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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding AIBU, to not invite...

55 replies

shouldputthewashingaway · 21/10/2019 23:56

We are getting married next year, I have two friends I would like to invite however I am not keen on either of their partners for various reasons, mainly the fact that we have simply never got on. They are the kind of men that make me feel uncomfortable, I find them rude and demanding. Added to that, both men are close friends with my youngest child's father who my partner and I don't have a good relationship with - due to his behaviour not ours.

I would like my two friends at my wedding, for context I would choose to socialise with them with female friends but not in couple groups and they are my good friends, however I just wouldn't like their partners to be there. I simply don't want anyone at my wedding who makes me feel uncomfortable, I've grown to realise I don't need to spend time with anyone I don't like especially on my wedding day.

I suffer from severe anxiety and I'm finding this a really difficult decision as I hate to upset anyone hence my real struggle over this.
AIBU to want my friends there but not their partners and what would you do??

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 21/10/2019 23:57

I’d just invite the friends

I don’t have time for people I don’t like.

Original poster
shouldputthewashingaway · 22/10/2019 00:01

I'm tempted to just invite the friends but concerned they may be offended that their partners aren't included, it's very clear one partner and I don't get on, not so much with the other.

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 22/10/2019 00:03

Yeah agree. Just invite friends. It's your day.

Original poster
shouldputthewashingaway · 22/10/2019 00:07

Thank you.
I also tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered how I would feel if my partner was excluded but he's not the same kind of person as them so I couldn't ever imagine him not being invited along with me.

OP posts:
Myshitisreal · 22/10/2019 00:11

Could you ask if they are happy for you to invite the two friends as a pair as you have to keep to limited numbers. That way its more polite. Or just say why your not inviting them.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/10/2019 00:15

I'd just invite friends as well

Singlenotsingle · 22/10/2019 00:16

Just invite the friends. The partners might not want to come anyway. If it's a Saturday, they'd prefer to watch the footie in the pub.

Original poster
shouldputthewashingaway · 22/10/2019 00:17

Oh I like that idea!
I have broached the subject with one of them and feel I may have offended her so I backed off a little before I made it any worse!

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldputthewashingaway · 22/10/2019 00:18

Single, I have a feeling they might not want to come anyway to be fair. I am sure the feeling is mutual!

OP posts:
Myshitisreal · 22/10/2019 00:27

I did this on my wedding, I invited my neighbour and her mum rather than my then both separately, and their plus ones. No one was offended, everyone was happy 👍 😁

Original poster
shouldputthewashingaway · 22/10/2019 00:34

Myshitisreal this sounds like a good plan 👍🏻 I've been too focused on not upsetting anyone to come up with a logical solution like this!

OP posts:
TigerCameForTea · 22/10/2019 00:45

We did this with one of my friends.. Her husband is a racist, bigoted bully. I told her the reason we hadn't invited him... She blocked me and we haven't spoke since ☺️

Djimino · 22/10/2019 00:53

It might depend on how big the wedding is. If it's a small wedding then it might look better than if it's a big wedding.

Will there be many other people coming without partners.

I've been invited to wedding without my husband and haven't given it any thought. He didn't know the people getting married so it would have seemed odd for him to come.

Purpleartichoke · 22/10/2019 01:10

This is why I hate the term partner. It has come to mean everything from we’ve been on 3 dates to we have been living together, sharing finances and children for 35 years.

If these relationships are serious enough that they are living together, you have to invite them as couples. It will cause a huge blow-up if you dont

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2019 01:16

I'd agree to just invite your friends. Blame it on 'the dreaded numbers' if you can. But you will have to be prepared for them to ask you if their DPs can come and/or for them to be upset about it.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/10/2019 01:25

I would invite just the friends and only specifically exclude their partners if they ask ‘Is Steve invited too?’ Otherwise let them work it out from the single name on the invitation. I doubt they’re completely oblivious to your feelings about their partners.

HUZZAH212 · 22/10/2019 02:16

I think it depends on the type of wedding really. If it's a small gathering after in a restaurant then it's okay to invite the women sans partner. If it's a big bash with a sit down meal, DJ, dancing, bar. They'll probably want their partners with them. Will it involve an overnight stay or travelling far for the venue? Are they part of a close group of friends and will the other friends partners be invited?

SpiderHunter · 22/10/2019 02:40

I also tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered how I would feel if my partner was excluded but he's not the same kind of person as them so I couldn't ever imagine him not being invited along with me.

They probably think the same about their partners. So it is exactly the same - if you were invited to a wedding and your partner wasn't, how would you feel? Most people would feel upset / hurt and many would end a friendship over it. Particularly if it was a deliberate snub, as this one is.

HUZZAH212 · 22/10/2019 02:54

I think SpiderHunter makes a very valid point! You may dislike their partners but they obviously love them. Also pp suggestion involving a joint invite for a mum and daughter is a million miles away from an invite to two women who aren't related (it's a bit odd). I definitely think an invite to a restaurant when everyone ships off home at 11. Is very different to say an overnighter/12pm £50 taxi ride home alone, or even worse if they have kids who'll have to be piled into a car at unsociable hours so the DP can pick them up. Yes, it's your wedding and you should have what you want. But if its likely to result in the friends being out of pocket for a new outfit, nice present, potential annual leave (and if needed the cost of a room or expensive travel), and not being able to think of it as a 'good day/night out with their DP. Then it's possibly better to not extend an invite at all.

7salmonswimming · 22/10/2019 03:12

Are you prepared to lose your female friends over their choice of husbands? By inviting the women and not their husbands you’re really commenting on the women and their choice of men. And, really, who knows what goes on in a couple?

I have two friends of 25+ years. I can’t bear either of their husbands: boorish, full of themselves, arrogant. But, my friends like them. So that’s that. I make an effort around them for my friends’ sake. I’m not obliged to like them, and my friends know I don’t and that I am actually having to make an effort. I also appreciate that these men make my friends happy, so who am I to pass judgement.

In my world (unfortunately) partners and husbands come and go. Friends tend to stick around for life.

GoingFullBillFoster · 22/10/2019 03:16

We had a very small day do and invited our friends to that and said their partners were welcome to join us for the evening do. It worked really well.

Josette77 · 22/10/2019 03:42

How big is your wedding? Are you prepared to lose your "good" friends over this?

Monty27 · 22/10/2019 03:47

Send them a joint invitation. To each of their phones and any comeback say seats are short due to venue

HUZZAH212 · 22/10/2019 03:50

Also adding you say yourself you've broached the subject with one of your friends and backed off because she wasn't happy. So really you could get 400+ replies on here saying 'do what you want, and don't invite the DPs'. But it makes zero difference what we all say when you already know how she feels about it.

HUZZAH212 · 22/10/2019 04:07

Please don't send them a joint invitation! It's far worse than being sent a solo one. Unless it's a mother and dd/ds combo or the Chuckle brothers it's just weird 😳

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