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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let him off with paying child maintenance

79 replies

Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:32

In lieu of the 600 per month that I receive for my children, particularly my child with mild sen . I am fully permanent and pensionable in my full time job also and we earn the same. He will be difficult with money side of things . Thanks

OP posts:
lyralalala · 20/09/2019 11:36

If you both earn the same why should he not share the cost of your DCs

Entirely up to you, but he should be contributing. How often does he have the children?

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:39

11/14 nights and two evenings per fortnight for a few hours. He wants to halve the financial support from the government . At least I’m guaranteed that money to my account if he decided to withhold his own contribution . What should he normally pay in these circumstances. It’s all new to me thanks again

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 20/09/2019 11:39

Sorry but no, the children are his and he should be contributing. We should not encourage deadbeat dads.
My first husband paid nothing and I brought my son up alone. My son now aged 40 has zero respect for him and never sees him.

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:40

Sorry that should read 3/14 nights. I’ll have the children with me the rest of the time

OP posts:
inkydinky · 20/09/2019 11:41

If you earn the same but you are financing all aspects of your DCs life then you personally will be less well off than him. Why would you accept this? Even if you don’t need the money for day to day expenses your DC would benefit. You could choose not to spend it. £600 into a university fund / long term house deposit / pension would benefit your DC enormously in the future. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t want to do this on their behalf. My ex contributes £400 for two DC. I need it to live but if I didn’t I’d certainly save it for them.

My ex is “difficult” too but this the amount he is required to pay. And I will not disadvantage my DC by not claiming it.

abigailsnan · 20/09/2019 11:41

Certainly not he should contribute towards them he is their dad and has responsibilities,can you not put the money in an account for them to use at a later date you never know when you should need it in the future.

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:52

We will need it to live but it is guaranteed and he will fight me tooth and nail financially . Perhaps if he doesn’t pat maintenance I can withhold the disability payments. I’m dreading this

OP posts:
Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:54

The monies come into my account from the government

OP posts:
Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:56

The children will cost 450 per week in total. That included absolutely everything
..share of mortgage/ bills/ food etc etc
. How much do I need to ask for . Again they will be with me 11/14 days and nights

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 20/09/2019 11:56

OP - can you explain a bit more please.

What do you mean by withholding the disability payments?

What money's come in to your account from the government? DLA? Is he asking for a share of the DLA?

TheMustressMhor · 20/09/2019 11:59

Have a look at this website for more information:

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

TheMustressMhor · 20/09/2019 12:00

Are you/were you married?

This makes a difference.

katmarie · 20/09/2019 12:01

Do you mean hes expecting you to pay over to him half the benefits you receive for your children?

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 12:02

He wants us to halve the dla. We are married . What do I get from him when the kids are with me for the majority of the time ? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 12:03

Yes he is e pecting
Me to pay half the
Benefits to him

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 20/09/2019 12:04

He has no rights to any disability payments or child tax credit etc child is with you most often and you claim for the child

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 12:04

I mean that if he doesn’t pay maintenance which he may be flaky on , I won’t have to pay over half the dla to
Him

OP posts:
baldpate · 20/09/2019 12:05

Don’t halve the dla if the children are with you most of the time it’s yours to provide for their additional needs and he needs to pay maintenance.

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 12:05

Ok thanks for clarifying . Thought all allowances were for both parents . Should it be included in the settlement then?

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 20/09/2019 12:05

Can you convince him to have one or more of the children more in lieu of money?

If not then I'm afraid you are being selfish letting him pay less as the money is for the children's needs not your own. Lots of parents (and yes I mean parents) seem unable to separate their own needs from their children.

Any other money is separate from this. This is why after a year either parent can go to the CMS.

And no you shouldn't be handing over the DLA if you buy and support your disabled son if he only has him 6 nights a month.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/09/2019 12:07

Have you had legal advice about handing over part of the disability payments? I certainly wouldn't do that unless I had to, and even then it wouldn't be half, because he doesn't have them for half the time.

I think you need to disengage and hand the whole thing over to CMS, who can pursue him on your behalf and arrange payroll deductions. Refuse to argue about it, or negotiate with him. Keep it all official and don't let this become a way for him to abuse you.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/09/2019 12:07

I dont pay my ex husband half our sons dla it's for his son (who he hardly sees but that's besides the point)

CrazyAllAroundMe · 20/09/2019 12:07

I'm confused sorry, but assuming you mean you receive some level of dla for the SEN child/child benefit and poss some tax credits or similar and he wants half of that for his 6/28days care of them? And to pay no maintenance?
The answer is no don't let him off maintenance (he'll have his amount reduced slightly to acknowledge the time they will be with him) and no as you'll be primary carer don't give him the money that's to feed, clothe and house them from the government that will be claimed in your sole name not his. If he wants to fight let him - he'll have to pay 20% in fees more for CMS to manage it then rather than to be agreeable.
Try not to let him bring you down, I know this is all very difficult and it sounds very raw/new too. Sending a hug x

bluebeck · 20/09/2019 12:08

This doesn't make sense.

One of your DC is entitled to DLA? The parent with primary care would normally receive this.

The child maintenance is for your DC, not for you. You have no moral right to fail to claim it from him. So he gets annoyed? So what? Are you afraid of him?

Just let the solicitors deal with it as part of divorce, that's what you pay them for. Don't discuss any of it with him directly. What does your solicitor say?

Is DH employed or self employed? If employed then he will just have to pay. A friend of mine recently got an attachment of earnings order on her ex because he had been refusing to pay (so the money comes straight to her and is deducted from his pay before he gets it)

Don't let him bully you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2019 12:11

He can’t expect you to give him this money. He isn’t entitled to it. Only you know how feasible it is for him to properly look after your dcs with the money he has either with / without the maintenance he has to give you. I imagine you buy all of the clothes, shoes etc for your children.

You are entitled to the money. What would he use the maintenance payments for if he didn’t give them to you?

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