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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is 12 years a big age gap for a relationship?

73 replies

Slytherin · 08/08/2020 13:10

I’ve met someone who I’m interested in and who is interested in me...
Hes 43 and I’m 31.

I’m worried this is too big an age gap, if things do work out long term?

OP posts:

Misskittyfantastico85 · 08/08/2020 15:33

There is 12 years between me and DH, we met when I was 20 and he was 32, and for us it was absolutely perfect. We had a lot of negativity around our age gap in the beginning, but I absolutely wouldn't have it any other way.

StoneColdBitch · 08/08/2020 15:34

It's very situation-specific, though. In my case, with a 12-year gap, we are likely to be able to retire at a similar age with careful financial planning - and we both work in a field where "retired" people often do bits of freelance work here and there to keep their skills up, so for us retiring might initially mean both working 1 or 2 days a week on a self-employed basis. I can see how it would be very difficult if a husband retired completely and the wife was still working 5 days a week, for 12 years.

Ughmaybenot · 08/08/2020 15:38

At that age, I don’t think it’s an issue. It’s probably the max gap I’d do tho.
I went with a man 14 years older than me before, and while we had a lot of fun at the time, it started when I was only 20, and he was 34. It was way too much of a gap, while I was far too young, for any future to have really existed.

julybaby32 · 08/08/2020 15:57

Are you going to get to 40 yourself and decide that it makes you feel old to be married to a 50 something year old? (insert "big birthday here as appropriate). Don't answer the question here, obviously, because the public answer is going to be "of course not"
Will you mind if his hair goes grey? Will you mind if he goes bald? Will you mind if he gets fatter? Thinner? less muscular? What about reading glasses? arthritic knee in 10/ 20 years time? (especially with having played a lot of some sports - football. cricket and netball I know can be more problematic.
And it works the other way, too. Is he going on about how he loves that your body is younger that those of his contemporaries?

If all that is OK, then carry on and see what develops. Mr Baby and I have the same sort of age gap and he is lovely and I am so very glad I met him. At your ages I don't think the different amounts of experience make so much difference.
Regarding retirement - DH was hoping that I would be able retire at the same time as him, with a modest lifestyle. I don't think that would be able to happen though. Perhaps he will be able to carry on a bit with fewer hours - he is already part -time and may be asked to reduce further anyway and perhaps I might have to ask to go to part time before I reach retirement age for physical reasons anyway. I wouldn't throw away happiness now for a what-if that is so far in the future.

SwedishEdith · 08/08/2020 16:06

Really, women should marry younger men, but so often its the other way around.

I am the older one in our relationship. But means I could spend 10-15 years of retirement 'alone', as it were. When I was younger I had a few big age gaps relationships - 15+ years. One is now dead and the other is similar age to my FIL.

tabernacles · 08/08/2020 16:09

My cousin's husband is about 30 years older than her; they have been married about 18 years now. He had adult children already; they have not had any together. His previous wife is buried in the garden.

My partner is 11 and a bit years older than me. We got together when I was 27 and he was 39, having been friends for 4 years previously. We've been together for almost 9 years now (so 36 and 47). We each have one child with other people, and none together.

So I don't think age is the major factor in relationship success.

SwedishEdith · 08/08/2020 16:10

His previous wife is buried in the garden. Is he a vicar?

corythatwas · 08/08/2020 16:13

BertiesLanding is spot on: it's about whether you are prepared to meet and accommodate any difficulties. The way I see it, an age gap is one of many things that may require extra accommodation: disability is another one, different culture is another, different religion another. I would never say "don't marry a disabled person" or "don't marry someone from a different country", but what I probably would say (having married into a foreign culture myself) is "don't do it and expect things to be exactly the same, go into it with your eyes open, have a plan".

tabernacles · 08/08/2020 16:13

No, they live in what would have been the local manor originally, so it has extensive grounds.

ThisIsMeOrIsIt · 08/08/2020 16:16

12 years gap here. DH and I very happy, we get on well, no issues stemming from the age gap at all. We both have friends who are of different ages, so our social group works really well. He is a SAHD, so retirement won't really change anything for us! (We're not ones for going on lots of holidays or anything. It's a way away, anyway!)

Original poster

Slytherin · 08/08/2020 16:27

Thank you for all the replies, very helpful.

@cuppycakey I have a DS, but he doesn’t have any children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Slytherin · 08/08/2020 16:28

I forgot to add, I have a son, but he doesn’t have any DC.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 08/08/2020 16:38

Does he want children and do you want any more?

uglyface · 08/08/2020 16:39

There are 15 years between DP and I. We met when I was 21 but, due to me building my career/buying properties/my PCOS we didn’t actually start our family until I was 32. He’s a bloody brilliant dad, we’ve had a fantastic run so far and are best friends. I suspect the age gap might be more of an issue as we age, but he’s fit and healthy and his family are notorious for living long and well (touch wood).

Another couple we know have the same age gap and have a number of issues - I think it’s different for every relationship.

Youbigdosser · 08/08/2020 16:49

Yes way too big

hels71 · 08/08/2020 17:25

I'm 49 and DH is 62. We have been married 17 years and have a 12 year old DD.

Pandacub7 · 08/08/2020 17:42

Your ages seem fine, but it would be different if you were 21 and 33 (very different life stages). Just depends on if you want the same things in life e.g. children, travel etc.

RigaBalsam · 08/08/2020 18:06

@Slytherin

I’ve met someone who I’m interested in and who is interested in me... Hes 43 and I’m 31.

I’m worried this is too big an age gap, if things do work out long term?

I meant my ex when he was 43 I was 26. We have a dd who is 12.

We split for reasons not related to age.

Stuar114 · 04/09/2022 11:53

I am 59 my wife is 47, been together 22 years with 2 children.
Would I marry her again, in a heart beat. My wife wants to retire about 60; so I’ll keep working to 71 part time, but working.
She keeps me young and I try to be her rock in troubles, I am stronger physically and emotionally. She is a better people person and more social.
For the older one eat well and exercise as you age, to make the age gap less difficult as you age.

Ihadenough22 · 04/09/2022 13:09

I would not go out with a man that much older than me. You might not notice the age gap that much now but as you get older it becomes more apparent especially as he goes towards retirement age.
I know a lady who is now 60/61 and her husband is 10 years older than her. They got married in her early 20's and she had 3 kids. When she was 45/46 she got pregnant again.

Over the years I gathered from what she said that he decided things.
He bought a family home out in the country. She was left with 3 kids in the countryside unable to drive and with no car until he came home. He never encouraged her to learn to drive. It took her years to make him see that moving into their nearest town was better as a family because they could walk to school, sports ect.
Now he is retired and he does as little as possible in the house. He does not want to go places or do things. Meanwhile she is working hard in a PT job that does not pay well. Along with this she is trying to help her last child with school work, subject choices and trying to help them decide what to do in college after school. I think her PT job gets her away from him and house and gives her a break. She is carrying most of the load and within a few years will be at retirement age herself. Her state pension will be small as she spent years as a sahm.
Her older children all have good jobs and live away.

Meanwhile her friends have children who are finished college, are working and in some cases have left home. They husband's are still working even if just PT. They are going places and doing things as a couple.

I can see the lady I know in a caring role very early in her own retirement.

HarriBac · 10/07/2023 23:22

I agree, although I’m 54 next month and have just met a 42 YO although he looks older and I look younger.. feels a bit frowned upon.

Tothemoonandbackx · 11/07/2023 00:55

I met my OH when I was 32, he was 44, same age gap as you and we've been together 3 years now. We both have kids (separately) we both own our own homes, both work full time, we have loads in common, age has never been an issue. I'll be honest, if one of us didn't have our own kids or home, it probably would have been an issue down the line, one wanting something the other hadn't got, but we were lucky that that's not been the case. My dad has a 12 year age gap between him and my step mum, and they've been together now for well over 20 years, at a certain point, age is just a number Xx

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/07/2023 05:47

At those ages it's absolutely fine.

The same gap between say an 18 year old and early 30s would be a red flag due to the power imbalance and a bit grim.

Older age gaps are much less of an issue with an older woman due to average life expectancy. Far more sensible way round than an older man and younger woman.

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