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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabled husband, 3 kids

285 replies

LdnRed99 · 20/01/2020 02:46

Disabled husband and 3 kids...

My husband was born with a condition which is degenerative and recently he has started using a wheelchair. He is looking to buy a new one that can be folded down to take about with us. Whilst we are the getting a hoist for our car there may be times we don't have a hoist available and he is expecting me on those occasions to lift the chair in and out of the car. I already have shoulder problems from lifting our double pram in and out of our boot (we have a 5 year old girl and identical twin boys at 10 months).

Am I being unfair telling him I won't be doing that ever and he can use an adapted taxi instead should that situation arise?

Please vote and comment...I'd love to know why you answered the way you did

OP posts:
thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 20/01/2020 22:07

My point is that you said "what he can't do is help OP look after her three children, which is why she's tired".

As though he's not exactly as much their parent as she is.

Her posts read as the posts of a wide who loves the man she conceived twins with 18 or 19 months ago but is exhausted.

I don't understand why people are talking about the father of these children as though he has no agency, or his wife as though she's solely responsible for deciding to go ahead with the pregnancy, which she says was unplanned and talks about the conversations they had around family planning.

Junie70 · 20/01/2020 22:12

I used to be a carer OP, and looked after a disabled younger man (following a sporting injury). His wife was always pallid, tired, could barely raise a smile. She was so downbeat it made me want to cry. He was very "specific" in how he wanted things done, and it was done his way or not at all. I appreciate that he wasn't in control of his own body, but he literally had no idea how heavy/awkward some of his equipment was, and there were many times I had to bite my tongue. I had this 4/5 hours a day, his wife had it 24/7. I came away from their home several times having pulled a muscle or having hurt myself, and in the end, several of us raised it with the agency we worked for and steps were put in place to protect the care staff. Much to his disgust, I would add.

If you're out of action, who looks after you, OP?? Self preservation is the key here, and there is nothing wrong at all with having strong boundaries and keeping them.

Flowers
KindnessCrusader · 20/01/2020 22:15

@mathanxiety Why do you still have a pram for 10 month olds?

You're kidding, right?!

misspiggy19 · 20/01/2020 22:17

If a disabled woman came on here saying her partner told her she would have to go live in a care home away from her children because she was making "stupid mistakes" the response would be one of unilateral anger. He'd be called abusive and rightly. Part of me thinks this is a reverse or a complete wind up.

^Completley agree with this point.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 20/01/2020 22:21

misspiggy19 if the wife had the disability you can bet nobody would write

"What she can't do is help him look after his three children, which is why he is tired"

woodchuck99 · 20/01/2020 22:22

As though he's not exactly as much their parent as she is.

That's not what I meant at all. I meant that she is exhausted because she is caring for three children and he can't help her with them rather than because she is looking after him. It was in response to someone who seem to think that being married to someone who is physically disabled is similar to looking after someone with dementia. It isn't.

woodchuck99 · 20/01/2020 22:32

if the wife had the disability you can bet nobody would write

"What she can't do is help him look after his three children, which is why he is tired"

Are you serious? If a man had to look after his children because his wife was ill loads of people would say that!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/01/2020 22:38

@woodchuck99 I thought OP said he helped look after them over the weekend and was often so tired from that he often had to take Monday off?

woodchuck99 · 20/01/2020 22:43

I thought OP said he helped look after them over the weekend and was often so tired from that he often had to take Monday off?

Yes, he obviously does help but presumably not as much as she would like. Not sure she's any worse off than other people with twins considering her mother is living with them during the week though.

ItsReallyNotOk · 20/01/2020 23:00

It getsso.badat home sometimes I tell him he will lose us all if he doesn't change his attitude and stop making stupid mistakes. I do say to him at times maybe he should go and live in a care home where he can get the care he supposedly wants.

@LdnRed99 - sorry I must've missed your post about the mistakes he's making as I'm on the app and for some reason your posts aren't highlighted- what's going on there?
What care does he want/need?

Francina670 · 20/01/2020 23:05

Anyone who has been a carer to a partner and a parent of young children at the same time will know how immensely draining and frustrating it is. You have no real help with the children, and on top of that you have to meet the needs of a pretty demanding adult. For most people in this situation I expect the disability is recent or like the op recently worsened. Which also means that the partner is unlikely to be in a good place mentally either. So you don’t have emotional support or practical support.

Paintedmaypole · 20/01/2020 23:05

I feel sorry for everyone involved in this situation.
I do have experience of lugging a wheelchair in and out of a car and pushing it round over a 15 year period so I know it isn't easy. I recall getting snippy when helping with transfers from wheelchair to car for someone who found it hard to weight bear and I regret that now, so I do sympathise.
Hopefully OP's shoulder injury won't be permanent.
It sounds like OP is very exhausted and resentful but has become unsympathetic to the other people affected by this situation, notably her husband, who is doing his very best in the circumstances, but also her Mum and in laws.
The ILs are willing to help but that is a non starter because she doesn't get on with them Her Mum is willing to spend most of her time helping but OP ,as well as her husband doesn't get on with her.
This situation isn't what anyone in the family would ideally like but perhaps there are ways of using the family support in a way that suits better.
It may help OP to find some counselling or support outside the family. Overall I think YABU and sometimes unkind but you are only human and I understand why that is. I feel very sorry for your husband.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/01/2020 23:45

You have no real help with the children,

Apart from her mum living with them 5 days a week to help with the children?

GrolliffetheDragon · 21/01/2020 00:02

He has bad muscles that cause him pain all the time and his constant huffing and puffing each time he gets up off a chair is really hard to listen too for everyone around him

Surely this isn't serious???

I think this is the worst thing I've ever read on here.

I assumed the OP and others who care about her DH find it difficult to hear him in pain. Wouldn't anyone find that difficult? Especially if there was nothing they could do and it was permanent.

My DH has chronic health problems and when they're causing problems I find it distressing.

OlaEliza · 21/01/2020 09:14

Read the rest of the op's posts, that was not what she meant.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/01/2020 09:24

My DH has chronic health problems and when they're causing problems I find it distressing.

Depends whether you express that distress as concern for him or annoyance that he's disturbing you with his huffing and puffing doesn't it?

MorganKitten · 21/01/2020 11:20

DH wants his parents to help out but it's just not.an.option. it gets so.bad at home sometimes I tell him he will lose us all if he doesn't change his attitude and stop making stupid mistakes. I do say to him at times maybe he should go and live in a care home where he can get the care he supposedly wants.

Let his family help, it ight ease things for you.
What stupid mistakes?
Don’t make care home threats, my mum is in one due to an accident and the fight to get one to care for her needs was hard. My dad sees her everyday after work and all weekend. But then he took in sickness and in health vows with her so wants to spend the time.
Talk to mobility about getting a better car it’s the only way we can get her out and about, she’s in a chair we have to push and an azalea say about 20kgs

Oh and I visit several times a week, plenty of families with lots of kids go daily.

Mistigri · 21/01/2020 11:29

You must be absolutely exhausted! Total respect for what you're coping with.

With small children AND a disabled partner to care for, your own health must be an absolute priority ahead of EVERYTHING else.

If you risk injury doing something and there is an alternative, then FGS use the alternative!

Your husband's physical disability does not prevent him from planning ahead with regard to transport etc. And he must understand that if you get a repetitive strain injury life is going to become extremely difficult for all of you.

I am also a carer for a disabled partner and I have a rotator cuff (shoulder) injury from doing too much. Broke my other arm badly two weeks ago which has been a blessing in disguise because (a) I just can't do stuff and other people (mainly my teenager) have had to step up and (b) forced rest has enabled me to recover some mobility in the shoulder of my non-broken arm.

Anyway, don't listen to the haters. You are definitely NBU!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/01/2020 17:45

When people are exhausted, it tends to make them less reasonable. When people are afraid or in pain, it has the same effect. Both of the adults in this situation are under huge stress, and there is an expectation that one of them will be self-sacrificing, patient and uncomplaining. It seems to me that something is going to give, and possibly soon.

I actually think that counselling should be considered here, both to help them come to terms with the situation and to work through how that affects their marriage. Every marriage has tough times and I can remember clearly my husband being (temporarily) disabled and after about 6 months his "huffing and puffing" was enough to make me nearly murderous!

OP, I think you are entirely reasonable to refuse to do anything which is likely to injure you, given the consequences of that. If that means you can only travel when you plan ahead, then so be it. Can you ask for an urgent assessment of your husband's care needs? I think you need to be the squeaky wheel here, because otherwise you will be fobbed off and nothing will change. And I really think counselling will help, or at least finding a group for carers so that you have somewhere to offload to people who are in a similar situation. (I suspect that you have blurted all of the things that have built up inside you on this thread and that has made you seem less sympathetic, which probably means that you don't have anyone "safe" enough to talk to.)

mathanxiety · 22/01/2020 08:46

KindnessCrusader Mon 20-Jan-20 22:15:22

mathanxiety Why do you still have a pram for 10 month olds?

You're kidding, right?

Not at all. Ten month olds are capable of sitting in a buggy. Most ten month olds I know would not take kindly to a pram.

Maybe check out the OP's response to my question about the pram before leaping to the snippy responses?
it's a pram which is switched to a double pushchair / buggy!

mathanxiety · 22/01/2020 10:04

OP, I suggest you, your mum, DH and DH's parents all go to family therapy together and try to figure out a way of all of you getting along together and supporting you.
www.ift.org.uk/
Institute of Family Therapy site - I would try to find a therapist here.

Neither you nor DH can afford the luxury of 'not liking' people who are able and willing to help, or 'not getting along' with them. You have three children and a husband with a degenerative disease that affects his mobility and ability to be a hands on parent and partner. He has a wife and three children whom he is asking a lot of - through no fault of his own, but any bad feeling between him and your mum is pathetic, and the same goes for bad feeling between you and your ILs. You both need to do better.

Neither of you is dealing too well with reality right now.

You need to go to physiotherapy to learn to lift and to deal with the shoulder injury you have.

You need an adapted people carrier sooner rather than later. Don't wait until you have an injury to get one.

Mummyzzz044 · 13/02/2020 08:04

Are you the same woman that has just made a thread about stopping your husband seeing his parents?

Bikerider2020 · 13/02/2020 08:35

@Mummyzzz044 yes she is Shock

Mummyzzz044 · 13/02/2020 08:37

Oh wowwww! Unbelievable woman. Actually an abuser

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