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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possessive friend Xmas day

60 replies

Littlepeak34 · 08/11/2019 22:13

So we’ve just had a family get together and I just try to confirm with my DM she is coming to mine for Xmas dinner (I am hosting). A long with my DM, I have invited my DF (divorced many years ago but civil). We normally do Xmas dinners separately with them but I am hosting this year and DM has recently split with long term 2 partner so didn’t want her to be alone.

When asked, DM said she has now arranged to spend Xmas with her friend.

This friend, is relatively new of hers and their friendship has become very intense. Friend is my age so my DM is not a similar age to her.

Friends mother died recently and has seemed to clung on my own DM. That in itself is fine as she must be going through a hard time but friends behaviour seems odd and possessive e.g. constantly texting my DM and getting annoyed when my DM doesn’t reply or ring her. Also sleeping over at my DM house and spending most evenings there despite the friend herself having her own DC.

It’s hard to explain but I feel like this friend is kind of claiming my DM as her own and sometimes comes across like she’s trying to isolate my DM so friend has her all to herself...

Which is why I’m annoyed that my DM has now said she is spending Xmas day with this friend.

AIBU? This friend of DM has lost her mother and my mum is supporting her (fine) but friend is possessive and she is my DM, not hers and should be spending Xmas with us??

OP posts:

ginnybag · 08/11/2019 22:23

That's odd, OP, and I would be wary of it turning abusive. Has your mum ever bought things for the friend or given her money?

To tackle Christmas, why not suggest they all come to yours?

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 08/11/2019 22:28

I'd invite her to yours for lunch

Ponoka7 · 08/11/2019 22:29

I think the friend being your age is clouding your judgement and you have set yourself up in competition with her.

It's your Mother's choice how much support she gives her Friend and might be using it to as distraction from her break up.

If your Mum was breaking a long standing arrangement of having Christmas with you, you'd have a point. But she isn't.

So should be get to spend Christmas with friends when we, have Adult children? I think so.

Do you celebrate everything with her and never friends?

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 08/11/2019 22:31

Yes numerous times probably. But my DM is quite a generous person, I know she regularly cooks dinner for her. Giving her money, probably not, but gifts yes.

I might invite friend to mine too so she isn’t alone.

OP posts:

CalmdownJanet · 08/11/2019 22:32

Yanbu that is odd. How old are this woman's kids that she go can in sleepovers?

afternoonspray · 08/11/2019 22:37

DH's dad had something similar going on after his mum died. I found these family 'friends' really creepy. Definitely trying to usurp DH. When his dad started making excuses that he couldn't come because of them, I had a word and said: DH s your real son. Don't lose him because X keeps demanding you spend time with him. X was vey interested in DFiL's money too...

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 08/11/2019 22:40

Ponoka I agree with a lot of what you say actually. I might feel like I am in competition with her for my own mother. But I probably feel like this because of this friends intense behaviour. It’s almost like this friend is treating my DM as if she was in an actual romantic relationship with her but not a normal one, but an intense, possessive one. Like she is trying to take my DM for myself.

Like I said, it’s hard to explain but my DM has herself expressed her concerned to me about this friend and her feeling a bit too intense. She has showed me texts and friend sent angry texts when my mum didn’t ring her all day 🤔

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 08/11/2019 22:42

He is about 6 but spends a lot of his time with his own DF so this friend has a lot of time to herself.

OP posts:

LifeImplosionImminent · 08/11/2019 22:50

Maybe your mum is wary of spending xmas with your dad, I know you said it's civil but she will be feeling raw from her second break up. Maybe she's using the excuse of the clingy friend to avoid more pain...? Just a thought because I know fuck all about your situation obviously!

messolini9 · 08/11/2019 22:53

friend sent angry texts when my mum didn’t ring her all day

Red flag here.
Good idea to invite them both for Xmas. You can keep an eye open for any escalating possessiveness.

Your mum needs to keep it very clear in her mind that she does not owe new friend anything, least of all justification for how mum spends her own time. The demanding, angry texts are worrying, & sound like the thin end of a batshit wedge.

Firefliess · 08/11/2019 22:56

Sounds a bit odd. But if your DM confides in you about some concerns about this friendship I think the most important thing to do is keep that channel of communication open. So don't make a big thing about Christmas. Having just split with a partner she may prefer to do something a bit different this year anyway. What you don't want to do is have your DM feel she can't talk to you about the friend because you'll get jealous or worry too much about her.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 08/11/2019 23:08

It’s odd, and I’d put money on the friend trying to take advantage of her kind nature. Nip this right in the bud. Have you met her?

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 08/11/2019 23:09

Do you have siblings?

Cauliflowerhead · 08/11/2019 23:16

The angry texts would concern me. I think the boundaries have been crossed on what’s an appropriate friendship and what’s a toxic relationship.

Ask your mum how she feels. See if she feels guilty or even responsible for this woman and go from there. Some times it’s really hard when a person has such a giving nature for them to pull back from some one that is still quite clearly grieving and desperately needs to fill a hole. That’s not your mothers job to do.

angelfacecuti75 · 08/11/2019 23:33

The friend is behaving oddly but is grieving so mighnt be like this normally.. Maybe have a quiet word with dm.

incognitomum · 08/11/2019 23:41

How odd? I agree with inviting friend too if you can bare it.

I'd also be worried about those texts.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 09/11/2019 00:46

I also agree about inviting the friend

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 09/11/2019 07:32

I have 3 other siblings but I am probably closest to my DM.

I think my DM does feel responsibility for her. But as a previous poster said, with her splitting up from her partner, This friend has also helped her feel less lonely.

My DM has expressed that she feels a bit suffocated from her and has had to be very firm about things. Friend for example has been planning my DMs days off with her. My DM isn’t a pushover but has got a kind nature and will feel bad about her being by herself at Xmas.

I will invite her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 09/11/2019 07:34

Planning my DM days off assuming my DM is going to spend all her free time with friend. My DM has had to firmly say no, I’m doing x this weekend.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 09/11/2019 07:38

I’d invite the friend as well. I imagine your mum made the plans so she herself wouldn’t be alone as you usually do it separately and it’d be unfair for her to let her friend down.
The texting bit does sound weird but I think the rest of the friendship is two people who have a lot of time by themselves just choosing to spend it together

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 09/11/2019 07:48

It's hard to know what is behind the friendship. I'd agree with others about inviting the friend, keep your enemies closer and all that
I don't like the sound of the possessiveness one bit, however friendship is so very personal and it's hard for you to know what each of them are getting out of it. I'm in my 50s and have a friend who is younger than my daughter, we certainly don't have daily contact but just get on really well, same sense of humour. I was mighty passed off when my DD raised her eyebrows when this particular friend is mentioned. I did ask why the look and she said she couldn't put it into words but it feels weird when people of such differing ages have a friendship, almost as if one would be bound to be taking advantage of the other is some way. I personally think it was jealousy!

pictish · 09/11/2019 07:56

Trust your instinct and be supportive to your mum, while keeping your more robust opinions about her friend to yourself.
If your mum brings it up, then yes, discuss your feelings about it.

If the friend is a bit of a loonbag it will become apparent eventually.

SandraOhshair · 09/11/2019 07:57

The friend has DC, so if you invite her I imagine you'll have the DC in tow too?
Sounds weird. From what you've said your mum doesn't sound particularly strong either?

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 09/11/2019 07:59

For clarification, I did invite my DM round mine ages ago. He offering to spend it with friend was after she said she would come to mine.

Okay, if she would rather not come to mine as my DF will be here etc. I will understand. But last night she explained what she really wants to do is come here but agreed to b with friend as she would be alone. To me is seems she is feeling responsible for this friend and doing things at the expense of what she really wants to do.

I think I will speak to her and just check that she actually wants to come to mine first.

OP posts:

CAG12 · 09/11/2019 08:02

Id invite friend around too.

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