I make more money but he invalidates my work

[thepassenger99]

Hello!

First of all I'd like to say I am not seeking approval for the work I do,I understand there's a big divide between people being comfortable with sex workers and others not and that's fine.

As the start suggests I am a sex worker. Not prostitution but dominatrix work. I make good money.

My concern is my partner seems to invalidate this all the time like only his job counts yet he will happily reap the benefits of my income. So I earn more than him and he is supportive in the sense of being happy with the job I do but he is constantly asking "when will you get a REAL job" or "you should probably consider working full time and doing this as a side job" and even "my job is obviously harder because I am out from 9-5 all day you don't" (he does not have a manual labour job)

But the work I do is full time I have to do my own photo shoots,editing,website design,sessions etc etc Not only that I love my work I don't want to do anything else atm.

Iv tried explaining this but it leads to an argument about how I could be making even more money doing both...
Not sure how to handle it or if the relationship is worth continuing if he cannot accept this is what I want to do.

Thank you for reading x

Sounds like he's jealous and resentful of your earning power. He wants you to conform to his norm of lower paid therefore less power. But actually you're higher paid in a role in which you are dominant (yeah yeah I know subs are supposed to have the power...), but I think his perception is possibly that you are the one in control, with the money. He doesn't like it.

I don't see much of a future for this just based on the fact that you have such differing attitudes to money. Let alone your work.

He sounds like a pimp to me ... sorry OP but everyone is entitled to an opinion. I am glad you make good money but don't let him live off your earnings.

I think the title of the thread says it all. He doesn't like the fact you earn more. It wouldn't really matter what your job was, that's the issue for him.

@JolieOBrien
Please do not say that many woman in the SW industry suffer at the hands of pimps. I am not one of them.
As I previously stated I no longer give him money he pays equal bills to me now.

Sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder that you earn more, and the easiest way to knock you down is to insinuate you have an 'easy' job compared to him.

I earn almost 2x my DH and he would never dream to say I don't work as hard as he does, even though my job comes with a lot of flexibility and autonomy.

This type of remark would just wear me down if I had to hear it all the time. I hope he is amazing in all other aspects as I would kick him to curb for being a constant twat.

thepassenger, your work sounds fascinating. I can't help think that I'd like to try it myself but I imagine that I'd get distracted by some passing thought and not stay in the game...

Back to the partner issue, you're wise not to lend any more money. You have all you need and you're not there at his behest. Perhaps that's what's bothering him? You don't 'need' him, he needs you more?

You're the first woman that I wont' say LTB too as I get the feeling that, if you wanted you, you'd go and not look back for a second.

I think you should do an AMA thread, it would be really interesting!

Perhaps before you can start making him you/your job better, you need to believe in it a bit more yourself?

From your description of your work, you're not just a dominatrix but a small business owner. Do you talk with pride about your work and congratulate yourself of successfully running your own business? (Which is not easy to do regardless of the industry).
Perhaps once he sees that you won't let him belittle you; that you made a career decision that you are committed to and you are successful in it, he might change his tune.
Otherwise, I have to say I would find it difficult to have a relationship with someone who didn't have respect for my choice of job.

As a PP said, perhaps he is simply jealous that you earn more. That is always the mark of a man not worth bothering with!
All the best OP x

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I may just do that lol didn't think people would be much interested.

I do obviously feel a lot of love for him so it would hurt leaving but I deserve to be treated well and respected because I deserve it I work my ass off to have a comfortable and easy future. Thank you for your comment x

@RoomForPudding I do yes it's a really hard industry to work in because of simply how fast paced and competitive it can be along with the fact there are safety issues that need to be at the forefront of your mind at all times as you can't be caught off guard by anything I'm really happy with how far Iv come within my work!

For anyone curious I made an AMA about my job lol none may be interested but if you are I'm happy to answer anything really

When you love your job (as you clearly do) what you do is integral to who you are. This is your calling.

So if he doesn't respect your job, he doesn't respect YOU. He wants to keep the bits of you he likes and change the aspects he doesn't like. It doesn't work that way.

I think it probably is envy over your earnings. But it doesn't really matter exactly what his problem is; the point is he doesn't respect you.

Iv tried explaining this but it leads to an argument about how I could be making even more money doing both..

This is what grabbed me.

He wants you to work longer hours like he does ... and he still has his eyes firmly on your money hoping to acquire it for himself.

I'd rethink the relationship, tbh.

I'm a bit confused by all of the responses here.

You earn good money and support your partner by choice. He largely supports you but is essentially asking when you might stop this kind of work. I'm not surprised by this, surely in a loving relationship any man or woman wouldn't want their partner to be having sexual relations (whether this involves actual sex or not), with another man/woman? He's not unusual in this unless I've been living under a rock for 50 years?

Do you want to be doing it forever? Do you do it for the good money or for something else? Genuinely interested and not judging in the slightest. I've considered sex work in the past.

From a layperson's perspective, your partner definitely sounds jealous and resentful of the fact that you're independent and sure of yourself. On the other hand, he likes the fact that you earn a lot of money. Basically, he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too!

Were you in the industry prior to meeting? I'm presuming you were so he needs to accept it.

Your partner sounds more like a housemate or FWB than partner tbh.
You don’t seem to have any shared goals for the future. He’s not trustworthy with money, so you can’t join assets towards things like buying a house or having a family or starting a business together. Plus he criticises and tears you down. I think you have settled and subconsciously his criticisms are to convince you that you can’t do better (you can).

The only thing I would worry about your line of work is that it is similar to a professional athlete. It pays really well but you can’t do it until you are 65 yrs old. Sex work is for the young imho. You will probably want to “retire” from dominatrix in your 40s. And what then? Do you plan to be financially independent? Or do you have a second career lined up?

Can you go on doing this job forever? Would you want to anyway? In which case, what will you do when bookings start to drop off, or you lose interest?

That would be my concern for you, which might make me think that studying / developing a different business in your spare time, that you could expand to full-time later, might be worthwhile.

I don't imagine what you do is the sort of thing that allows you to move into management, become a consultant, or teacher etc but I really have no idea.

Your DP's attitude is unpleasant though. I think, if he doesn't respect and value you now, he's probably not a keeper.

Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

Keep up the saving and the self-invested pension, I'd say.

"you can't do it until you are 65 years old" Why not, PlanDaRaccordement. If the OP is still working as a dominatrix when she's 65, she will have a long list of regular clients and age is no barrier when it comes to younger clients who wish to be submissive. In fact, being of a mature age can be an advantage in the OP's business.

Imo the root of your dp's problem is envy in that he sees how you earn your living as being 'easy money' and he'd like some of that for himself, OP.

@thepassenger99
OP, I am no pearl clutcher and truly believe that everyone should have a job they enjoy. In your case it might be more literal though.
However your partner doesn`t sound a nice person. He wants to have his cake and eat it - and I assume he is no Prince Harry!

You come across as a very switched on lady, good for you!
I hope you find someone who deserves you (that might not be your current partner!)

Enjoy life and your work!
(which I certainly could not do!!! - I am happy with my laptop job

If I'm being charitable, I wonder if he simply does understand how much thought/attention/skill/emotional energy goes into working with your clients. You can't do it on the side alongside another job [unless the other job is very part time] because it's really demanding work.

Being less charitable, he's surely skating on thin ground by borrowing money and not paying back. Maybe time for him to move out, if he can't stop arguing with you about how your earn your living?

I did phone sex for a while, it was safe, easy, extra £ (crap £ in my then day job) before webcam became the norm.. None of the men I dated had a problem with it, in fact they wanted to know commonest fantasies etc. He sees it as not respectable, but that's his problem. If you're not pimped, feeding an addiction, co-erced or having sex, what's the problem? I'd ditch him, he sounds patronising & a £ leech.

I have two friends who have the same job as you, I feel your pain that some people dont understand it.

Anyway, I dont understand why your partner wants you to work two jobs when you earn more than him, it makes no sense if he genuinely isnt bothered by the fact your job isn't 'conventional'.

@PlandeRaccordment, older Dominatrix's are very in demand. I got a lot of guys asking if I'd do that face to face when in my phone job . There was a recent Channel 4 doc that had several 50+ ladies, with clients of all ages.

Hi!
This thread has been really helpful and I'm going to talk to my partner regarding the fact that my job is valid and his comments have to stop if he wants a future between us.

Also
I'm still deciding on what I want to do in the future but that will not dictate what I want currently. I have a happy life in most other aspects and I'm going to continue to do so!

Again thank you so much everyone on this thread it's been wonderful having some new insight

Another thought op

He knows you can dominate other men/clients
I wonder if he likes the thought even if unconsciously of being dominant to you ?

Also there might be a switch issue in your personality, that allows him a bit of control over you.

Dominated clients, don't only come for sexual kinks, they come to give up control to someone who they know has a duty to look after their welfare.
It gives them a break from being in control of themselves, and from high power jobs.

Did his attitude get worse after you stopped lending him money?