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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let him off with paying child maintenance

79 replies

Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:32

In lieu of the 600 per month that I receive for my children, particularly my child with mild sen . I am fully permanent and pensionable in my full time job also and we earn the same. He will be difficult with money side of things . Thanks

OP posts:
x2boys · 20/09/2019 12:12

The DLA is for the child , you I assume are the nominated person , so receive the money if he is only having the children 3/14 nights I supposed you wished you could give him a percentage of the DLA certainly not half ,but he should still be paying maintenance

Cath2907 · 20/09/2019 12:12

Get some legal advice. The DLA is for the nerds of your kid. The person looking after the kid gets the money and spends it on the kid. You don’t split it with your ex!!! It is not income it is money to pay for things your kid needs! If you split custody 50:50 then possibly you would share this money. Get a solicitor to give you advice on a financial split. Apply for child maintenance. He should pay for his children’s upbringing!

CrazyAllAroundMe · 20/09/2019 12:12

Sorry slow to type here the thread was clarified and way ahead of me before I posted Blush still same as others no to giving him dla and yes to claiming maintenance x

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2019 12:12

I don’t see why he would have any of the dla. Can you suggest to him that you just go through cms?
If you earn the same but you are caring for the children 11 nights out of 14 then you need the extra funding. Why would he struggle? Your Income + dla + maintenance minus costs of children doesn’t sound any easier than his income minus maintenance paid minus cost of children 3 days so no major costs and free to work as he wants 11 days a fortnight

x2boys · 20/09/2019 12:13

I suppose if you wished*

maryberryslayers · 20/09/2019 12:16

You keep 100% of the DLA and all benefits given to you. You are a single parent and are assessed as such by the government. He can make his own claim if he feels he is entitled anything.
Then he pays child maintenance according to his wages and overnight stays.
The two are not linked.

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 12:17

I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at cola but I don’t want any money for myself here. This is for my kids entirely. I am independent on my own right but he is tight-fisted and is angry with me as he thought he was calling my bluff looking for a separation but I actually, to his great shock and surprise completely agreed. It is not outside of any possibility that he will pay me the least amount possible citing his own housing needs and the fact that I won’t use my minuscule inheritance to buy s second home with him for him to live in as it will be cheaper than renting

OP posts:
greyspottedgoose · 20/09/2019 12:21

His housing needs and your inheritance are irrelevant, you keep the benefits you claim for your child. He pays maintenance which is a percentage of his wage, you could earn double what he does, it doesn't matter he needs to support his kids

Chloemol · 20/09/2019 12:21

You need to go and see a solicitor and get advice. If you have the children the majority of the time you should keep any benefits, and if he plays nasty then go to cms and get it sorted that way so he is laying the correct amount for HIS children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2019 12:23

Just go through the CMS and keep the benefits as you’re the resident parent doing the big bulk of care. He can’t make you hand anything over to him and the CMS can take the child maintenance from his pay if he won’t pay willingly himself.

TheMustressMhor · 20/09/2019 12:23

Definitely get your solicitor to sort this out, OP.

It doesn't sound like your husband is being reasonable at all. It would be better to let someone in authority work this out. I wouldn't enter into discussions with him at all.

TheOrigBrave · 20/09/2019 12:35

Keep the benefits that are paid to you, stop trying to negotiate with him and just go through CMS (which will be a tortuous experience, but possibly less so than dealing with your ex).

It makes me sick when parents use the children as pawns in a separation.

Durgasarrow · 20/09/2019 12:44

Do not buy a second home with him. Get a good lawyer. It is not his choice alone about how much he pays you. That money is for your kids.

Haffiana · 20/09/2019 12:45

To actually answer your question - no, legally you do not need to give him half of the DLA. It is for your CHILD, not for him or you. It is not any part of your settlement because it is for the CHILD.

You are the main carer therefore it is paid TO YOU in order for you to spend it on what your child needs.

He still needs to pay CM. This is also for his children, not for you. His housing circumstances have nothing to do with him supporting his children. If he is at all difficult you can simply go to CMS and they will take the money from his wages.

peachgreen · 20/09/2019 12:46

The DLA is for your child's additional needs. As the primary carer, you will take responsibility for ensuring those are met. I suppose he could insist that you pay for anything extra your son might need due to his additional needs while he's with his father (struggling to think of many examples but maybe a taxi instead of public transport, or any necessary amendments to the home like grab rails etc) but otherwise there is absolutely no way he's entitled to it.

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 12:47

So because my
Child who has sen is with me the majority of the time, there will be no problem either the allowances and grants or tax credits . I need that for therapies and extra curricular activities aswell as equipment suitable to needs .he will go absolutely nuts . I don’t think he thought this through at all . His argument is that his house will cost the same as mine to service and run so it should all be fair and equally split .

OP posts:
OpenYourEyes · 20/09/2019 12:48

The benefits that are paid to you are for you to spend on additional costs of your childs disability. You do not have to give him any of it regardless if he pays maintenance or not.

Maintenance is separate and he should be paying that.

paap1975 · 20/09/2019 12:50

He is trying to screw you over. As others have suggested, leave it to the solicitors. It's not your decision anyway. Claim everything you're entitled to.

bluebeck · 20/09/2019 12:50

OP have you seen a solicitor?

HeavenlyEyes · 20/09/2019 12:54

do not give him any of the DLA and get CSA to claim the legal amount of maintenance?

He can argue all he likes - doesn't mean he is right.

Lifeisabeach09 · 20/09/2019 12:55

Agree with PPs.

DLA goes to the carer who has primary responsibility for children with SEN--that's you as you have them the majority of the time. Same for tax credits. DO NOT SPLIT.

You are also entitled to claim CMS--have a look at the CMS calculator.

You need a solicitor as you will need to split marital assets (house, inheritance). You may be able to stay in the house (if jointly owned) if ex or court agrees.

TherapistInATabard · 20/09/2019 12:56

You really need to get proper legal advice NOW!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/09/2019 12:57

The DLA is for your child. The maintainence is for your child. Please don't deprive your child in order to placate an angry man.

HollowTalk · 20/09/2019 12:57

Don't give him a penny of the DLA but if he was to take your DC to a club or event during his time with them, I think that you should pay for it. The DLA isn't to pay for his home or bills.

I would just leave it to the CSA to deal with it.

PEkithelp · 20/09/2019 12:57

I’m pretty sure if there was any division of DLA etc it would be in the ratio of who they live with most, but they may just decide who the main carer was an pay to them. Certainly can’t see how it could justifiably be spilt 50:50 in your circumstance.