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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL bit rude to nursery staff...

77 replies

CassandrasCastle · 12/05/2021 10:57

I really like my DP's mother, we get on and have good chats about books. However, she is pretty anxious and tends to over dramatise sometimes.

She is looking after nearly 13 month old DD 1 morning a week, then taking her to nursery for the afternoon session. (I realise it's a lot, and MIL is always tired afterwards :/ but she does want to do it!) Anyway, yesterday the nursery kept her waiting outside for 20 minutes before taking DD from her - she was apparently in pain from standing and 'spoke sharply' to DD's key worker when she appeared. I think it was a super busy time for drop offs, and obviously due to covid regulations we've all got to wait, though it's obviously far from ideal...
I felt bad for both her and (lovely) key worker! and I do just think that it would be easier to do a full day of nursery. However, it would be a stretch to afford it and I don't think MIL would be happy...

WIBU to carry on as is? People pleaser Confused

OP posts:
peboh · 12/05/2021 11:01

I think if I'd been kept waiting outside 20 or so minutes I also wouldn't be in the most pleasant mood. If it's too much for your mil, and you clearly think it is then of course you need to look into other childcare options.

AppleKatie · 12/05/2021 11:03

If she wants to continue doing it I would start by asking nursery to provide seating outside. They may need you to wait but 20 mins is unacceptable and without a chair potentially disability discrimination.

DancesWithTortoises · 12/05/2021 11:05

She was right to complain.

Catmuffin · 12/05/2021 11:06

I think if she was in pain from standing it's understandable she snapped. If a grandparent had normal health and wasn't very elderly, one morning isn't excessive, but are their health issues if she was in pain?
I did stop inviting my parents to primary school events as my mum would be rude to both other parents and staff but she has quite poor social skills, not sure if it was just a result of being in pain with your mil?
All you can do is offer to put your dc in full time nursery if ever she feels she can't cope. You aren't doing anything wrong and your mil sounds OK too

Shoxfordian · 12/05/2021 11:06

I wouldn’t be happy about waiting for 20 minutes either

PegPeople · 12/05/2021 11:07

I think she was absolutely justified in complaining. Everything else aside waiting 20 minutes is quite a large portion of time when your child is only there for the afternoon.

Stressedtoddlermum · 12/05/2021 11:09

Did she turn up early?

I don’t think I’d want to be kept waiting for 20 minutes. I would be late for work or have things to do and would want them to take DD from the time she’s booked in.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2021 11:09

Yes I agree with others. I don’t think she should have been kept standing for 20 mins.

I’m not elderly, and I struggle to stand in one place for long periods of time (I can walk as far as you like, but standing still is a problem) due to bad back.

I’d speak to the nursery in the first place and then let MIL know what you’ve done.

Ilovedthe70s · 12/05/2021 11:25

Depends why she was waiting so long, if she is like me I get everywhere early so waiting 20 minutes is not unusual for me and therefore it’s my problem and I have no excuse to be short with anyone.
If she was waiting 20 minutes past your child’s drop off time then it’s understandable.
I do understand the discomfort of having to stand for a significant amount of time as I am awaiting replacement hips, knee and ankle and also have chronic sciatica, sometimes pain makes us crotchety.
I’m sure if it was a one off the nursery won’t take too much notice.

Eviethyme · 12/05/2021 11:29

Sorry but I do think it's ridiculous of nursery's. What takes so long? Standing outside for ages with a baby or a toddler (especially a moody walking toddler) is really hard. I'm disabled and I had to stand for 30 mins with my crazy 2 year old and I was ready to bash through the door.

FrozenCucumberPresse · 12/05/2021 11:31

If MIL having DD is otherwise going okay then I wouldn't let this be the thing that stops you from asking her to take care of her.

It was wrong of MIL to be sharp with nursery staff as it likely wasn't their fault, they'll have been going as quickly as they can. But if they're going to be so late collecting kids then as a PP mentioned they need to be providing seating outside as not everyone can physical stand while holding or keeping track of a toddler for that long.

I would ring the nursery and explain that your MIL will struggle when dropping DD off if she has to wait for longer than five minutes or so and ask if they can put a few chairs outside on busy days. Alternatively MIL could go ring the buzzer, let them know she's there and then go and wait in the car until they're ready for DD. Let nursery know the car reg and where she's parked so they can pop out to say they're ready.

redheadwitch · 12/05/2021 11:32

Another one who thinks you need to back up your MIL with this one - 20 minutes is in inappropriately long amount of time to be stood waiting. Regardless of whether she arrived early or not, if there is any regular waiting involved for drop-off they should have seating provided for people who must make use of it, not everyone is capable of standing still in one position for 2 minutes let alone 20.

If I were you, I would call the nursery and let them know the situation is an ongoing problem and ask them to rectify it. I would let your MIL know that you have done so and ask her if there is anything you can do to assist her further i.e. is she sure she can manage with things as they are?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/05/2021 11:33

20 mins is a ridiculous delay especially with a young baby who probably wants picked up. I think I'd have had sharp words.id expect 5 min max and if that doesnt work then they need a staggered system to something

Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 12/05/2021 11:35

We've given her a little camping stool to take along in case it happens again; I agree it was a long wait, although DP thinks she may be exaggerating (she is prone to this) and she was a bit early. I don't want to deny her experience though, and even if it was 10 mins that's still quite a while - she's not very old, but has had leg pain, which is partly why I'm concerned about her coping as DD starts walking.

OP posts:
Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 12/05/2021 11:41

MIL doesn't feel it's too much generally - although I think she'd appreciate a check in on how she feels she's coping. So maybe the next time she says she's tired I can use that to have a chat with her?

I think I'm probably unfairly biased, as she tends to complain in restaurants, supermarkets etc.; it's pretty frequent

OP posts:
Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 12/05/2021 11:43

The week before, she and baby had a sleep together, and she ended up getting her there for 2.45 - so a pretty short nursery session that day! On the plus side, DD was happier than usual, as she has rubbish sleep at nursery!

OP posts:
Brokenpencilsarepointless · 12/05/2021 11:45

Was she early? Or was she kept waiting past the time you started paying for?

All the nursery had to do was open the door and let the kid in. What if your mum had to get to work?

I hope you told the nursery that it was unacceptable to keep them waiting like that and that they need to be opening the door and letting your child in for the full time you have paid.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/05/2021 11:47

It’s normal to weight 20 or even 30 minutes at my son’s nursery. Their queuing processes are designed around drivers so people who walk in or take public transport do suffer a bit. If she has leg pain then make it known to them, and they might be able to get her a chair. They should be making adjustments for grandparents - she probably isn’t the only one doing pick ups and drop offs.

user1471457751 · 12/05/2021 11:49

So she's prone to exaggeration and arrived a bit early. So she could have just been waiting 5 minutes beyond drop off time and was snappy with the staff member

Maxiedog123 · 12/05/2021 11:51

It does sound like she will struggle to keep up with your toddler once they get more mobile.

FeelinHappy · 12/05/2021 11:52

I don't blame her for being cross, and I'm sure I'd feel ignored/dismissed as well as in pain, but this may be one of those problems that just goes away if she doesn't arrive early. It's much easier for staff to respond to the doorbell when they can let a child in right away, rather than respond that it's too early and remember to go back to the door a few mins later.

I think you should just sympathise, let her cool off, and tell her to avoid being early in future.

DinoHat · 12/05/2021 11:53

We have to wait 15-20 minutes at my nursery because of Covid and I can’t believe they haven’t refined this process now. Your MIL is not BU.

VimFuego101 · 12/05/2021 11:54

If she struggled to stand/ wait for 20 mins then chasing after a toddler sounds like it's too much for her. Would she be able to run after DD if she dashed towards a road or headed towards something dangerous?

SarahAndQuack · 12/05/2021 12:02

TBH I wouldn't be pleased to be kept waiting 5 minutes, let alone 10 or 20. By 10 I'd be wondering what on earth was going on!

Can she arrange to sit in the car until they're ready? Ours used to encourage you to ring them when you arrived, so you could sit in the car until they were ready to come out and get your child. I'd look at accommodations that might make it easier for her, before rethinking that one morning, as one morning really isn't much.

SarahAndQuack · 12/05/2021 12:03

@VimFuego101

If she struggled to stand/ wait for 20 mins then chasing after a toddler sounds like it's too much for her. Would she be able to run after DD if she dashed towards a road or headed towards something dangerous?
That's a bit ablist isn't it? My mum couldn't run after us when we were children; she's had mobility issues since before we were born. I've got a friend in my antenatal group who's been in a wheelchair since her DD was tiny. It's not impossible to look after a child in those situations.
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