I make more money but he invalidates my work

[thepassenger99]

Hello!

First of all I'd like to say I am not seeking approval for the work I do,I understand there's a big divide between people being comfortable with sex workers and others not and that's fine.

As the start suggests I am a sex worker. Not prostitution but dominatrix work. I make good money.

My concern is my partner seems to invalidate this all the time like only his job counts yet he will happily reap the benefits of my income. So I earn more than him and he is supportive in the sense of being happy with the job I do but he is constantly asking "when will you get a REAL job" or "you should probably consider working full time and doing this as a side job" and even "my job is obviously harder because I am out from 9-5 all day you don't" (he does not have a manual labour job)

But the work I do is full time I have to do my own photo shoots,editing,website design,sessions etc etc Not only that I love my work I don't want to do anything else atm.

Iv tried explaining this but it leads to an argument about how I could be making even more money doing both...
Not sure how to handle it or if the relationship is worth continuing if he cannot accept this is what I want to do.

Thank you for reading x

Do you live with him?

If so, he seems perfectly happy to inhabit the same space that you jointly pay for, he seems happy to benefit from the good wage you bring in.

What I think is really bothering him is the fact that you're able to make more money in fewer hours, than he can sitting fixed to a chair in an office. It's an ego thing, so he's trying to put you in a place where criticism makes him feel better, right?

As for the type of work you do, I'm sure the pearl clutchers will be along shortly to insult you in veiled couched terms, but if you and your partner are both happy with what you do, then that's all that matters in the realms of this discussion.

So he doesn't want you to actually give it up -- he thinks you should get a 'proper' job and continue with the dominatrix work as a sideline.
That doesn't even make sense, if you're both happy with your job why would you relinquish some of it to presumably earn less money?
(But still keep on doing it part time)
Is he concerned about the 'respectability' aspect?
I also think he doesn't like the fact that you out-earn him.

Do you feel that the relationship is worth continuing?

I do live with him yes,

He has never shown envy for what I make but he does ask a lot to borrow money...that never got paid back so I no longer give it.

I can understand potential frustration in the fact I earn more in less time although I hadn't thought of it from that angle before so thank you!

He sounds really horrible and to be honest, I would dump him.

I imagine it's very difficult to have a relationship with someone if you work in that industry, though.

Suggest he gets a part-time job, 'so he could be making even more money doing both...'?

@HollowTalk not sure what you mean by that. My work and personal life are completely separate just like anyone else

By 'proper job' is he hinting that you are not looking after your future by payig into a pension pot perhaps?

@Kathrinjaneway

I could understand that but I invest into a lot of things I basically didn't take a salary for the first 2 years and just paid my tax and then put everything else into investments so I have money for the future (I was living at home so could facilitate this at the time I now pay equal bills)

• paying

Are you open about your job with friends and family? Are you all above board when it comes to being self employed/taxes and what not?

Not judging, just trying to get to the root of him asking about a ‘proper’ job.

@considerthecenter

Yep all family and friends are aware and I do indeed pay my taxes as self employed

@thepassenger99

I was clutching at straws a bit .

So I guess he wants you to earn even more money that he will benefit from and he is not willing or able to progress his career so his pay rises?

I think you have worse issues than the job thing. He sounds like a waste of space - borrowing money and not repaying it, lording it over you as if he’s superior because he works a 9-5.

I imagine sex work is different in that there is lots of prep involved (website/booking admin, getting ready for appointments, cleaning up, tax admin) so even if you aren’t doing a whole day of appointments full time wouldn’t be possible. Plus there’s the fact that you’re putting on a bit of a persona which is probably tiring?

What is this man contributing to your happiness/life? He doesn’t sound supportive either emotionally or practically.

Stop lending him money. If he asks, tell him to get a weekend job to make ends meet. Dump him and find someone who respects you.

I’ll be honest, as someone who’s worked in the sex industry previously, there’s a certain kind of man who presents as being ‘okay’ with it.
Sometimes they can be on a surface level, they aren’t jealous of the shared attention/sexual element. But as you’re finding out now, there’s a chip on his shoulder and he resents you, he resents the work that you’re doing is better paid than he is. Resentment is a hard place to get out from when it’s aimed at the person you’re supposed to love.

Hi op

I think I find it interesting that within your job you wouldn't take this sort of behaviour from a client. So my question is why are you taking it from him?

Full disclosure from me, many years ago I did what you do now, but not professionally, but did seriously consider it. My family as well.

A Domme vary rarely has sex with a client if ever, it's a contract with strict rules
But what Ide ask from you is, where are your boundaries with regards treatment of yourself in your personal life?

My family knew rather

Sounds like he is just envious OP. Are you sure he's really supportive of you because that's not the way he's coming over. Suspect he would be like this whatever job you did. Only you know if it's worth putting up with all of this but it doesn't sound good. Good luck 💐

Wow some of the advice on here is so insightful truly thank you!

In terms of my style of domme I do not have sex with a client ever. I am never naked and have found the art of tease works best for me,you're exactly right that I would never allow this behaviour from a client although Iv seen it as different as their isn't a power imbalance in my private life with my partner Iv seen it as we are equals which we are. Except maybe he hasn't seen me that way. I have some serious thinking to do regarding my relationship

@KatnissK I haven't lent him any money in a while. I learnt my lesson with that a while ago. He is terrible with money. I refused to blend our wages and bills ages ago I just pay my half the bills now

He sounds controlling and demeaning I'm sorry OP bit I wouldn't tolerate that, the whole borrowing money and not repaying is a big red flag also.

You are doing a career you enjoy (how many of us can say that) and are good enough at to make a substantial wage, you should not be pressured into something else to make him feel better about himself. Don't let someone undervalue you, he should be proud of you. Xxx

I'm sorry op but I'd leave him. He clearly has issues with your work and they are not for you to try and solve. I would possibly understand it if you were making a pittance and he had to cover your bills etc, but the fact you make more money than him makes me think he feels jealous and is demeaning you as a means to make himself feel better. He's a dick and you should not put up with it.

Next time he makes those comments, you should point out to him that you actually make more money than him and you're happy in your job

Agree with PPs. I don't think he likes you earning more, having your own business and also, as trite as it sounds, doing that being "dominant" over men. It makes him uncomfortable at some level he probably doesn't understand himself, and consciously he tries to convince himself he's OK with it.

There's no having sex for you in your work, but your clients presumably are doing it because of their sexual fetishes? (I don't know much about it so correct me if I'm wrong.) If so, that may be bothering him too, that they are getting something sexual from you.

I'm not siding with him, but I don't think there are that many men who are really cool with their female partner earning more than them, and that's without any other factors. Something it's taken me a long time to really understand. I was with a man for ages who saw himself as oh soooo feminist and cool with my self-employed job in which I earned more than him. Until we had kids and he refused to go part-time to any degree so my career suffered and I earned less. Gradually I realised he did really resent me being successful and tried to undermine me a lot, used passive aggressive tactics and sabotage. He still thinks he's a feminist.