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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL bit rude to nursery staff...

77 replies

CassandrasCastle · 12/05/2021 10:57

I really like my DP's mother, we get on and have good chats about books. However, she is pretty anxious and tends to over dramatise sometimes.

She is looking after nearly 13 month old DD 1 morning a week, then taking her to nursery for the afternoon session. (I realise it's a lot, and MIL is always tired afterwards :/ but she does want to do it!) Anyway, yesterday the nursery kept her waiting outside for 20 minutes before taking DD from her - she was apparently in pain from standing and 'spoke sharply' to DD's key worker when she appeared. I think it was a super busy time for drop offs, and obviously due to covid regulations we've all got to wait, though it's obviously far from ideal...
I felt bad for both her and (lovely) key worker! and I do just think that it would be easier to do a full day of nursery. However, it would be a stretch to afford it and I don't think MIL would be happy...

WIBU to carry on as is? People pleaser Confused

OP posts:
Notnownotneverever · 12/05/2021 13:13

After a 20min wait I would be questioning the nursery procedures tbh. Could you talk to the nursery and explain she can’t stand for that long? Could you arrange for the drop off to be 20 mins later so she doesn’t have to stand?

Triffid1 · 12/05/2021 13:14

Are you thinking of cancelling it because she snapped at the key worker or because she had to wait for 20 minutes? If it's the former, just let it go - of course she was irritable and in pain having been waiting. Plus, if she's a bit snappy, that's not something you have to take on. You can make it clear to the key worker that you don't agree with her snapping but you're not responsible for her.

If it's the latter, that's a different conversation but I'd agree that 20 minutes waiting isn't great. But if it is what it is during covid, then it is. She must either decide if she's happy with that or not and act accordingly.

florafoxtrot · 12/05/2021 13:15

Did they nursery staff perhaps not see her waiting outside? Drop off and pick ups are challenging at the moment with Covid and if we don't know exactly what happened then it seems unfair to say that the nursery or your MIL were BU.

Waterfallgirl · 12/05/2021 13:16

Some good advice here OP. Especially re afternoon sessions. My dad has form for being early and then moaning when people are not ready for him, so I also think it would depend on how early she was if at all. For example he arrived on hour ahead of my cousin’s wedding and was calling me asking where I was !
A bench outside might be a good suggestion to them.

Allwokedup · 12/05/2021 13:30

Non issue, get over it. Maybe say oh sorry if MIL was rude on x day. They have probably already forgotten about it.

mabelandivy · 12/05/2021 13:31

20 minutes is unacceptable. She had the right to complain. YABU.

me4real · 12/05/2021 13:44

YABU to be annoyed as people often get tetchy when in pain.

I'm sure MiL doesn't mind looking after the baby for one morning a week and taking them there, shhe just didn't like what happened with the standing etc on that one day. Unless that length of time spent standing is a regular thing there?

Lipz · 12/05/2021 13:44

I think you need to have a chat with your mil, ask her to be honest with you about how she feels and if it's too much.

Travelling to the nursery after having your dd for the morning might be too much, maybe she'd rather have your dd for the day? They can nap and Potter about in her home.

She could be totally fine with the whole arrangement but you need to ask her to be honest and tell her you won't be offended.

When my parents were alive they wanted to do child care, couldn't wait to be grandparents and they were so active but it's tiring and the few hours they did wore them out. They were surprised at themselves getting tired so easily.

Maybe sit down yourself first and write up some solutions that you could come up with before approaching her, things like can you afford to put your dd in nursery the times your mil has her and just have mil babysit one evening where you and your dh go out. Or see if mil having dd for the day rather than bringing her to nursery etc

Notaroadrunner · 12/05/2021 13:45

Have you spoken to the nursery staff to get their side of the story? That would be my first step. If they admit that they didn't take dc in in time then ask them to try to make sure it doesn't happen again. However, if mil was early then that's on her. They have to be strict on drop off/pick up times with covid so if she was early she needs to take responsibility.

Brazilianut · 12/05/2021 13:47

It sounds as though the 20 minute time was a one-off. There must be a good reason, unexpected things/issues happen with children that can cause delays and safety is first.

It is a very long time to wait but unlikely to be the key workers fault.

Brazilianut · 12/05/2021 13:49

Personally I would organise an hour or two at a time once or twice a week (weekends?) with Grandma and do the full day at nursery as it sounds like it’s too much for her.

zigaziga · 12/05/2021 13:54

God, I can’t imagine either of my DC waiting for 20 mins in a nursery queue very well at 13 months. That is a long wait for a baby.

sillysmiles · 12/05/2021 13:59

So your MIL was rude to nursey staff after being left waiting for 20mins.

Has she asked you to do anything to change the situation?

She's happy to look after your DD. She is happy to take her to nursery. The nursery left her waiting and she voiced her complaint.
Honestly I don't see why you need to do anything.

yoyo1234 · 12/05/2021 14:00

When my youngest starts at nursery (soonish) if they are 20 mins late accepting my child (from when they are meant to) it may be difficult for me to get to work etc in time.
A bench etc outside may be suitable. If MIL is rude I do not think that is always (ever?) acceptable. You can complain without being rude.

sillysmiles · 12/05/2021 14:04

@CassandrasCastle your MIL says she spoke sharply. Is rude your interpretation? Because sharp and rude and different things. You say you are a people pleaser. Is she just more assertive and you read that as rude?

ZombeaArthur · 12/05/2021 14:07

A 20 minute delay dropping off at my DD’s nursery would be a major issue for many parents, who are rushing straight off to work. Additionally, less than 15 minutes after I drop my youngest off at nursery I have to drop my oldest off at school, so I couldn’t have waited (I’m aware that wasn’t the situation in your case however). Obviously I have no idea what happened at you child’s nursery or what the repercussions were for anyone else at drop off, but regular delays would mean that we would have to find a different nursery for our youngest.

LaBellina · 12/05/2021 14:13

She’s an elderly women and 20 minutes is pretty long, I wouldn’t have been too happy either. Cut your MIL some slack.

Carouselfish · 12/05/2021 14:15

Curious why you say one morning a week is a lot?

jollyho · 12/05/2021 14:33

I work at a nursery, not in the U.K. but we have more kids than the U.K. nursery my son was at.
We get the kids in within 2 mins of parents ringing the doorbell. At my sons nursery, it’s the same. It takes slightly longer to get them ready to go home, but we tend to get them ready and go outside to play.

jollyho · 12/05/2021 14:35

I work at a nursery, not in the U.K. but we have more kids than the U.K. nursery my son was at.
We get the kids in within 2 mins of parents ringing the doorbell. At my sons nursery, it’s the same. It takes slightly longer to get them ready to go home, but we tend to get them ready and go outside to play.

Tubs11 · 12/05/2021 14:46

why was she waiting 20 mins? This is unacceptable especially when you are paying for it. Your MIL was right to complain. Our child attends a very busy nursery and the most we've ever had to wait was 5 mins, even in the height of restrictions.

namechangingforthis19586 · 12/05/2021 15:08

This is a storm in a teacup. Smooth things over and forget it

Tubs11 · 12/05/2021 15:09

why was she waiting 20 mins? This is unacceptable especially when you are paying for it. Your MIL was right to complain. Our child attends a very busy nursery and the most we've ever had to wait was 5 mins, even in the height of restrictions.

Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 12/05/2021 15:51

I think she was probably quite rude tbh. Good suggestion definitely about switching to morning sessions and then planning for DD to have a nap with MIL. The early morning collection from us then the feeling that she has to get DD to nursery by a specific time is harder for her I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 12/05/2021 15:57

I think she was probably quite rude tbh. Good suggestion definitely about switching to morning sessions and then planning for DD to have a nap with MIL. The early morning collection from us then the feeling that she has to get DD to nursery by a specific time is harder for her I think.

OP posts:
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