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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding AIBU, to not invite...

55 replies

shouldputthewashingaway · 21/10/2019 23:56

We are getting married next year, I have two friends I would like to invite however I am not keen on either of their partners for various reasons, mainly the fact that we have simply never got on. They are the kind of men that make me feel uncomfortable, I find them rude and demanding. Added to that, both men are close friends with my youngest child's father who my partner and I don't have a good relationship with - due to his behaviour not ours.

I would like my two friends at my wedding, for context I would choose to socialise with them with female friends but not in couple groups and they are my good friends, however I just wouldn't like their partners to be there. I simply don't want anyone at my wedding who makes me feel uncomfortable, I've grown to realise I don't need to spend time with anyone I don't like especially on my wedding day.

I suffer from severe anxiety and I'm finding this a really difficult decision as I hate to upset anyone hence my real struggle over this.
AIBU to want my friends there but not their partners and what would you do??

OP posts:
CircleofWillis · 22/10/2019 04:10

I think if you don't invite your friends' partners you should be prepared for the possibility that your friends will not come as well.

Even if they do come they are likely to feel hurt when they see that other people who are not as close to you are in couples.

sofato5miles · 22/10/2019 04:35

I would suck it up and invite them, if I wanted to keep the friendships

Durgasarrow · 22/10/2019 04:40

How big is your wedding? One doesn't spend all that much time with one's guests on one's wedding day.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2019 04:53

Gosh no don’t do this. Completely different from a mother and daughter scenario. You will offend your friends and may lose them. That’s far worse than having these men, isn’t it? There are threads, where just this sort of result has occurred.

It’s ok to not like people. You don’t have to like everyone, who comes to your wedding, you know. Sometimes you have to invite people - as long as they won’t kick off to keep the peace. At most I would invite them both and somehow drop into the convo (If can you do It subtly) that if their partners only wanted to come to the evening bash, you really won’t be offended.

BlackCatSleeping · 22/10/2019 05:01

I also suspect it will cause a lot of problems. Surely if it’s a fairly big wedding you’ll hardly see them. It’s different to invite say some coworkers but not their partners, but most people expect partners to be invited to a wedding.

Curlyeyelash · 22/10/2019 05:09

In my opinion you should only invite someone you really cannot stand if they are a relative. And even then it's horrible.

I agree with previous posters on doing it to maintain the friendships though. So maybe just suck it up for that reason.

To think all the money and work people put into weddings and they can't even have the people they want there!

OooErMissus · 22/10/2019 05:13

There's no way around this - if you don't want your friends' partners there (and that's completely fair enough), then you need to explain to your friends what's going on.

You can't just not invite them, and expect them to robotically, unquestioningly accept that.

Life doesn't work like that. They'll either ask if they're invited - in which case you'll need to say no.

Or, they'll be mortally offended, and possibly not ask you about it, causing a rift in the friendship.

Your choices are:

  • don't invite them, don't explain it, and offend your friends.
  • explain to your friends that their partners aren't invited - possibly still offend your friends, but at least do them the courtesy of explaining.
  • suck it up and invite them.

There is no way of guaranteeing a good outcome on this, unfortunately.

Greenwingmemories · 22/10/2019 05:59

I'm with Ooermissus. The thing is that though it's perfectly clear to you why you don't like their husbands and why your future husband is completely different to theirs, they aren't going to see it like that. Unless they have terrible relationships, they're going to love their husbands and want to be with them. And they'd be offended if you didn't like them.

If it's a biggish wedding it'll dilute the situation and you'll quite possibly not have to interact with their husbands much at all. Also you'll be so busy that you may not have time to even think about them. And tbh brides tend to talk on the day to people they feel closest too, so it would be perfectly acceptable to have chats with your friends but not their partners as you go round the tables, or in the evening, and just say hi to the husbands and hope their having a good time.

MRex · 22/10/2019 06:36

I'd go against the trend and just not invite the friends. "Decided to keep it to just family and a couple of our oldest friends, I'd love to take you both out for lunch as a separate celebration." kind of thing. If challenged just play it down as "I was looking at a bigger event but it didn't feel right (because it's not a first wedding / I'm shy / we've got the kids / whatever suits), so we've scaled it right back and I feel much more comfortable."

It's a shame you spoke to one friend as that's going to be hard to come back from. I hope you only gave her the reason of them being friendly with your ex, because she would of course be offended by anything else. What exactly did you say?

donquixotedelamancha · 22/10/2019 06:48

I also tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered how I would feel if my partner was excluded but he's not the same kind of person as them so I couldn't ever imagine him not being invited along with me.

Now imagine how you would feel if a friend not only didn't like him, but didn't respect you enough to tolerate your choice of mate.

One friend is already annoyed, is thus really worth losing friends over.

Original poster
shouldputthewashingaway · 22/10/2019 07:14

Thanks for replies everyone, really is some food for thought.
In answer to some questions, small ish wedding, no kids invited, no sit down meal, both long term partners but as mentioned before we don't socialise as couples.
They're quite close so wouldn't necessarily be too weird inviting them together for numbers, and totally get that they will probably think the same as me about their partners.
I have some serious thinking to do, but this is really helped.

OP posts:
mauvaisereputation · 22/10/2019 07:21

I think that if you are inviting other people with partners, your friends may well notice and be offended. I also think it's a bit off to deliberately exclude partners from a wedding - a celebration of partner-hood! I think you should invite them, sorry.

StoppinBy · 22/10/2019 07:23

I am all for only inviting people you want there including family that you haven't seen in years etc but I would not do this. Weddings are an event where I think if you invite one half of a long term couple you need to invite the other half unless you can openly tell your friend why you are not inviting their partner but that's a pretty big if IMO.

elessar · 22/10/2019 07:23

Yeah it does depend if you are inviting other friends with partners. They are likely to notice if they are the only two without plus ones.

Original poster
shouldputthewashingaway · 22/10/2019 07:32

Yes that totally makes sense. I'm softening to the idea of one of the partners, all these replies really are completely valid and have really make me think, but I just can't seem to crack on the other one... I just have this awful feeling about inviting him.

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 22/10/2019 07:34

I think you should be prepared if you do do this for a fall out/ potentially hurting or losing friendships.
You’ve broached it with one and it clearly has not gone down well.

HUZZAH212 · 22/10/2019 07:52

You can't exclude one friend's partner alone if you now think you'll invite the other. To be honest if you really don't get along and feel it's mutual I don't think you have to worry too much. I'd bet eating my hat they'll snub the invite themselves, and friend will either politely decline or come without them. At least you'll still get the upper hand from extending the invitation. However, if you don't offer they'll potentially twist it to 'see! I told you she's never liked me'.

hidinginthenightgarden · 22/10/2019 08:01

I didn't invite my friends partner to the wedding. I really didn't like him but she refused to come without him despite us being friends for 20 years.
When someone else declined I said he could come. They have since broken up and I regret giving in and letting him come. They basically ate the lunch and left to visit the zoo!

Actionhasmagic · 22/10/2019 08:02

I invited some work friends to my wedding but had never met a lot of their partners so asked them to be each other’s plus 1s. Was fine ! Have who you want at the wedding. Don’t invite wankers.

tiredmummy1991 · 22/10/2019 08:15

I had this exact same problem with my wedding with a group of friends I have, who's partners I don't like, I just invited the friends and explained it was because that's always how we socialise and I was trying to keep numbers (costs) down.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/10/2019 08:45

Yes that totally makes sense. I'm softening to the idea of one of the partners, all these replies really are completely valid and have really make me think, but I just can't seem to crack on the other one... I just have this awful feeling about inviting him.

Whatever you do, don’t invite one partner and not the other. Neither partner can be dismissed as a numbers issue; one partner is a clear choice (read snub). If they’re close enough that you’re considering a joint invitation, they’re too close not to compare notes on this.

I would ditch the joint option. It’s weird to tell adults who they’ll be coming to a wedding with. A friend did it to me once - she said to bring someone with me; ‘I was thinking maybe Jo?’ The next thing I know I got an invitation to Cough and Jo. If she’d just said, ‘BTW, I’m inviting Jo too’, I’d have thought nothing of it. Instead it was like she’d decided she wanted to invite us both and make a token offer of a plus one, but had no intention of either of us bringing someone else.

smaragda · 22/10/2019 08:49

If the partners really make you uncomfortable, then don't invite them! It is your right to invite who you want, having said that if I was invited without my partner (and I knew others were there with their partners) I would probably just not come. You get to decide who to invite, but they get to decide if they will attend

AmIThough · 22/10/2019 09:07

Just invite the friends then on the invitation put 'due to venue capacity unfortunately there is space for plus ones'

elessar · 22/10/2019 09:59

I do think honestly it's quite bad form not to invite them. Are they married?

How would you feel about your husband to be not being invited to their weddings?

OooErMissus · 22/10/2019 18:26

I invited some work friends to my wedding but had never met a lot of their partners so asked them to be each other’s plus 1s. Was fine ! Have who you want at the wedding. Don’t invite wankers.

That's completely different from the OP's scenario - these aren't work colleagues, and she has met their partners.

Just invite the friends then on the invitation put 'due to venue capacity unfortunately there is space for plus ones'

Yes, do this if you don't really care about the friendships. They will arrive and see that others do have 'plus ones'.

Maybe just don't invite the friends themselves either, in that case...

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