Possessive friend Xmas day

[Littlepeak34]

So we’ve just had a family get together and I just try to confirm with my DM she is coming to mine for Xmas dinner (I am hosting). A long with my DM, I have invited my DF (divorced many years ago but civil). We normally do Xmas dinners separately with them but I am hosting this year and DM has recently split with long term 2 partner so didn’t want her to be alone.

When asked, DM said she has now arranged to spend Xmas with her friend.

This friend, is relatively new of hers and their friendship has become very intense. Friend is my age so my DM is not a similar age to her.

Friends mother died recently and has seemed to clung on my own DM. That in itself is fine as she must be going through a hard time but friends behaviour seems odd and possessive e.g. constantly texting my DM and getting annoyed when my DM doesn’t reply or ring her. Also sleeping over at my DM house and spending most evenings there despite the friend herself having her own DC.

It’s hard to explain but I feel like this friend is kind of claiming my DM as her own and sometimes comes across like she’s trying to isolate my DM so friend has her all to herself...

Which is why I’m annoyed that my DM has now said she is spending Xmas day with this friend.

AIBU? This friend of DM has lost her mother and my mum is supporting her (fine) but friend is possessive and she is my DM, not hers and should be spending Xmas with us??

Invite the friend too. A) you can keep an eye and see what you think's going on and B) friend's reaction to being invited will tell you something. She might be gracious and accept. Or she might feel - and show - that it doesn't suit her and she'd rather be alone with your mum. Really hard to know what's going on here but def red flags, although your mum sounds pretty sensible and no push-over.

Why on earth are so many people urging the OP to invite this person?

OP; your mother has shown you angry (abusive?) texts, she has voiced concern to you. She needs you to be in her corner and help her start to remove this person from her life. The woman is clearly not good for your mum and the fact your mum has voiced concern would to me, be a red flag that she wants you to help but is too embarrassed perhaps to ask directly.

Don't invite the woman but support your mum to tell her that she is not going to spend christmas with her and support your mum to get some healthier boundaries in place with this woman. Offer to speak to her on your mums behalf.

What does your Mum want to do about Christmas? In that she has already been open with you about finding this woman too much, I think you can have an honest conversation and make a plan together about how to tackle this. Does she want to invite her over? Can you find a reason for her not to come that you can both get behind? I suspect this friendship will die a death anyway, but it would be a shame if it ruined your Christmas in the meantime.

OP this happened to me many years ago. I befriended a younger woman who was homeless at the time...I spent a lot of time chatting to her and offering a little support here and there, such as going with her to the HE. She eventually moved into her own place and that's when things escalated. She would ring constantly and text, becoming furious if I didn't pick up immediately. Gradually the conversations turned to her being broke and that she needed money.

I was suffocated and could see clearly the direction it was going. I told her it was too much, wished her well but I would not be continuing the 'friendship'. She didn't get the message and continued to bombard me with texts and calls. When I blocked her she managed to use another friend's phone to call me so that I answered. I changed my number. Fortunately I also moved house at that time, moving some distance away, otherwise I would have no doubt she would have come to my home.

Meant to add....your DM needs first and foremost to look after herself and protect herself. She is not responsible for that woman's happiness and it is a big problem that the other woman is putting your DM in that position. If this were my mother, I would support her in finishing this friendship in any way I could. Of your DM is doing this only out of kindness, then she is not being kind at all to herself.

Hopefully it will all come to a head if this woman doesn't back off. I wouldn't invite her to yours either

I think friend also helps my DM though in that she keeps her company in the evenings. So I don’t think my DM wants to end the friendship but just try and put boundaries in place.

I have mentioned to DM to make sure the friendship is what she wants and not just based on what friend wants in terms of time spend together etc.

I’m worried that friend has somehow manipulated DM into feeling guilty about her spending Xmas alone. I just have an image of her smiling to herself that she has managed to isolate my DM from family on Xmas day.

I need to get to the bottom of what DM really wants to do. And if she genuinely wants to be with us, I think I’m going to have to help her realise how friend has manipulated her..

I'm not sure your DM can put boundaries in firmly enough. The cinema thing was very odd, and the friend seems very possessive.

I'd be encouraging your DM to drop the friend and find something else to do in the evenings, and you also mentioned going over to see your DM more. Rope in your siblings, too.

I know your DM will feel resposible, but point out that this is what these needy, clingly people rely on. Don't let your DM be guilt tripped.

This thread reminds me of Killing Eve.... Sorry OP. Just being honest 😬

Have you tried having a firm word with friend?

Any update as to what happened