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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish he’d just left me to sleep?

64 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 11/11/2019 23:46

We have an 8 day old DS. First baby, still getting the hang of things. Breastfeeding so I’m not getting a great deal of sleep.

Earlier on this evening I’d fallen asleep on the sofa whilst MIL was holding sleeping DS. DH wakes me and says we should all just go to bed. We change DS who wakes up then needs feeding afterwards.

That was nearly 2 hours ago. DS is still feeding. I haven’t brushed my teeth, I need to change my maternity pad and the paracetamol I’m taking because of my episiotomy has worn off. DH is fast asleep in bed.

Could he not have just let me sleep on the sofa a bit longer? DS was sleeping, I was sleeping, everything was fine, then DH put a stop to all that because “bedtime” and now the only person sleeping is him!

OP posts:
itsthemostwonderfultime · 12/11/2019 05:53

Maybe it was MIL who suggested that you would be more comfortable in bed and DH just went with it. Hope you are ok and managed to get some sleep 💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/11/2019 06:03

My dh used to do this. Perhaps try separate bedrooms then you can go to bed more instead of dozing on the sofa. He should have stayed up until the baby woke then brought your ds to you.

Freddiefox · 12/11/2019 07:13

Maybe it was MIL who suggested that you would be more comfortable in bed and DH just went with it. Hope you are ok and managed to get some sleep 💐

Those pesky mil at it again 😂

YabaDabaBoo · 12/11/2019 07:17

It sounds like you are going to have to have a talk with him about his controlling behaviors

Oh jeez there’s always one with the ‘controlling behaviour’!

It’s your first baby and the baby is 8 days old. You’re both new at this. He probably thought he was doing a nice thing not realising the implications. Just wake him up now and ask him to get you some painkillers. Tomorrow, calmly talk to him and ask him not to wake you next time.

There will be many more mistakes so cut each other some slack. Just tell him what you need and if he then ignores it, you have something to be angry about.

nocluewhattodoo · 12/11/2019 07:27

Well it isn't great that he woke you, but you are both only a few days into working out the new normal with a baby. Talk to him about how you are going to need all the rest you can get, so if you are sleeping and baby doesn't need bf then he should leave you alone. I think men can easily forget how much of a huge undertaking giving birth is once it's over, and that is extremely frustrating when you really need someone looking after your needs as you tend to the baby's.

Might be a good idea to make little collections of things you need (painkillers, waterbottle, eat-with-one-hand snacks etc) in the places you usually feed. Then you aren't marooned with no sustenance during cluster feeds.

transformandriseup · 12/11/2019 07:43

I don't think DPs understand just how tired their partners are in the first few weeks, even if they are a really hands on dad. Your needs are important too but you need to tell him that and tell him what he can do to help you.

lioness88 · 12/11/2019 07:48

His intentions were probably there but yes he should have let you sleep. I'd be fuming. Echoing what PP said, DP's really don't get the physical and emotional toll we go through in those first few weeks.

lioness88 · 12/11/2019 07:48

Posted too soon, I hope you woke him up to get you paracetamol at least.

Quartz2208 · 12/11/2019 07:50

I hope you woke him because you needed his help
It’s a learning curve

superking · 12/11/2019 07:57

I really feel for you, this is the kind of thing that would have left me simmering with resentment in the early newborn days. I would give your DH the benefit of the doubt though, he is finding his way just like you and was probably trying to do the right thing. As a pp has said I would just tell him never to wake you up again! I hope you got some sleep in the end.

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 12/11/2019 12:09

I managed to wake him last night and he held DS long enough for me to sort myself out. He was very apologetic.
This morning however, when I was trying to settle DS after his 8-9 a.m (ish) feed, he announced he was going for a run... whilst he was out I settled DS into his nest thing and we both fell asleep, me with my arm resting across the pillow and my hand on the other side so DS would be able to feel me there if he moved.
DH got home from his run... and woke me up. Not by accident. He went and did all his faffing about on his scales etc and had a shower, while he was in the bathroom I fell back to sleep, he came back in... and woke me up again. He said he was worried that my weight was on DS. I tried to explain that he should have left us to sleep, and he said he wasn’t going to creep around at nearly 12 o’ clock. I explained that there’s no bedtime and awake time for us, if we’re both asleep we need to be left to sleep, even if that does mean making an effort to not disturb us. He said fine go back to sleep then... I told him it’s not that easy, I’m awake now, and any minute DS is going to wake up and want feeding again.
He got the hump, said I’ll leave you to it and fucked off downstairs.
And now DS is waking up. Here we go again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 12/11/2019 12:25

He came back up, didn’t say a word to me, and got a load of his laundry to put on.

I’ve had a load of laundry waiting by the washing machine since last night. Guess it’ll have to wait!

OP posts:
TheBrilloPad · 12/11/2019 12:29

This is the worst of it OP. Almost everyone hates their other half when the baby comes along. You're so exhausted and they just don't GET IT. And their lives carry on as normal and you're just harbouring so much resentment to them. And even if they do stuff when told, it's frustrating having to always be the one to tell them.

If he's otherwise a lovely partner who usually pulls his weight, you'll get through this. You'll hate him less when the baby starts sleeping. Be crystal clear about weeekends "don't wake me. If baby is crying, take him out in the buggy so I can't hear. Do not ask me where anything is. If you can't find it, make do. I will get up in four hours - I've left a bottle in the fridge" etc etc.

gamerchick · 12/11/2019 12:35

It's a shame he's being stroppy, he just doesn't get it does he? Not wanting you to sleep during the day because the attention isn't on him?

Tell him clearly to leave you alone while you and baby are asleep. Keep saying it and tell him unless he starts being more considerate there will be problems and resentments.

Why's he only doing his own washing? Hmm

raspberryk · 12/11/2019 12:37

"his" laundry?
You don't sound like much of a team, exhausting I know but you need to spell it out to him, you've birthed a baby and he is presumably on paternity leave to support you and pick up all the slack! He isn't off so he can have runs when he would usually be at work.
Plus he needs to leave you to sleep, at any time, he is an idiot.

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 12/11/2019 12:44

We’ve always done our own laundry, it’s not a big deal but I would have been grateful if he’d thought to put mine on for me. Everything I wear tends to get covered in breast milk at the moment, and PILs house is so cold it takes everything days- literally- to dry.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/11/2019 12:48

Why are you at your PILs, OP?

Celebelly · 12/11/2019 12:49

He sounds pretty inconsiderate. Presuming he is still on paternity leave? My DP took a month off and did literally everything. All the laundry for us all, the cooking, cleaning. He took baby whenever possible so I could rest, he made sure I had everything I needed when feeding, heck he even did my blood thinning injections as turns out he is freakishly good at administering jabs GrinAnd damn right he crept about if I was sleeping, whatever the time! He does realise he isn't on holiday, right?

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 12/11/2019 12:50

We’re currently living here. Long story, have had a few threads about it. Hopefully it won’t be for much longer.

OP posts:
Mumofone2001 · 12/11/2019 12:54

Honestly it is so hard with a new baby and most women end up having issues with partners.

If he had left you to sleep on sofa and you woke up hours later with a crooked neck from lying funny and he was starfishing in your bed you would've been unhappy.

If you woke up leaning on the baby and he told you he was just going to leave you to sleep, you'd be annoyed he risked the baby for your sleep.

Honestly having a baby is so hard and it is difficult to know what to do as a mum or dad. My husband used to have my baby downstairs 9pm-12 so I got a few hours every night if that's a possibility for you? (I breastfed but big feeds and not smelling me meant he was okay).

The washing thing is ridiculous, but you could have said to him, can you do mine, and that would have solved that?

Take time for yourself where possible and nice you have MIL who can hopefully keep holding baby so you can keep getting naps in Flowers.

He is the one getting sleep so remind him of that when he holds something you have said when sleep deprived against you! E.g. walking around in a huff!

LochJessMonster · 12/11/2019 13:02

Exactly what @Mumofone2001 has said.

DeRigueurMortis · 12/11/2019 13:26

You need to speak to him again.

The simple fact is that "time" as he knows it, doesn't exist for you right now, nor will it for a couple of months.

There is no daytime, nighttime, lunchtime, dinner time....

What there is is baby time, which is broken into feeding time, nappy change time, sleep time, soothing time. Somewhere within that you need him to create a space for Mummy time. Time for you to shower, dry your hair, get dressed/undressed etc

Mummy time isn't at a set time, it happens at the most convenient point in any 24 hours for you and the baby. It also doesn't include the time to put on laundry, cook a meal or any such tasks that he's capable of doing, because you are doing a task he can't right now - feeding the baby - and that takes priority.

It's not forever, as the baby gets older you will establish a routine and "time" slowly changes back into a recognisable (albeit updated) pattern. But until that happens he needs to step up to his responsibilities, to enable you to what's required for the baby without becoming utterly exhausted.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 12/11/2019 13:41

It sounds like he is being a bit shitty...he doesnt need to be quiet because its almost 12pm? Why would he think the time is relevant when you've got a newborn and are waking up every other hour?

billy1966 · 12/11/2019 13:54

OP, he sounds like a really inconsiderate, selfish prat.

Is he particularly stupid?

Which bloody part of "don't wake me up" can't he understand.

Spell it out to him forcefully.

And mind yourself. He does not sound nice.

💐

simplekindoflife · 12/11/2019 14:03

Your update makes him sound 100 times worse!! Of course he should be creeping around a sleeping new Mum and a newborn! Exactly that!

Selfish bastard.

Why isn't he looking after you and putting you and the baby first?!

I think you need to spell it out to him. You can't go on like this.

Are you taking a long maternity leave OP? I'd make it clear to him that if he doesn't start doing your laundry when you need him the most then you certainly won't be doing his laundry when you're at home and he's at work. You should be a team and he is clearly all about himself at the moment.

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