Guilty and very uncomfortable about it. How many of you feel guilty for not contributing financially to the home? Married or not is a family unit and...

[Flowersandteaforall]

Just that really.
We manage with one income and not a lot of disposable money but still doable. I do 90 percent of the house chores and we are both very involved in raising our only child. He is a great dad and is very generous with his money too. I feel bad for not contributing financially (I used to work self-employed so earnings were inconsistent and little) to sum up he is the main earner and I'm a sahm that feels the guilt.

I have no experience of this situation really as I am sole breadwinner so being a sahm would be impossible.

FWIW I don’t think guilt is an appropriate emotion. It doesn’t sound as if the situation is inconvenient to your DH. And you are doing the domestic work to support him.

I would worry about your own financial freedom and autonomy though. I assume your kids are quite small now but over the lifetime of a marriage it’s not very secure or healthy for one partner to be totally financially dependent on the other.

Do you have plans to go back to work?

Sorry see you have just one child. All the easier to go back to work when possible.

I'm going to follow if that's ok as this is affecting me at the moment too, although slightly differently.

I'm not a SAHM, I work part time for minimum wage whereas my DH has a good job with scope for progression and a much higher salary so he does contribute far more financially. I'll be going on mat leave again soon so will be essentially putting less in the pot and feel very aware of that at the minute.

It's hard because I want a better, more well paid role but my confidence is so low after being in the job I'm in now for so long! And our family life could be much improved if I found the boost I needed to improve my employment.

Sorry I don't have any advice to offer but you're not alone, and I'll be interested to see what other posters say

Well you are contributing by providing full time child care.

I earn about half of what dh does and I do feel guilty. However with higher paying jobs comes higher stress and I would rather not be stressed at work. I just tell myself that I mustn't grumble about the house being shabby or driving old bangers when i don't want to look for a higher paid job.

I’m the breadwinner in our family and dh is the sahp. I don’t feel any ill will towards him for not earning, our children come first and are better cared for by a parent than a stranger imo. The way I see it, we both have worthy jobs, mine to pay the mortgage and him to care for the homeland children. Both equally of worth so I don’t think you should feel guilty; your contributions to the family are valid.

Is he doing or saying anything to make you feel like he doesn’t like the arrangement? The best way to help with feeling guilty would be to have an open and frank conversation about the arrangement so any grievances can be aired.

I’m working now but never felt guilty in the slightest. Why would you feel guilty?

I’ve only ever worked very pt or not at all so my husband has always been the main earner , always had completely shared and accessible finances which I manage . I won’t say I do most of the chores because that would be a lie , I do 95% of the catering and 100% of the laundry . I have never felt remotely guilty as I think our arrangement benefits him as much as it benefits me . We have been married for 30+ years , it works for us .

You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. I’ve been the only one working in our household for 2 years and it’s much easier having someone at home. You are providing care and running the home and when children and little that’s often harder than being at work!

I have the opposite issue. I feel guilty for the fact that I do work full time (as does DP) and therefore we have to put out 8 month old into FT nursery in 5 months time so we can both continue to contribute financially to our home. I feel such immense guilt for that reason. So I think you can't win... 🤷‍♀️

If you’re feeling so bad what is stopping you working?

I'm a SAHM. Originally was contracting before DS was born so no maternity so just stopped work for a while. We have a limited company so it was more beneficial for both of us for me to take dividends and use my tax allowance than start work once DS was school aged, so I did some voluntary work. Then we started home educating......so really it's not an option now. But in all honesty I run our lives, everything, full access to money and I've got a pension on the go still. DH has never once made me feel guilty. I have brought money in over the years before DS and probably will again sometime in the future, but we are a team regardless. My life admin means he doesn't have to think about that side of things, his 9-5 means I don't have to worry about our finances. It seems to balance out for us, but there is a lot of respect in our relationship.

@babyblues21 is totally right. You will feel guilty whatever you do. It’s a totally pointless emotion.

Unsure why you feel guilty , you are more than contributing your fair share. We have been conditioned to believe our value is only in the ££ we earn and it is about time society valued other ways of contributing. If you feel uncomfortable because you have no access to money or your husband makes you feel bad or you are fed up and feel unfulfilled those are other issues to deal with .

I went back to work, part time, after having our only DS3. I have just been offered a full time job. Our son is going to school next year and I see no reason to be part time anymore. I've loved the time with my boy but I have always been very aware of the financial side of things. My DH has a good job, well paid but I want to earn more, contribute more and have money of my own to save. I would feel the same way OP. But you are running the home, it's not like you spend his money on you and have holidays with your mates on his money. I'd going to work an option for you? Kids make the balance shift but if you can change it for the better, you can. There is no right or wrong way to do something. Talk to your DH, tell him how you feel. It might help sort things out in your head, giving you freedom to think about what you want to do.

Guilt is a troubling emotion because it suggests you think there is no monetary value to your unpaid work. There is! Price up what it would cost to have a cleaner, cook, launderer, housekeeper and recognise that is the financial contribution you offer. Make it very clear to yourself and your spouse.

More important is that you feel unhappy about the situation. Why don't you look at finding PT work or rebuilding and developing your SE work so that it brings in a steadier income for a couple of days a week? That way you bring some money in, and should use some to save and for your own pension pot as well as having money to contribute towards home expenditure and things like buying your own clothes, DH's birthday present or going out with friends, which can all feel very uncomfortable if you have to get the money from your partner to pay for them.

If your child is very young, and you would need to pay for a nanny or full-time nursery if you worked, then I think it's fine not to work. If they are school-age then I absolutely think you should be working.

I am a firm believer any set up can work as long as you are "a team" and it works for both of you.

If you are happy with doing 90% and home, and both of you value each other there's no problem.
Personally i wouldn't want your set up as i think your job is harder!! If my DH was doing everything at home and i was working i would feel guilty as working is way more rewarding and often easier.

If you aren't happy... change it, get out and start working!

@Sleepingdogs12

Unsure why you feel guilty , you are more than contributing your fair share. We have been conditioned to believe our value is only in the ££ we earn and it is about time society valued other ways of contributing. If you feel uncomfortable because you have no access to money or your husband makes you feel bad or you are fed up and feel unfulfilled those are other issues to deal with .

Yep this, value is not measured only in financial contributions. You sound like you do a lot and consider the cost of those jobs if they were paid if you want to look at it in financial terms.

I feel the opposite. I am bringing up our only disabled child and DH makes me feel like he’s doing everything by being the sole earner. It’s like my role as mother means nothing. I am constantly made to feel small about spending any money at all - with the constant reminders that it isn’t mine.

Nope.

DH is sole breadwinner. I am sole house manager. Both of us work hard. We could split things equally but he's a workaholic so would hate to have to pander to me working outside of the home.

As it stands whilst I don't work I do get a monthly income for personal spends, I have savings, a pension and my NI is covered.

I’d not feel guilty if it was the situation but I would never want to be financially reliable on anyone else. Important to me that if my DH died/marriage broke down I could support my children. I also enjoy and am motivated by my career. Maternity leave was great but I am glad it was temporary.

Unless you're struggling financially, I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about and I absolutely hate this narrative that sahms are work shy, don't contribute blah blah.

I'm a working mum, and unfortunately not in a position to sah with my l.o, but if I was I would - in a heartbeat. Someone has to look after the l.o you created, why not you? Who better to look after your child?

Dont for a second feel guilty. You're doing the best by your child and family.

YANBU. You are doing the most important job of all - raising your child. Being with them is far more important so don’t feel guilty, feel proud

I'm a working mum, and unfortunately not in a position to sah with my l.o, but if I was I would - in a heartbeat.

Me too.