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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is 12 years a big age gap for a relationship?

73 replies

Slytherin · 08/08/2020 13:10

I’ve met someone who I’m interested in and who is interested in me...
Hes 43 and I’m 31.

I’m worried this is too big an age gap, if things do work out long term?

OP posts:

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 08/08/2020 13:18

It’s case by case basis. Do you love him? I don’t think it’s a horrendous age gap in terms of caring for someone when they are old and frail, but you never know.

BillieEilish · 08/08/2020 13:20

No, I don't think so. Not at your ages.

Rewis · 08/08/2020 13:21

At that age it depends on the person and situation in life. And any issues might be personality related and not directly age related. As a number it is not too much.

bedjolly · 08/08/2020 13:24

It just depends what you both want from life. He might want to get married sooner than you would for example. My aunty was in her 20's and her DP was in his 30's and he said he wanted to get married but she said she wasn't ready for it. If you know you're ready to settle down then why not? Hope all goes well for you OP.

BiBabbles · 08/08/2020 13:24

At those ages, no, it's quite possible to be in a similar life stage and stability which I think can be an issue with adult age-gaps.

roundandroundabout · 08/08/2020 13:24

For me - yes. I really enjoy having shared life stages with my DH and have seen friends in similar age gaps to yours struggle as they've got older.

Dollywilde · 08/08/2020 13:26

Not at that age, if you want the same things, but that’s not a guarantee.

I had a 12 year gap when I was 21 and dated a 33 year old which I think was too big, but the older you get the less of an issue it is - if you’re agreed on what you want from life.

funnyonion1 · 08/08/2020 13:27

15.5yrs between DH and I. Met when I was 25, he was 41.

2 DC and 6yrs together (3yrs married). Never been an issue unless we joke about cultural references/movies.

Peckhampalace · 08/08/2020 13:27

13 year difference here, together 30 years, different life stages need give and take (he is about to retire, I am not). Similar outlook on the important things more important than age in my opinion.

ClementineWoolysocks · 08/08/2020 13:28

I'm 51 and my other half is 36, we're extremely happy, the age difference is meaningless at this point in our relationship. Being the same age as someone has little bearing on happiness or longevity in a relationship as long as you both want the same things in life.

vincettenoir · 08/08/2020 13:30

I don’t think so.

WanderingMilly · 08/08/2020 13:30

No, at your ages that age gap is fine, assuming the relationship is a good one. My parents had such an age gap and they were happily married all the years of their lives.

Not like my ex who has picked up a young thing 30 years his junior and who too young and inexperienced to know what she is letting herself in for. Now that I really don't think is healthy......

Iamclearlyamug · 08/08/2020 13:33

Nah it’s fine, I’m 31 and my fiancé 42

Calic0 · 08/08/2020 13:35

My DH and I have been together 16 years. He is currently 50 and I am 38.

It works for us and I love him but, I must admit, I feel the difference now more than I did at the outset - he is beginning to talk about retirement and there could potentially be a long period of time where he is retired and I am working which is going to need careful navigation.

Ultimately, it can work though if you want it to.

queenofknives · 08/08/2020 13:36

My rule for age gaps is to calculate half your age plus ten and date no younger than that. So a fifty year old can date a 35 year old but no younger. At 43, the youngest appropriate partner would be 31.5.

It's a bit random and once you are both adults, a year or two either way is no big deal, but I feel like it's a good rule of thumb!

purpleleotard · 08/08/2020 13:37

too much of an age gap
When you are 60 and still have 6 years of work ahead of you before pensionable age, he will be 72 and getting on for Old.
Do you want a retirement or to move on to another career of carer?

SwedishEdith · 08/08/2020 13:41

Big age gaps are fine while both are between mid-20s to 60 (?), probably. But, when one retires and the other has to work for another 10/15 years, means it's more difficult to make longer-term plans. By the time the younger one retires, the older one may start to have health issues. No guarantees about anything, of course. I've got a 7 year age gap myself and, if I'm honest, I'd prefer a smaller gap.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 08/08/2020 13:42

dp is 52 at the end of the year, i have just turned 40. We work exceptionally well together most of the time. Marriage etc is in the forecast.

Exh was 23 years older than me. Age was never the issue in our relationship breakdown. His paranoia that I was sleeping around because his previous wife had done so eventually killed our marriage.

If you laugh and love together, can have a conversation and similar interests then it can work regardless of age.

Good luck @Slytherin

Walkingthedog46 · 08/08/2020 13:43

When you are young, the age difference doesn’t seem to matter. The older you get, the gap seems to widen and by old age it is significant. He will be a pensioner 12 years before you are and maybe less interested/unable to do things that you want to do.

Oysterbabe · 08/08/2020 13:43

As long as you are on the same page re what you want in the future then it's OK.

MatildaTheCat · 08/08/2020 13:44

My friend is 55 and her DH now 69. She is really noticing the age gap now and not in a good way.

BertiesLanding · 08/08/2020 13:50

@Oysterbabe

As long as you are on the same page re what you want in the future then it's OK.

I think that's a well-meaning promise we make to ourselves and each other when we are younger and when the age gap isn't obvious. It's based on the premise that we won't change, when we do.

I really do believe that an age gap will become a problem for most couples as time passes. The question is whether that couple is prepared to face that problem head-on, to accommodate it.

StoneColdBitch · 08/08/2020 13:50

I have a 12 year gap and we were similar ages when we met. It has only been relevant in the sense that we moved in together fairly quickly, married as soon as logistics permitted, and started TTC as soon as we married. DH did lots of travelling in his late 20s/early 30s, before we met, and I do feel I missed out on the equivalent life stage. But I plan to retire when he does (he'll be mid-60s, I'll be mid-50s) and we are going to travel then, as our kids should have left home by then.

The shared cultural references aren't an issue here. DH was born mid-70s, I was born mid-80s, and the only major difference we've identified so far is that he remembers the Cold War and Thatcherism and I don't because I was preschool-aged at the time.

Totickleamockingbird · 08/08/2020 13:55

Too big.

Totickleamockingbird · 08/08/2020 13:57

Sorry to derail the thread but posts like these are nearly always about an older man with a younger woman, reflecting what I see in our society too.

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