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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabled husband, 3 kids

285 replies

LdnRed99 · 20/01/2020 02:46

Disabled husband and 3 kids...

My husband was born with a condition which is degenerative and recently he has started using a wheelchair. He is looking to buy a new one that can be folded down to take about with us. Whilst we are the getting a hoist for our car there may be times we don't have a hoist available and he is expecting me on those occasions to lift the chair in and out of the car. I already have shoulder problems from lifting our double pram in and out of our boot (we have a 5 year old girl and identical twin boys at 10 months).

Am I being unfair telling him I won't be doing that ever and he can use an adapted taxi instead should that situation arise?

Please vote and comment...I'd love to know why you answered the way you did

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 20/01/2020 02:51

So he has a degenerative condition that you've known about for a while? I'm a wheelchair user and very much reliant on help with it when out, including vehicular transfer. Just so I have this right, you're essentially refusing to help him, on the basis he could get an adapted taxi everywhere instead? Your empathy is extraordinary Hmm How do you think he's feeling right now?

VimFuego101 · 20/01/2020 03:00

Surely you need to make sure you have the hoist available so that this situation doesn't happen?

HerRoyalNotness · 20/01/2020 03:03

Occasional lifting should be manageable

CloudonLegs · 20/01/2020 03:11

YANBU how will you cope if your shoulder problem becomes even worse. The hoist and taxis seem like the best solution.

mathanxiety · 20/01/2020 03:37

Why do you still have a pram for 10 month olds?

DownWentTheFlag · 20/01/2020 03:40

Surely it will depend on the weight of the wheelchair, and how well you manage it?

Original poster
LdnRed99 · 20/01/2020 03:44

Sorry..force of habit...it's a pram which is switched to a double pushchair / buggy!

OP posts:
Original poster
LdnRed99 · 20/01/2020 03:51

He is trying to get the lightest one possible but even then it is still at least as heavy as the boys double pushchair. He has an electric wheelchair at the moment which he will part ex the new chair for as it can't be taken anywhere other than an adapted vehicle. I think he should keep it and just plan things ahead using adapted taxis. There aren't that many around but he should be able to book them in advance. It's hard enough with 3 kids let alone my husband's problems

OP posts:
UndomesticHousewife · 20/01/2020 03:51

Is the wheelchair so heavy that it cannot be lifted into the car?
And why would the hoist not be available on occasion are you buying it or borrowing it?
Sorry about the questions I honestly don't know

Original poster
LdnRed99 · 20/01/2020 03:54

The hoist will always be available in our car it's just if we go anywhere without it is his concern and he is planning for me to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
LdnRed99 · 20/01/2020 04:01

Undomestichousewife...99 out of 100 times we will be in our car so won't be an issue. But if we ever went somewhere with out it...holidays / with my mum in her car / if we have too much stuff in the boot etc. He doesn't drive so anywhere he wants to go is reliant on me or taxis. I just have enough on my plate without doing something which will harm me

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 20/01/2020 04:03

You can get lightweight aluminium wheelchairs, mine is around 6kg. If he already has an electric chair it makes more sense to keep it, especially with the pram.

SimplySteveRedux · 20/01/2020 04:04

he will part ex the new chair for as it can't be taken anywhere other than an adapted vehicle

Sorry, misread this part.

mathanxiety · 20/01/2020 04:08

Just don't go anywhere with your mum?

Only go on holiday to places you can take your car?

I don't think you should be assuming you can be spontaneous where travel is concerned, at least until the DCs don't need a buggy any more.

Mrsjayy · 20/01/2020 04:20

He shouldn't expect you to lift a heavy power chair no a taxi he can wheel into is sensible.

SD1978 · 20/01/2020 04:21

You've been aware of this inevitability for the entire duration of the relationship, and having children. Have you never previously discussed that you do not wish or will be involved in aspects of his care? Surely this is a conversation that should have happened long ago- that you will not make any concessions for him. To be discussing this now seems far too late.

pictish · 20/01/2020 04:24

I don’t know. My mum was a wheelchair user and had a foldy-uppy one for the car that I was happy to lift in and out of the car for her on a regular basis. It wasn’t an issue and no harm came to me as a result of doing so.
I lift bikes in and out of my car regularly now too and again there’s no problem with it.
Based on that I think yabu.

Creepster · 20/01/2020 04:27

Repetitive stress injuries become more severe as time goes on.
I hope you are able to find another way of doing things. If you keep aggravating your shoulder you won't be able to lift anything for anyone.

Original poster
LdnRed99 · 20/01/2020 04:37

We knew all along things would get worse but talking about it and dealing with it on a daily basis is really hard. He has bad muscles that cause him pain all the time and his constant huffing and puffing each time he gets up off a chair is really hard to listen too for everyone around him. He still works part time and we have things like a stairlift as he would often crawl up the stairs before. The physical effort of playing with the boys on the floor, getting up and down, carrying them or even when he changes a nappy if one of the.boys keep trying to escape he tells me is unmanageable at times which makes me feel the kids and I an inconvenience now

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/01/2020 04:41

Who would help him in and out of the car in these scenarios? I think you always need the hoist with you when travelling.

Member869894 · 20/01/2020 04:57

You must be utterly exhausted as it is OP caring for four people, two of whom are under a year old. Just came on to wish you well and hope that you find a way through. X

AgentJohnson · 20/01/2020 05:09

if one of the.boys keep trying to escape he tells me is unmanageable at times which makes me feel the kids and I an inconvenience now.

How often are taking the double buggy out of the car boot? I suspect that you’ve taken it in and out of the boot more times then the times you’ll have to take the wheelchair on the rare occasion that the hoist isn’t available. Op you’re resentment is showing
and I think it might be time to talk to someone because resentment is corrosive.

PlumsGalore · 20/01/2020 05:13

As someone who ends up at the osteopath just shifting a suitcase or sitting too long in one position such as a flight I would say YANBU

You must be exhausted, you can’t look after other people if you don’t look after yourself, and despite your DHs disabilities there must be a compromise.

💐

serenintheforest · 20/01/2020 05:18

YANBU.
I've worked for years in disability and aged care services. There is so much pressure on family carers to push themselves beyond their own limits (we can even see it on this thread).

So I think it's good that you are thinking about your own limits at this point, and getting in the habit of just being really clear and direct about what those limits are.

Remember, there is always more you could be doing. If you agreed to get the chair in and out of the car, there will be other, heavier things you'll have to say, "no" to carrying. Or further that you could carry it, or more often - so best that you decide now where your "no, I can't do that," will start, so that you can flourish and continue to care for all your dear family for as long as they need it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 20/01/2020 05:28

Your attitude is disgusting , you can buy lightweight wheelchairs.

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