Only one grandchild given money

mainsfed · 16/05/2021 22:53

YANBU, sounds very hurtful. I wouldn’t raise it with sibling though, I’m assuming they didn’t force your mum to give the money to their child.

However, it sounds like there is a bigger problem coming whereby your mum will have very little savings left to live off. How does she pay her rent now? Someone needs to tell her to save her money.

Original poster

pumpkin12 · 16/05/2021 22:59

She covers her bills with her pensions but over spends every month so yes she's is absolutely going to run out of money very soon. It's a constant discussion but my mum takes little notice. She will still manage to pay her rent etc once savings gone but no money for luxuries - I'm talking about cigarettes and scratch cards which I'm disappointed for her how much she spends on that if honest... That's another issue!

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 16/05/2021 23:00

Well at least your children won't be obliged to sub her when she's spent all her money and can't afford the rent...

Onlinedilema · 16/05/2021 23:03

Did you feel the grandchild's parent was the favoured sibling when you were growing up? Is that what the issue is?

Original poster

pumpkin12 · 16/05/2021 23:07

That's very true I absolutely wouldn't be in a position to help. I wouldn't have took the money from her savings or would have made sure it was a fair smaller split between the kids. It's all a big mess really, I guess I'm just hurt with the recent revelation as things like this always look like favouritism. I've put up with it all my life in smaller ways but when it my kids it's not good.

OP posts:

Original poster

pumpkin12 · 16/05/2021 23:11

That sibling was the one who got all their help and attention because of wild ways and then later on sever mental health difficulty but has been settled on meds for around 20 years but does do a lot of things to help admin/checks in because lives local etc so for that reason absolutely the favoured one. I always kept my nose clean and got on with things.

OP posts:

Brainwave89 · 16/05/2021 23:14

Sorry but it is her money. It follows she is free to enjoy it how she chooses. Would you rather that she did not enjoy her life? Is the first grandchild to get to University? Maybe she will fund others if they get there.

Original poster

pumpkin12 · 16/05/2021 23:22

Yes It is the first grandchild to go to university so I can see how it could look like it's that but just so frustrating overall. She'll be run out of savings in the next while the rate it's dwindling unfortunately for her. I just know I'd never treat my children or (possible) grandchildren unequally. Good thing is my children don't know and won't find out.

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 16/05/2021 23:36

@pumpkin12

That sibling was the one who got all their help and attention because of wild ways and then later on sever mental health difficulty but has been settled on meds for around 20 years but does do a lot of things to help admin/checks in because lives local etc so for that reason absolutely the favoured one. I always kept my nose clean and got on with things.

Hmm...IME 'wild ways' are a result of poor mental health so 'keeping your nose clean' is of little relevance here.

The way I see it is that this GC has been given the money as a contribution towards their education. As Brain says, perhaps she will help other GC when/if the time comes.

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 16/05/2021 23:37

Its her money to spend how she likes. Maybe she feels this child does the most for her or this grandchild deserves it more than the others or maybe she feels they needed her help more. Your sibling may have kept money issues from you etc and it may be a private matter. Or perhaps shes just nasty. Its not your place to try to make her spend her money equally.

But it is your place to say you do not want your DC treated like that and take a step back from her. If you feel her actions are not acceptable (and I fully agree with you) then distance yourself. Let them deal with her and let them earn their uni money.

saraclara · 17/05/2021 00:07

If this is the first one to go to uni, you don't know whether she's intending helping each of them as they get to that stage of life (though having said that, she's likely to run out of money half way through)

It'd be daft to give money to all of them at the same time, just because one needs it for uni. But if she's planning on helping each of them when they start, then she needs to plan better.

stayathomer · 17/05/2021 00:14

Ah first grandchild! The first of us to get married got more than the others because as is the case of you, the parents had come into some money around that time. Nice she's enjoying the money after so much sadness but yes, probably continue to remind her to be careful with it!

eatsleepread · 17/05/2021 00:19

YABU. She gave money to the grandchild who was starting uni, and who was at a critical crossroads in their life.
Why on earth does that mean that she'd have to give money to all the grandchildren?
It's her money, which presumably will pass to you when she dies, to do with as you see fit.
Your opening post came across as jealous and grabby.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 00:24

I doubt any other grandkids will get much money as funds will dwindle.

I suspect you’re right, Op, this DGC got the money because your sibling gives day to day support to your mum. And that’s your mum’s prerogative.

You can’t change the situation, unfortunately, so you’ll just need to live with it. I sympathise though, my sibling is inheriting the valuable family home because they never moved out. They do very little for my mum, that falls on me.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/05/2021 01:00

This child is the first to go to uni among the GC and the child of someone who is giving your mum a lot of support. I would bet they probably help their mum with care a lot too. So I think you have no grounds to be upset. If you and your kids did more for her you’d probably be considered too

Floralnomad · 17/05/2021 01:20

YABU it’s her money to do as she pleases although frankly she sounds like she has very little financial sense . Also it’s very easy to say that you would treat your children / grandchildren equally but you never know what life will throw at you that may make those decisions more difficult .

SympathyFatigue · 17/05/2021 03:33

@pumpkin12

Yes It is the first grandchild to go to university so I can see how it could look like it's that but just so frustrating overall. She'll be run out of savings in the next while the rate it's dwindling unfortunately for her. I just know I'd never treat my children or (possible) grandchildren unequally. Good thing is my children don't know and won't find out.

Not the brightest idea to give away 1/8 of your savings and squander the rest. Makes no sense at all. But it's her money.

Just remember this when she needs care home. Your sibling can do that seeing as they got a nice chunk.

normalsaline · 17/05/2021 04:08

YABU. It’s her money and she can do whatever she likes with it. These sorts of threads always make me cringe because the posters seem totally ignorant of how grabby and crass they come across

Nitpickpicnic · 17/05/2021 04:09

God, I’d be sooooo tempted to say excitedly to DM something like:

‘Oh I can’t tell you what a relief it was when I heard you’d decided to sponsor the grandkids through Uni. It’ll really take the pressure off Jemima (aged 3) and our savings plans. That’s really generous, I don’t know how we can all thank you enough. Best grannie ever!’.

It will at least cause her to do some mental sums which she may not have done already, and come to some epiphanies about her savings and her ability to fund her own old age.

I wouldn’t in fact expect or even hope for anything for Jemima or the others, it’d just be my way of saying ‘Heads up, mum’. And also slightly ‘You are aware that these unfair Grand Gestures do have consequences for all of us other family members, right?’.

I’d also book her in to a financial advisor quick smart. Really.

Nitpickpicnic · 17/05/2021 04:13

By the way, this is NOT just another thread of someone whining about future inheritance and entitlement at all. It’s clearly different.

You don’t have to be a heartless gold digger to be wary of dear old mum giving away stacks of cash, creating reasonable family rifts and putting her own financial future in jeopardy. Quite the opposite.

OP has put up genuine (and caring) concerns, and deserves help with that. The accusations coming her (?) way are baseless and unhelpful.

Hothammock · 17/05/2021 04:25

I can understand why this is hurtful and can only sympathise. My children's grandparents have showered their eldest grandson with expensive toys, trips, sports events, and now a car. They have never even bought our children a toy from a shop.
It's bizarre but in my experience if they can't see how differently they treat their family members then you certainly won't change the way they feel about their family, and so there is nothing you can do about it that won't come across badly. Even if you have a word with your mum about her dwindling finances it could sound like you are motivated by jealousy.

Imo you should Just accept the facts of the situation and leave them all to it.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 05:18

She might not be aware that lots of people go to uni now so there is a strong chance the others might. Maybe she was concerned given their mental health struggles that a part time job along side studies might be too much for them.

It is her money but I can understand why it's a problem and I think someone needs to sit down and talk to her about seeing an adviser to talk about her financial future.

TwoAndAnOnion · 17/05/2021 05:26

The grandkid that has the cash doesn't need it for fees so is now using it to live off rather than getting a PT job

So they are using the GP donation rather than take a grant. Seems sensible to me.

I want to say something to my sibling

Why? It's not their money nor their decision how to spend it

The family home was sold 2 years ago by my mother for around £85,000 when my father passed and obviously no money was given to me or my siblings as it's my mums but rather than buy a new small home she decided to rent and have her savings to be her best egg - great but she's not done anything other than fritter it away, which is sad considering how hard my parents worked but again not my money.

She's allowed to spend her own money. She isn't obliged to hoard it so you inherit - which is exactly what this post sounds like

TwoAndAnOnion · 17/05/2021 05:28

@pumpkin12

That sibling was the one who got all their help and attention because of wild ways and then later on sever mental health difficulty but has been settled on meds for around 20 years but does do a lot of things to help admin/checks in because lives local etc so for that reason absolutely the favoured one. I always kept my nose clean and got on with things.

This, unfortunately, reads like you are jealous of the relationship this sibling has with the parent because he/she is local, and you've delegated all the fetching and carrying to him/her, who supports the parent daily. Perhaps if you helped out more, your relationship would be different?

Quincie · 17/05/2021 05:33

£12,000 is ALOT to give to one child when you have many DGCs.
Looks like the favouritism continues down the generations.
I wouldn't nag her about spending. Let her blow it and she can live a more restricted life when it's gone. You'll just look like the bad guy if you go on at her.