could work evenings as well, they're old enough to leave on their own - but it's our family life and we enjoy time together. I keep trying to explain that the point is it's awful to be sweet-talking his child into staying over or lying about shared cared specifically to avoid paying CM. Not a drip-feed as not relevant to CM at all but this has also come on the back of some nasty financial control-related messaging from exH (clean break divorce so no spousal maintenance involved). I'll cope with it all, as usual. But I'm exhausted!

@50ShadesOfCatholic
Amen!

@50ShadesOfCatholic why would he give her more money when she gets child maintenance and he has them 50/50?

Maybe the OP needs to reevaluate her attitude

[quote Rebornagain]@50ShadesOfCatholic why would he give her more money when she gets child maintenance and he has them 50/50?

Maybe the OP needs to reevaluate her attitude[/quote]
What's wrong with my attitude? Am I coming off as money-grabbing?
He is saying he's going to tell CMS he has DS 50:50. But I don't believe for a second it's what will happen or what DS wants.
I'll come back on here next time exH has one of his tantrums while DS is there...last time the police were involved.

I’m gobsmacked by the responses you’re getting here @Twillow I can only assume people’s reading comprehension is poor?

I totally hear you, and your frustration. And I feel for your son. It is very difficult indeed to be the child of such a parent. Sadly, I’m my experience there’s not a lot you can do. It sucks

[quote Rebornagain]@50ShadesOfCatholic why would he give her more money when she gets child maintenance and he has them 50/50?

Maybe the OP needs to reevaluate her attitude[/quote]
I can't see anything wrong with her attitude. Yours on the other hand...

OP is thinking she's entitled . 50/50 = no maintenance. Lap it up and split costs like an Adult

@LaProcureure

I’m gobsmacked by the responses you’re getting here *@Twillow* I can only assume people’s reading comprehension is poor?

I totally hear you, and your frustration. And I feel for your son. It is very difficult indeed to be the child of such a parent. Sadly, I’m my experience there’s not a lot you can do. It sucks

Some posters get off on kicking someone when they're down. It's a thing.

@eminem120176

OP is thinking she's entitled . 50/50 = no maintenance. Lap it up and split costs like an Adult

That would be ideal but I'm not sure you've rtft.

Some posters get off on kicking someone when they're down. It's a thing.

Yeah I'm bowing out now. I came for a shoulder not a kicking, even if it is AIBU.
Thanks to those who get me though.

Agreed I does take two adults. Without this you can only go CMS tbh

The timescales are a bit confusing. You had 50/50 for some time, and he paid maintenance of £200 a month to you, which was quite generous if it was a 50/50 arrangement. 4 months ago, your DS started to spend more time at yours, and so you decided to go to CMS to increase the maintenance accordingly. Your ex spoke to your DS and he agreed to get back to a 50/50 arrangement and he now wants to stop the £200?

I can indeed imagine that your ex was on a mission to get your DS to continue to leave with him half of the time, but frankly, you choosing to only work PT when you only have a 16yo at home 1/2 of the time is pretty lazy, so I can see why he would be reluctant to pay for your lifestyle and make up for your low hours.

The having to pick up your DS does sound like an excuse for not working more hours.

you have to make sure he does have him 50/50 and on those days he will have to pay for your sons keep .

@eminem120176

OP is thinking she's entitled . 50/50 = no maintenance. Lap it up and split costs like an Adult

Spectacularly missing the OP's point. The other parent does not pay the 50% of the costs that he should pay when his child is living with him, expecting the OP to pay daily costs of parenting not only for when her son is living with her, but also when he is living at his father's.

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom

She isn’t. What on earth are you on about.

The father is saying 50/50 and no maintenance
The op is stamping her feet and saying - give me money anyway.
The op doesn’t believe 50/50 will actually happen
Fair enough
If it doesn’t - then you get “fuming” because you’re missing out.
At the moment it’s speculation

And I’m so baffled that the “child” in question is 16.

50/50? At that age? Plain odd

@LaProcureure

I’m gobsmacked by the responses you’re getting here *@Twillow* I can only assume people’s reading comprehension is poor?

I totally hear you, and your frustration. And I feel for your son. It is very difficult indeed to be the child of such a parent. Sadly, I’m my experience there’s not a lot you can do. It sucks

Same! Bloody hell. The OP saying that she would rather have her son “full time with her, not 50/50 and forget about the child support” does NOT mean her ex shouldn’t financially support his son. It’s not like he can’t afford to by the sound of it. I’m so fucking sick of resident parents (usually mothers) being expected to just put up and shut up with this crap attitude from non resident parents (usually fathers). Why is this? Why is the expectation from many on a parenting site that is more often used by women/mothers?

OP, I totally see it from your point of view and can sympathise due to my own shitty, abusive ex manipulating our children. CMS aren’t fantastic about sorting this stuff out with NRP who dig their heels in though, in my experience.

@Marmitemarinaded

But who cares his reasoning If he’s genuinely having him 50/50 - then correct no maintenance and no problem If he’s not paying maintenance but having him less than 50/50 - then that is a problem

Either way - you son is practically an adult.

He refuses to pay or do anything associated with the chikd on his time so food at school still her responsibility clothing still her responsibility everything is her responsibility 🤔 how is that 50/50

@Theunamedcat

The “child” in question is 16.
If he goes to his father and his father refuses to spend a penny - he will be out of there like a shot! And then The op would have case for be “fuming” if the 50/50 was no longer happening.

At 16 - the boy should be beginning to manage his own relationship with his father. And that often involves money discussions! Ie please can I have a tenner as meeting friends in town etc

[quote Marmitemarinaded]@Theunamedcat

The “child” in question is 16.
If he goes to his father and his father refuses to spend a penny - he will be out of there like a shot! And then The op would have case for be “fuming” if the 50/50 was no longer happening.

At 16 - the boy should be beginning to manage his own relationship with his father. And that often involves money discussions! Ie please can I have a tenner as meeting friends in town etc[/quote]
True but even at 16 he cannot manage his own school meals account that requires a parent OP says she takes him to school daily my question would be why isnt dad on his time? She pays for the gym all the clothing etc why isn't dad? 50/50 will only work out if both parents step up to there responsibility on there times

Personally I wouldn't put a 16 year old in the firing line asking for food clothing and lifts and thats where he has got her she won't expect her son to do it so she does it all

If it were me he would be fucked because I would tell the school I was paying for my week bill dad for his and I would up my working hours so I wasn't available to do the school run in dads time shoes broke? Dads turn clothing? Ask dad lifts? Your dad can call an uber seriously you wanted to parent 50/50 you go for it fill your boots see how long dad lasts