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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish he’d just left me to sleep?

64 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 11/11/2019 23:46

We have an 8 day old DS. First baby, still getting the hang of things. Breastfeeding so I’m not getting a great deal of sleep.

Earlier on this evening I’d fallen asleep on the sofa whilst MIL was holding sleeping DS. DH wakes me and says we should all just go to bed. We change DS who wakes up then needs feeding afterwards.

That was nearly 2 hours ago. DS is still feeding. I haven’t brushed my teeth, I need to change my maternity pad and the paracetamol I’m taking because of my episiotomy has worn off. DH is fast asleep in bed.

Could he not have just let me sleep on the sofa a bit longer? DS was sleeping, I was sleeping, everything was fine, then DH put a stop to all that because “bedtime” and now the only person sleeping is him!

OP posts:

mrsfollowill · 11/11/2019 23:50

Wake him up! Get painkillers/change pad and let him get baby off to sleep- doesn't he know you never wake a sleeping baby/mum! He needs to do his bit so tell him to get on with it.

Missillusioned · 11/11/2019 23:51

This reminds me of when mine were tiny. I'd be so tired and ex would tell me to go to bed early. Completely missing the point that there was no rest for me just because we'd gone to bed! I was breastfeeding and on duty 24/7. Ex never once gave the babies a bottle, even when I tried expressing.
But if we went to bed early he got to sleep so it was a win for him.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 11/11/2019 23:51

Yep, as per Mrsfollowill

minipie · 11/11/2019 23:53

You’re right but I guess he just hasn’t got used to the new reality that there isn’t “bedtime” any more. You sleep when you can. Tomorrow, you can have a calm conversation about this with him. Ask him to take the baby after the morning feed and let you go back to sleep, since he’s had an extra 2 hours tonight. Hope you get some sleep soon.

minipie · 11/11/2019 23:54

Oh and agree with mrsfollowill if baby is difficult to settle post feed, he can do it.

thenightsky · 11/11/2019 23:55

YANBU. Tell him never to do it again. I can feel your frustration and exhaustion from here you poor thing

I remember those days.

Slappadabass · 11/11/2019 23:55

Wake him up, tell him to get you your meds, then tell him he needs to hold the baby whilst you change and get ready for bed.

He's the parent too, just because you are breastfeeding doesn't mean he doesn't have to do his share.

And tell him next time he dares to wake you up you will kick him in the balls as hard as you possibly can then keep him up for a week straight to give him just a little a taste of what you have been through!

AnxietyDream · 11/11/2019 23:56

Yanbu to feel that. But it probably wasn't done with malicious intent, and he's new to all this too.

For future reference tell him never wake a sleeping baby - and if the baby doesn't need you never wake you either!

BlingLoving · 11/11/2019 23:57

I bet he was thinking you'd sleep better in the bed. Because he still hasn't figured out that you don't get sleep. I'm sort of surprised your MIL didn't stop him though! This is annoying but I can see DH doing that. Come to think of it, I can see myself doing this to DH in different contexts but have realised it's not helpful as he won't sleep better in bed (long, boring).

Make it very very clear for future. If he wants to be helpful, while you and baby are sleeping, he can get the bedroom perfectly ready for you to slip into once the next feed is done. Or he can go sleep and leave you a note saying you should wake hi and he'll com downstairs with the baby while you go back to bed later.

littlehappyhippo · 11/11/2019 23:59

@mrsfollowill

Wake him up! Get painkillers/change pad and let him get baby off to sleep- doesn't he know you never wake a sleeping baby/mum! He needs to do his bit so tell him to get on with it.

THIS.

Wake him up @AngeloMysterioso He may not have meant it but his behaviour is quite selfish. As you say, the only one sleeping is HIM. Too much of an 'I'm alright Jack' thing going on here!

I hope you get peace, and lots of sleep (and are pain free!) very soon.

mrsfollowill · 11/11/2019 23:59

I'm a bit cross for you OP - I bet you could do with a bath/shower as well and looking after ... really, if he is a good guy he should not object to this- is he on paternity leave? I've seen too many men treat this as a bit of extra annual leave. It's not. He is supposed to be looking after the two of you. Wake him up up if you haven't already . DH worked permanent nights when our now 17yr was born I could not have watched him sleep while I struggled!! The fact he was out at work saved him from my wrath!

ruralcat · 12/11/2019 00:03

He should of left you on the sofa or woken just you so that you could of had a sleep in bed. You need to explain that for a breastfed baby any disturbance usually means they'll want feeding again which therefore means you're back on duty again.
Are you managing sleep at other times of the day? I'v got a 13 day old and am generally not getting out of bed/waking up for the day until 10:30 as I'll go back to sleep with baby.

BlingLoving · 12/11/2019 00:04

Also, should have said... wake him up as soon as baby finished feeding. Tell him he must settle baby ad you need to get yourself sorted and go back to bed.

gamerchick · 12/11/2019 00:08

Wake the fucker up. Hand him the baby and go and see to your needs.

Tomorrow practise different ways of feeding lying down and eject selfish fucker from the bed so you can co sleep safely and in comfort.

FridalovesDiego · 12/11/2019 00:20

You never wake a sleeping baby or mum. When my daughter was brand new I fell asleep putting my toddler to bed. My own mum discovered me and placed my new baby next to us. That is what you should do. Not wake everyone up to just go to a different sleeping location.

Purpleartichoke · 12/11/2019 00:27

Wake him

Have him bring you your medicine and a snack so it doesn’t hurt your stomach.

Tomorrow, calmly explain that if you and baby are sleeping and safe, you should be left in that state wherever you happen to be. Doesn’t matter if aliens land in your garden, you don’t get woken up.

managedmis · 12/11/2019 00:29

Yip. He'll learn

SeaToSki · 12/11/2019 00:38

PP have said most of it, but also, you dont need to change a nappy on a sleeping baby. If they need changing they will let you know.

Middledistancerunner · 12/11/2019 01:00

Bloody hell men are just slow on the uptake sometimes.
Absolutely wake him and get yourself seen to. Be vigilant with the paracetamol, don’t let the pain in and you’ll be feeling better in no time.
It took my dh one full baby to learn to give me rest when I needed it, not when he thought I should have it, he was much better during dc2’s infant stage.

I could have happily strangled him when dc1 was small. No judge would have convicted me.

DeRigueurMortis · 12/11/2019 01:07

So slightly in defence of your DH, I assume he's also finding his way with a newborn.

Which, to be honest is exactly why you need to clarify how this is going to work before you get into a pattern that becomes normal.

I know it seems obvious that you and the baby should be left to sleep (and was to my DH) but on the assumption he thought "going to bed" was the right thing to do, you need to make clear that isn't the case.

As pp's have said, wake him up. I presume he's on parental leave given your baby is 8 days old. Do not get into a "normal" where because you are breastfeeding, you have to change every nappy, sooth to sleep, respond to every cry etc.

More than anyone right now, you need support to heal and recover, whilst also feeding your baby.

So be blunt and don't tip toe around the issue. Tell him what need and don't be shy about telling him he can go to bed when you've had a bath/shower etc or waking him up to do his bit.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 12/11/2019 01:32

Wake him up. Tell him what you need.

Creepster · 12/11/2019 02:15

I am so sorry he did that to you.
It sounds like you are going to have to have a talk with him about his controlling behaviors if you want to get any rest in the coming weeks.

Preggosaurus9 · 12/11/2019 05:00

Another vote here for calmly and bluntly having a debrief tomorrow... do not wake you or baby if in safe position! Also tell him to get your paracetamol etc in simple language.

I nakedly/semi nakedly roamed the house at night with DS attached to get myself water / snacks / painkillers. Even turned the shower on to have a wee. Amazing what you can do with one hand. Don't feel you have to stay in bed if you need to get something and don't want to wake DH. Depending on how helpful he's being he may deserve some sleep

ukgift2016 · 12/11/2019 05:41

It doesn't sound like he did it maliciously. It is YOUR choice to breast feed as well so resenting your husband for not having breasts is pretty shitty.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 12/11/2019 05:45

Wake the dipshit up and get him to move his arse and do his share.
Not help out. But be a man and do his share of the parenting.

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