Guilty and very uncomfortable about it. How many of you feel guilty for not contributing financially to the home? Married or not is a family unit and...

[Flowersandteaforall]

Just that really.
We manage with one income and not a lot of disposable money but still doable. I do 90 percent of the house chores and we are both very involved in raising our only child. He is a great dad and is very generous with his money too. I feel bad for not contributing financially (I used to work self-employed so earnings were inconsistent and little) to sum up he is the main earner and I'm a sahm that feels the guilt.

I don't understand this. Arguably, you are "earning" whatever the cost of full time childcare would be plus all the cost of someone else doing all the domestic chores. Or, more accurately, you are saving the household that amount of money? So don't feel guilty.

I can sympathise in a different way. I'm a full time working lone parent and I put my DD in nursery 5 days a week. She receive no financial contribution from her father and I feel extreme guilt because my salary pays the essentials like rent and childcare. I feel guilty that I can't spoil her more and that I don't have lots of disposable income to do spontaneous thing.. But ultimately, the same as you.. Our children are safe and happy and there is nothing to feel guilty about. Your husband is obviously fully supportive of you not working so I hope your guilt does subside..

I felt like you when I wasn’t working, because I’d never not worked. I’ve had jobs since I was 16 and it just didn’t feel right that I wasn’t earning.
I did a course, retrained and now that the dc are older, I earn ok money working term time.
If you want to change things, you can.
I’m not saying you should but if that feeling of guilt is coming from you, then address what your feelings actually are and whether you want to change anything.

What is stopping you from getting a job then?

Having a SAH parent during the lockdown has been a life saver for so many families! Not having to juggle work with childcare and homeschooling, you made your DH's life so much easier, you have nothing to be guilty about.

The stress of having to deal with multiple nursery/school closures, isolations... because the other parent is available is invaluable too.

When things calm down, and your child goes to school full time, why not dedicating 3 or 4 hours a day to work again. Plenty of time left for chores and childcare. You might not be able to pay the mortgage on 20 hours a week work ,but you will feel like you are contributing (and most of your income will be tax free). Isn't that an option?

*NOT having the stress to...

Why feel guilty? There are many ways to contribute to the family than financial.
Money is really nothing in the scheme of things, as long as you can pay immediate bills.
Some families find it much better to have a sahp, be that mum or dad.
It's what works for you.
Money wasn't an interest for us as we live frugally, so one low income does for us.

Are you a SAHM because you just got tired of working, or because you and DH jointly made the decision that it was best for your family and particularly your child? If the latter, then why feel guilty? If the former, and you don't believe you staying home is what's best for everyone, then maybe consider picking up something part-time if you're so worried about it.

If this is your mutually agreed arrangement, then why feel guilty? You should only feel guilty if you have reneged on some agreement e.g. if you have agreed you'd both work but you have decided yourself not to seek work. As long as this is the set up that both of you are content with, then fine.

guilt is a waste of energy & mental resources.

so YABU for eeling guilty. cut it out

*feeling

DH and I agreed before having children that we wanted one parent to be at home when they were under 5. Practically, and financially, it made sense for that person to be me.

I felt bad at times. As did DH for missing out on some things. But, providing a stable home environment, being there for emotional support and keeping a balance was just as important as providing financially.

I have worked part time (or an hourly rate) at times but have, also, needed to be on hand to deal with certain situations (mental health issues for family members, my mum’s deteriorating health/death, etc.).

We’ve had our ups and downs but try to keep the wider picture in mind.

Very supportive replies, thanks! I feel a bit better and definitely less lonely.

Would echo the point about thinking ahead, i.e. what you would do if relationship went pear shaped, or DH died.

Not nice things to think about but it is very sensible.

I was feeling just ready as a single parent to re-enter the paid workforce when the pandemic struck last March - and the schools closed. But my health took a turn for the worse and I was faced with 10 months home schooling so had to put my plans on hold.

Difficult and took a toll on my self confidence, but out the other end of GCSE year now and I'm not sorry it was that way, as it was an investment for DD's future as I see it.

Hoping my divorce settlement will come through soon and wil lthen have a bit of money behind me, and hopefully time for the pandemic to ease somewhat and work from home perhaps.

I guess as a mother there is always something you could potentially feel guilty about...working/not working/in a relationship/not in a relationship...providing/not providing enough...

As others have said, guilt doesn't really produce anything useful although I'm sure we all feel it at times. If you ask me it is societal conditioning.

I remember the days of the Superwoman book Shirley Conran who later said she regretted writing it at all because it was an unrealistic view of women that they could 'have it all' and made women feel inadequate.

Being a good enough mother is enough.

I don’t feel guilty AT ALL, I’m bloody knackered!

I'm saving my husband a bloody fortune on childcare, a cleaner, a cook and a PA to deal with his life admin. Lucky man.

I think you are being unreasonable

Your family sound happy, where's the problem?

What's stopping you go back to work?

I work a couple of nights a week, we could manage without it, but I feel better contributing and it means I have access to work which is important as a woman I think. I'm happily married but that could change. My children are older though so I'm not as knackered in the evenings as sahms with little ones!

You really are doing the most important job of all. I was a sahm mum for 7 years and now work very part time. I do all the house chores, all the shopping, cooking and can attend any school activities and be involved with the PTA. For us a family it's a perfect balance. I don't feel guilty in the slightest but I do feel greatful that I am able to do it.

Guilt is my default emotion since having kids.

I work 3 days a week and I have done since going back after my first Mat Leave 6 years ago.

I feel guilty for going to work and leaving the kids, I feel guilty that I enjoy leaving them, I feel guilty that I don't earn that much and feel guilty that the main financial burden is on DH.

I am mentally exhausted. Juggling everything even only on part time hours.

Right now as much as I'd get frustrated having the kids 24/7 I would give up work in a heartbeat.
I'm overwhelmed.

If it works for you and your family try not to feel guilty. We do what we think is best.

Guilt is my default emotion since having kids.

I can relate

I am the main earner in our family and DH is more or less a SAHD now (he did work full time when we first met and until our son was 2 but gave up for health reasons). He does some freelance work very part time that he does around DS (who is now 7).

It doesn't bother me at all and the arrangements work very well for us all. DS always has his dad to take him to school and collect him so no breakfast/after school club. If I need to work late, it's not a problem.

I get all school holidays with them as I am a teacher so that's an added bonus.

It's not about who earns more. It's about what is best for the individual family. If you and your husband are happy with the set up, that's all that matters.

You are working equally hard, so no reason to feel guilty.

Actually that is a though as mentioned by a pp. If you can afford it decent health insurance is a good idea if this will be long term. If heaven forbid my DH were to die the mortgage would be paid off and there would be enough income for us to live until I was able to get a job.