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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Only one grandchild given money

58 replies

pumpkin12 · 16/05/2021 22:48

I recently found out my mum gave 1 of her grandchildren £12,000 when they started university under a year ago. There are 8 grandchildren ages ranging from 3-22. I have 2 children and neither of mine or any other grandchildren have been given or have money put aside for them. The family home was sold 2 years ago by my mother for around £85,000 when my father passed and obviously no money was given to me or my siblings as it's my mums but rather than buy a new small home she decided to rent and have her savings to be her best egg - great but she's not done anything other than fritter it away, which is sad considering how hard my parents worked but again not my money. However I feel upset no other children are handed a penny when one has been handed so much. The grandkid that has the cash doesn't need it for fees so is now using it to live off rather than getting a PT job. I want to say something to my sibling but they feel that it's entitled as they done/do a lot to help out, or even say to my mum but again I know there's no point, I just feel as usual no one is treated fairly, my mum never treated us equally but as it's my children it's harder to swallow. Just need a moan but wonder what others would do?

OP posts:

sammylady37 · 17/05/2021 06:27

Her money, her decision.

From her point of view, she’s supporting the education of her grandchild who is the first one to go to uni and who is the child of her child who’s had severe mental health difficulties, and who gives her a lot of practical day to day support. Maybe she wanted her child to not have financial worries about educating their kid, as she might have been afraid that such pressure could cause a relapse.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 06:30

they feel that it's entitled as they done/do a lot to help out

Well is this true? Does the sibling who's child received the money do a lot to help your mother?

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 06:30

She's allowed to spend her own money. She isn't obliged to hoard it so you inherit - which is exactly what this post sounds like

That’s unfair to OP, I don’t get that impression. OP is worried how mum will pay for things once the money is all gone, as the pension seems to cover the basics only.

She will still manage to pay her rent etc once savings gone but no money for luxuries - I'm talking about cigarette

Maves · 17/05/2021 06:33

It's her money, she can do what she likes the way you talk about it dwindling etc shows you are only bothered about future inheritance

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 06:34

By the way, this is NOT just another thread of someone whining about future inheritance and entitlement at all. It’s clearly different.

You don’t have to be a heartless gold digger to be wary of dear old mum giving away stacks of cash, creating reasonable family rifts and putting her own financial future in jeopardy. Quite the opposite.

OP has put up genuine (and caring) concerns, and deserves help with that. The accusations coming her (?) way are baseless and unhelpful.

I agree. And I think most people would be hurt by this favouritism, especially of it’s part of a pattern.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 06:37

@Nitpickpicnic

By the way, this is NOT just another thread of someone whining about future inheritance and entitlement at all. It’s clearly different.

OP has put up genuine (and caring) concerns, and deserves help with that. The accusations coming her (?) way are baseless and unhelpful.

Yes this is true, but only after the initial post in which the main point was clearly the fact only one child had been given money.

Geamhradh · 17/05/2021 06:40

Dp's parents have 6 (grown up) kids, and help out financially the ones who need it most.
So far they've helped bail out the brother who was out of work for 6 months, and the grandson who went to university. A sister who was widowed is also helped out.
We've had nothing because we don't actually need anything. Dp will get his share of his parents' money when the time comes.

Do you need money OP? Does your mother know?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/05/2021 07:22

I’m all for equal treatment and she really should have used the money for her future it sounds.

However if only one of her children is providing the support she needs, then perhaps she sees it as payment for that help as she does need to buy it in.

I’d be far more worried about her financial future for her but it sounds like it’s about inheritance as another poster says.

whiteroseredrose · 17/05/2021 07:43

Fair doesn't always mean equal.

The first DGC to go to uni is uncharted waters. If they can focus on studying rather than having a PT job that must be good. Your other sibling is part of day to day life for your DM and helps her. They have also overcome some difficulties so your DM wants to help. All good.

Neither of my DGMs did an equal split. One gave everything to my uncle because he looked after her for her final years and answered her 2am calls. My other DGM left a quarter of her estate to me (she has 6 DGC) as I also helped to look after her and we were very close. The others rarely saw her. Their choice.

Summersnake · 17/05/2021 08:20

So if she needs a rest home in the next 7 years ,anyone she has given money to ,could in theory be asked for it back ,a lot of people do what your mum is doing to get free care home place

saraclara · 17/05/2021 08:43

@Summersnake

So if she needs a rest home in the next 7 years ,anyone she has given money to ,could in theory be asked for it back ,a lot of people do what your mum is doing to get free care home place

That's not the case. You are confusing inheritance tax with deprivation of funds. There is no seven year rule for the latter, and it only applies when it's clear that the person is showing signs of needing care in the near future and then deliberately gives away their capital.

Cocomarine · 17/05/2021 08:50

Could be simple favouritism.

But I think it’s notable that it’s the first grandchild to go to university.

With her bonkers decision to rent, her chronic overspending on rent, and her love of a scratch card, I think it’s also possible that she’s a (financial) optimist.

She might fully plan to help every grandchild, and expect to have the money to do so. Many chronic over spenders truly believe that each month is the month they won’t go into their savings. They’re always wrong. But they really think it, every single month.

drpet49 · 17/05/2021 08:58

* The grandkid that has the cash doesn't need it for fees so is now using it to live off rather than getting a PT job.*

^What a pointless waste of £12,000

GenderApostate19 · 17/05/2021 09:09

Does she not realise she we be absolutely fucked when her savings run out?
She won’t get help with rent as she will be seen to have spent her savings ‘frivolously’.

My Sister had £40k from her divorce, She owed thousands in debt and had to furnish a little council flat too but they decided it was a deliberate deprivation of assets so treated her like she still had the money for 3 years. She only avoided eviction and bailiffs because I was able to pay her rent.

They ( Benefits people) are brutal, she was asked why she’d spent £100 on curtains when a blanket at the window would suffice 🙄
They even tried to say that the pension settlement she got counted as cash, even though it had gone straight into an annuity.

mdh2020 · 17/05/2021 09:09

After my MiL died we discovered that she never gave presents equally to her 7 grandchildren and our 2 had always off best. This included giving our DD her rings even though she herself had a DD who had two girls. She preferred our two because ‘they had brown eyes’ and were more intelligent than their cousins.

denverRegina · 17/05/2021 09:18

"she's not done anything other than fritter it away, which is sad considering how hard my parents worked but again not my money."

She worked hard so that she could spend it now, you don't need to be "sad" about that.

The care and help your sister gives will be worth much more than 12k and you don't help with that. Leave it be, nobody is entitled to anything.

KaleSlayer · 17/05/2021 09:25

She can absolutely do what she wants with her money. But she must also accept the consequences of being so unfair.

I have a MIL/FIL that favoured 2 of their grandchildren in every way possible. Now they are older and expect as much from us as the favoured ones, I feel no obligation to help out and we have very little to do with them. Of course she feels sorry for herself and tries to make us feel guilty but you reap what you sow and all that.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 17/05/2021 09:33

Guessing since this is the first grandchild to go to uni, she just feels immensely proud and wanted to do something to help them. I don’t think she means any harm ultimately but I’d be concerned about her financial instability as a whole.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/05/2021 12:32

It’s her money she can do what she wants with it.

KizzyMoo · 17/05/2021 13:25

YABU she can do as she likes with her money.

The3rdMrsdeWinter · 17/05/2021 13:43

I'd put money on all the holier-than-thou posters saying "its her money" throwing a hissy fit if it was their DC who missed out.

They'll deny it but ...

stayathomer · 17/05/2021 13:51

I one hundred percent can hand on heart say it'd be fine with me. People have different money at different times in their life and generally if possible it'll be made up for a different times in grand children's lives. Nobody owes anyone anything

Tlollj · 17/05/2021 14:03

Well it’s her money of course but it does seem unfair. She’ll be sorry when it’s all gone. DWP may even class it as deprivation of assets then she’ll be doubly sorry.

moresugarpls · 17/05/2021 14:38

@denverRegina

"she's not done anything other than fritter it away, which is sad considering how hard my parents worked but again not my money."

She worked hard so that she could spend it now, you don't need to be "sad" about that.

The care and help your sister gives will be worth much more than 12k and you don't help with that. Leave it be, nobody is entitled to anything.

This. My mum has given my sister a significant sum of money before and regularly treats her kids to things. 1000% percent that’s fine with me as my sister helps my mum ALOT. I live abroad so I can’t do much. And you know what- I’m grateful that I don’t have to do it.

Comparing your sisters previous mental health issues to your ‘good behaviour’ is honestly mean and petty. Your sister is not to blame here

HelloOldSport · 17/05/2021 14:48

@Maves

It's her money, she can do what she likes the way you talk about it dwindling etc shows you are only bothered about future inheritance

Yep. Gross attitude.

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