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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possessive friend Xmas day

60 replies

Littlepeak34 · 08/11/2019 22:13

So we’ve just had a family get together and I just try to confirm with my DM she is coming to mine for Xmas dinner (I am hosting). A long with my DM, I have invited my DF (divorced many years ago but civil). We normally do Xmas dinners separately with them but I am hosting this year and DM has recently split with long term 2 partner so didn’t want her to be alone.

When asked, DM said she has now arranged to spend Xmas with her friend.

This friend, is relatively new of hers and their friendship has become very intense. Friend is my age so my DM is not a similar age to her.

Friends mother died recently and has seemed to clung on my own DM. That in itself is fine as she must be going through a hard time but friends behaviour seems odd and possessive e.g. constantly texting my DM and getting annoyed when my DM doesn’t reply or ring her. Also sleeping over at my DM house and spending most evenings there despite the friend herself having her own DC.

It’s hard to explain but I feel like this friend is kind of claiming my DM as her own and sometimes comes across like she’s trying to isolate my DM so friend has her all to herself...

Which is why I’m annoyed that my DM has now said she is spending Xmas day with this friend.

AIBU? This friend of DM has lost her mother and my mum is supporting her (fine) but friend is possessive and she is my DM, not hers and should be spending Xmas with us??

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 09/11/2019 08:03

Is actually speak to your DM and rope your siblings in to help.
This has the potential to go seriously wrong!

pictish · 09/11/2019 08:22

It’s up to your mum to recognise that her friendship with this woman is off-kilter and too intense. If she is being manipulated she has to make a decision to deflect it and distance herself appropriately.
I assume that the friend will eventually become so annoying and demanding, your mum will bin her off.

AngusThermopyle · 09/11/2019 08:27

How old are the friends children? Won't she be with them at xmas seeing as you said she stays at your mums even though she has kids? Hence not alone, surely?

Raindancer411 · 09/11/2019 08:33

Oh this is a hard one, as you said you need to sit down and talk to mum. Explain your worries and keep lines of communication open.

dottiedodah · 09/11/2019 08:39

Bill and Ben .I too have friends of different ages .A lady about 20 years my senior ,and get on well with my Daughters friend who is about 30 years my junior! Works well ,obviously have friends my own age too but they work and I am a SAHM.If you are on the same wavelength it doesnt matter really.In OP position I would be concerned as it seems a little bit intense somehow .

messolini9 · 09/11/2019 08:53

From what you've said your mum doesn't sound particularly strong either?

Oh, disagree! Have just read this & OP's mum sounds a cracker - kind, but not a pushover -
Planning my DM days off assuming my DM is going to spend all her free time with friend. My DM has had to firmly say no, I’m doing x this weekend.

Motoko · 09/11/2019 12:18

Well, your mum has told you she'd rather be at yours, but she's feeling guilty about her friend being on her own. So the obvious solution is to invite the friend as well (and her DC if they're not at their dad's).

However, I get the feeling, friend will decline your invite, with some reason why she can't leave her house, so she'll have your mum to herself. She'll manipulate your mum into feeling like a bad person if she comes to yours.

Perhaps warn your mum that she might do this, and she'll need to decide if she's going to give in to the manipulation.

Durgasarrow · 09/11/2019 13:53

I think you are right to be concerned, unfortunately. This is very strange.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 10/11/2019 03:35

The two times I’ve heard of this happening, one turned terribly nasty. Lots of manipulation, thousands of dollars lost, all because the older person was too polite to say no. It all began quite slowly but became insidious.

The second incident (involving my elderly dad) was nipped in the bud very quickly. There was absolutely no reason why a woman my age would strike up a friendship with Dad involving hours spent together. None. Dad wasn’t 100% comfortable but simply was too polite to say no. If it seems odd, then it is.

The reason I asked if you had siblings is because I think you should bring them up to speed on what is going on.

Sleeping over and possessive texting rings massive alarm bells. What possible rational reason could there be for sleeping over at your mums when this person has a home and other children? I smell a fat rat.

Josephinebettany · 10/11/2019 04:09

I don't like the sound of her. I wouldn't want her coming to my house for Christmas. I'm sure she will find something to do if your mother explains that she was already made plans with her family and she will see her after Christmas. Your mother needs to start backing away and keeping her as a normal friend not someone she has to ring every day and have stay over

BillHadersNewWife · 10/11/2019 04:41

My MIL got into a friendship like that. The woman was quite vulnerable and my MIL is outgoing, affectionate and friendly so seemed quite charismatic to this woman.

MIL likes to be needed so enjoyed it for a while...then they went abroad together for 3 weeks (To visit DH and I where we then lived) and it all went tits up. MIL couldn't bear the woman's needy attitude and it was clear the friendship would be done and dusted.

Just be patient...it will sort itself out. Your Mum is probably enjoying being needed now her relationship's over.

PearlsBeforeWine · 10/11/2019 05:00

I'd absolutely be having a word with any friend if mine who was treating my mum like this.

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 10/11/2019 07:20

They actually did go on holiday together a couple of months ago. And they had a huge fall out.

Apparently my mum jokingly said something like, I’ll just do my own thing today then.
This friend disappeared for a few hours. When she realised my DM wasn’t going to pander to her, she came back to the hotel very upset and started crying saying my DM didn’t care about her...! This was probably only 2 months after their friendship really started. My DM went mad and they had a huge row. Like I said my DM isn’t a pushover and she then put in some boundaries.

When they got home, DM said she was glad it had happened as now she was less intense but I think it’s gradually getting worse again. Friend knows what boundaries not to cross but still clings onto my DM.

This friend has her own kids but they spend a lot of time at their dads to clarify.

OP posts:

elderlyhippo · 10/11/2019 07:25

When I read OP I thought your DMum simply does not want Christmas with DDad, and has found something to do which is preferable to that.

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 10/11/2019 07:25

I have met the friend and she does seem lovely but also a bit of a lost soul.

DM has told me she thinks friend is jealous of all of her own kids. I actually feel like when my DM spends time with me or the family, this friend is sat at home seething.

I need to make sure I book myself into my DMs days off to see her as her and DM see each other so regularly (inc. evenings after work), they will always have something planned together unless I get myself in there first.

OP posts:

CherryCheezcake · 10/11/2019 07:34

Your Mum is being kind, but you might mention that it is perfectly normal for an adult (the Friend) to be on their own on Christmas Day. The Friend will be fine spending the day on her own, your Mother isn't saving her from a fate worse than death.

2020bump · 10/11/2019 07:37

This has got more red flags than a communist convention!!! I feel for your DM having been in similar situations

Itsallpointless · 10/11/2019 07:50

This sounds very odd indeed. She is grieving, so that can impact behaviour, but to this degree?

Your DM is not responsible for her friend, I think she needs to keep a distance.

Spied · 10/11/2019 07:51

I'd be encouraging dm to come to you for Christmas. I would not be inviting this 'friend'.
This 'friend' has children but is spending Christmas with your Mum? It's all very strange.
Grab your dm and run for the hills....
I get a bad feeling. I'd be sleeping with one eye open.

Ciara1234456 · 10/11/2019 07:53

Tell your mum she is coming to yours for Xmas, ask her if she would like you to invite her ‘friend’ or offer to drop some turkey over later so that she is not alone all Xmas day. Otherwise you may end up catering for her too. It may be better to invite her and find out where her family is and whether she has any other friends. Be extra kind to her and find out her full situation. You need to protect your mother because it sounds like she can be easily manipulated to do things she’s not happy with.

Original poster

Littlepeak34 · 10/11/2019 07:55

Oh this just came to my head but I found I quite funny, if not creepy.

They went to the cinema together and my DM told me she was creeped out by friend as she looked at my DM all lovingly throughout the film. Friend was at staring at my DM and not watching the film.

OP posts:

Raindancer411 · 10/11/2019 08:04

I think your mum needs to slowly get out of that friendship. That would worry me myself lol

insanepizza · 10/11/2019 10:20

I'd be really worried that this is turning into an obsession / infatuation after a bereavement. Please look into this and get your mum to, it sounds uncomfortable and worrying.

JingleTit · 10/11/2019 10:30

My mum had this. Her friend turned out to be unbelievably possessive and needy. Everything had to be about her. She had no family, so was very lonely, but her behaviour was atrocious. Think she was lining Mum up as some weird caretaker figure. Mum ended up cutting ties after friend had a screaming fit when mum didn't answer a phone call right away. The reason? She was driving home after seeing her new grandchild in hospital.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 10/11/2019 10:34

I'd be worried as well. If this friend was male, everyone would (rightly) be saying controlling, manipulative and abusive.

A friendship should be a two way mutually beneficial thing.
Not one friend consistently doing all the giving
Not spending all their time together at the expense of other friendships and family
Not being manipulated into spending time together because if one of them makes other plans, or wants some time to themselves, the other one throws a huge tantrum to try and guilt them into it or make then just give in because it's easier.

Your mum sounds like on the one hand she knows what is going on, and the other hand she is still letting herself be controlled and manipulated. For example Christmas, she had already made plans. Assuming she does want to come to yours, its awful she has had to change those plans because she feels guilty over her friend being alone. Guilt is not a good reason to spend time with someone.

I would be very worried to be honest. If your mum isn't careful she will find her other friends start to drift away as she sees them less or cancels them to appease her new friend. I don't think someone as manipulative as her friend will respect boundaries she tries to put in place either

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