MIL bit rude to nursery staff...

[CassandrasCastle]

I really like my DP's mother, we get on and have good chats about books. However, she is pretty anxious and tends to over dramatise sometimes.

She is looking after nearly 13 month old DD 1 morning a week, then taking her to nursery for the afternoon session. (I realise it's a lot, and MIL is always tired afterwards :/ but she does want to do it!) Anyway, yesterday the nursery kept her waiting outside for 20 minutes before taking DD from her - she was apparently in pain from standing and 'spoke sharply' to DD's key worker when she appeared. I think it was a super busy time for drop offs, and obviously due to covid regulations we've all got to wait, though it's obviously far from ideal...
I felt bad for both her and (lovely) key worker! and I do just think that it would be easier to do a full day of nursery. However, it would be a stretch to afford it and I don't think MIL would be happy...

WIBU to carry on as is? People pleaser

Could you flip the sessions so you drop off DD at Nursery and MIL picks her up and has her for the afternoon?

Agree with everyone else that she was entitled to complain, I would have. I'm much less of a people pleaser though now that I am approaching 50. If your nursery have expect people with little ones to wait any more than 5 / 10 minutes (in the cold and rain?) They need to stagger their arrival times better, and / or at least provide a bench outside.

Taking a toddler to nursery for only the afternoon is a pain in the arse in my opinion. I would either ask for a full day at nursery or a full day with your MIL. If DD is going to nap in the afternoon anyway it might be easier for your MIL to have DD at home for the whole day rather than cart her off to nursery in the middle of the day when she’s restless and tired and needs a nap. It’s really difficult to time an arrival with a toddler for an afternoon slot at a specific time after lunch so with the best will in the world, this situation will happen again.

I'd be furious at being kept waiting 20 minutes unless I was 20 minutes early. The nursery is absolutely out of order 100% if she came at the right time. They're the ones you need to tackle.

I'm not good at standing still for long periods because I get dizzy. I am still perfectly able to look after small children.

I would be concerned that leaving adults outside has become a habit.

I was waiting about 10 minutes last night in the pouring rain to collect my child from nursery- it was peak pick up time and the staff there were trying to get a group of three year olds from the outside garden back inside which includes going past the car park (the heavens had just opened) It was a longer wait than usual but if a load of parents turn up at the same time what can be done? I’d rather more staff were looking after the children moving past the car park and keeping them safe than allocate more staff to bringing children out to their parents.

If it was a one off just let it go but maybe speak to MIL about what solution she would like to see. This could happen again in the future, what plans would she like to see in place to avoid a 20 minute wait? Often when you put the problem back to the complainer they’ll either come up with a workable solution or just accept that it is something that can’t be helped.

If DD doesnt sleep well at nursery, why doesnt MIL pick her up after lunch ajd take her home for a nap and the afternoon. Then MIL still gets the time but less of it is active iyswim

MIL is not unreasonable to be annoyed at standing outside. Aside from this being physically difficult for some people, others cannot afford to waste 20 minutes like that - nursery is looking after kids so you can use your time for work or whatever you have to do.

I am not sure about speaking sharply to the key worker. I wonder what the keyworker could have done about this situation/why it occurred. It’s not generally a great idea to speak to people sharply, but as you get older, you’ll become less of a people pleaser. I used to be one but now I’ve been fucked over and taken advantage of enough times, become old and cynical and I am not inclined to please people anymore. Perhaps your MIL is like this. I wouldn’t hold this against your MIL.

Why was anyone wanting for twenty minutes? Wrangling toddlers for twenty minutes is no one's idea of fun.

Agree with everyone else that nursery in the morning and grandparents in the afternoon is generally better

I think people who are saying how appalling waiting that long is maybe haven't dropped kids off at nursery during covid?

At our nursery you have to get there and queue to be let in, then a staff member from the room comes out to collect the baby, take their temp at the door, take them through to their room, take their coat off and hang it up, then sit them down. Then they return for the next one.

Sometimes on a busy day if there's just one staff member who can do it you can be stood for ten minutes. It's an absolute faff but not sure what else they can realistically do. We've only ever used nursery since the pandemic so no idea what it was like beforehand.

Having said that I get that we're a year deep into it, they really should have sorted out their processes now!

I'm with your MIL here, but SeaToSki suggestion might work?

I had to wait on dd leaving nursery yesterday as another parent was standing at the door talking to one of the key workers. Usually not a problem but I am 40+1 weeks pregnant and standing is very uncomfortable. I dunno why they couldn't have just moved to the side to let the children out.

I sympathise with your MIL

@Summerfun54321

Taking a toddler to nursery for only the afternoon is a pain in the arse in my opinion. I would either ask for a full day at nursery or a full day with your MIL. If DD is going to nap in the afternoon anyway it might be easier for your MIL to have DD at home for the whole day rather than cart her off to nursery in the middle of the day when she’s restless and tired and needs a nap. It’s really difficult to time an arrival with a toddler for an afternoon slot at a specific time after lunch so with the best will in the world, this situation will happen again.

Yes, I agree. I only did afternoon sessions when my DC was no longer napping, but even that was a pain.

Could your mil have her on a day you can take DD in the afternoon maybe?

Whilst it’s not an excuse to be rude, a 20 min wait is far from ideal. I suspect it’s a busy time with lunch breaks/naps/kids coming and going. But what if it’s raining or howling a gale? Are families really expected to wait 20 mins outside?

On the other hand, keep an ear out for any other complaints/whinges, justified or not, as it could be her way of indirectly letting you know she is struggling.

@VimFuego101

If she struggled to stand/ wait for 20 mins then chasing after a toddler sounds like it's too much for her. Would she be able to run after DD if she dashed towards a road or headed towards something dangerous?

wow? really... i'm disabled and would struggle standing still in one spot for 20 minutes without being in a lot of pain.. but i've managed to raise 2 kids, one who is autistic and bolts, quite adequately thanks.

The weather isn't nice here right now 20 mins outside would annoy me. But I'd try not to be snappy they're presumably doing it to try to maintain distancing? I also think if she's in pain from standing for 20 mins she perhaps isn't cut out for a morning with a baby?

I appreciate some parents might experience this due to disability or illness. But as a parent you make do and sort of have to. But as a grandparent it is poss a sign it's too much?

As a previous poster suggested, can you swap the sessions and have her in in the morning and with MIL in the afternoon? Sounds like she’d sleep for some of the time so probably less hard work for MIL and won’t cost you any more?

I would also have complained and it probably would have come across as sharp. I can happily walk for 15km but if I have to stand stationary for more than 3 mins I get terrible back ache. And I'm 44. Add waiting with a small child to the mix and that's just not on. Time forming a secure bond with MIL will be much more valuable to your DC than extra nursery time at this young age.

I think this is a tiny issue compared to what could be going on behind the scenes or not with the nursery.

• Do they have a tendency to run late/ be disorganised, are they consistently understaffed? Red flag. If it's a one off and they are generally very good at time keeping then it's fine.
• Are they a nursery who take care of the children well, where the staff are happy and staff turnover is a minumum? Stay!!!

I've worked in a couple of places, chalk and cheese. There must be other things you are happy/ unhappy with before you would move your child or add on extra time to them being there. This is really a non issue unless it is revealing of other things.

I agree with most on here, a 20 minutes standing wait with a toddler is not ideal and could feel a bit gruelling to many, let alone the elderly. My mum and MIL both had whole days looking after DD when she was a baby and both might have struggled with this, but were perfectly capable of caring for her and doing lovely things, days out, parks, garden centres, etc. With plenty of rests and breaks (and drinks and cakes!). It would seem unkind to a loving grandparent who was keen to spend time with a grandchild, to stop their care because of this. MIL particularly would have been completely devastated if we'd done this.

Nursery should provide seating or other accommodation for people of any age who struggle to stand for that long, it's a bit thoughtless of them not to.

I couldn’t stand for 20 mins, so I would have been cross too, even 10 mins I would struggle. Poor show of the nursery to leave them standing outside for that length of time.

If your dd has a nap in the afternoon and not the morning, maybe it would be better for your MIL to look after her in the afternoons? DD May nap better and MIL gets a rest.

I mean afternoons instead of mornings, not both!

If it was actually 20 minutes into the session then I would agree with your MIL.
If she's prone to exaggerating and arrives early then I would take what she's said with a pinch of salt.

It’s not brilliant. If she turned up when she was supposed to then 20 minutes is excessive. Presumably the average nursery parent demographic also includes a pregnant mum or two who can’t stand too long. And 20 minutes out of a 3/3.5 hour session (?) is a lot if it happens repeatedly.