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Original poster

To let him off with paying child maintenance

79 replies

Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 11:32

In lieu of the 600 per month that I receive for my children, particularly my child with mild sen . I am fully permanent and pensionable in my full time job also and we earn the same. He will be difficult with money side of things . Thanks

OP posts:
ohdearmymistake · 20/09/2019 12:57

His argument is that his house will cost the same as mine to service and run so it should all be fair and equally split

Well he's an idiot then isn't he, that is not what the money is for, it's solely for the child's benefit.
As the child will be with you for 11 days out of 14 then no way will he be getting any of it.

pumkinspicetime · 20/09/2019 13:05

Your soon to be ex is being a numpty and is in for a disappointment.
Go and see a lawyer ASAP.
Do not give this money to him.

MadeForThis · 20/09/2019 13:08

He has no legal claim to the dla. He has to pay maintenance. Put in a csa claim now. Don't deal with him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2019 13:11

This is money for your children. Would he be using any of the money you’re entitled to to pay for therapies and equipment to use during his contact time with your dcs? I imagine not. As others have said, just go through the cms.

MerryBerryCheesecake · 20/09/2019 13:14

He is not entitled to the DLA, that is claimed by the resident parent to pay for the childs needs. It is not a marital asset for him to lay claim to.

You have no responsibility to provide him with a second home in which to live because he doesn't like renting whether you pay for it with inheritance or by any other financial means.

He is EQUALLY financially responsible for those children but is attempting to blackmail you into accepting zero maintenance by threatening to take half the DLA. It's an empty threat based on how few days he has them but he is trying to use it as leverage because he is a selfish tight fisted bastard.

He is a financially abusive and controlling piece of shit and a terrible fucking father, more interested in himself than his child with disabilities.

I can imagine that maybe he was using the threat of separation to try to get you do what he wanted and to keep your mouth shut. You stood up to him by calling his bluff when he did. You need to carry on with what you started there and stay strong against his bullshit.

Get angry and stay angry.

Don't believe a word that comes out of his self serving mouth because he is attempting to manipulate you into letting him walk off with your money and your children's state provided money as his best outcome or free of financial burden as his worst.

For the love of all that is holy, get some good legal advice or at least contact the benefits people.

Lulualla · 20/09/2019 13:19

@Pillowtalkedout

I’m really worried that you’re going to end up screwed over here and that you will hand over money which is rightfully yours so this is how it works.

  1. The resident parent is the parent the children live with the most. That is you.
  2. The resident parents is entitled to all the benefits associated with the chIldren. You need to update all your claims with your current info, so you will now be claiming as a single parent. They will calculate your benefits based on that; the benefits are solely yours. Your ex husband doesn’t get any. Do not give him any.
  3. Because the children live with you, he needs to pay maintenance. It doesn’t matter that you get benefits and he doesn’t. That is separate. He needs to pay you maintenance. Do not speak to him about it. Call the child maintenance service today and tell them you want to open a case against your ex. They will sort it out; they calculate what he needs to pay and they will collect it from him if he refuses. It will take a while to set up but just let them deal with it.

Bottom line is that you get all the benefits and he needs to pay you maintenance. Don’t engage with him about it. Just make your benefits claims and open a case with the child maintenance service. If he threatens or harasses you then you call the police.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/09/2019 13:22

Don’t let him blackmail you. Keep the benefits for your child 100%, and go through the CMS for child maintenance. He sounds like he’ll be difficult, let them frail with his shenanigans

intermittentfasting · 20/09/2019 13:23

DLA is for the child, the child lives with you. He's not entitled to any of it, he only has them once or twice a week by the looks of it.

Have a look at a child maintenance calculator on line to figure out what he should be paying. If you think he'll be flaky on paying then claim through CMS.

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 13:23

Thanks everybody. I just hate the arguing about money and adding stress to the children lives . I want him fine now. He is stalling on everything and I’m absolutely wrecked and drained

OP posts:
intermittentfasting · 20/09/2019 13:27

Can you appoint a solicitor and ask him to direct anything through them and that you won't engage with him unless it's an emergency to do with the children?

You don't have to speak to him or argue with him. He can't make you.

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/09/2019 13:36

Appoint a solicitor because unfortunately it is illegal to appoint a hitman which would be far more appropriate.

PookieDo · 20/09/2019 13:38

Stick to your guns of saying NO

3 nights out of 14 is around 20%, so it is insane to give him half of something that is meant for your child, not for the adults

there may be some negotiation that yes you pay for extra curricular clubs and therapies from the DLA that you would pay regardless of whose house they were at that day

Look at it this way, he is asking you to take 80% of the responsibility while he takes 20%, but expects to have the finances split 50/50 for it at the same time. Just no. He is ripping you off

The CMS will reduce his payment accordingly against the nights he has the DC, and what he pays in maintenance will be a % of his salary

It is not true he will be worse off than you financially due to paying CMS.
CMS is not 50% of his salary it is much less than that
He gets to keep 75% of his total salary. He has DC 3 nights out of 14 - he doesn’t need to have an identical home he will he living in it alone 80% of the time. You are being asked to allow him to keep 100% of his salary AND pay him on top!

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 13:44

Really good points thanks . He seems disinterested in leaving his creature comforts and the high standards of living that he’s become accustomed to . The house he will be in is massive with massive bills whereas I by choice will be in a smaller one to keep overheads down and not have to eeeeek our an existence due to his midlife bullshit he has got going on .he really is a useless fucker

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 20/09/2019 13:47

The DLA is for you the resident parent not someone who has them 6 days a month, it’s not his it’s your child’s. He still has to pay maintenance, contact CMS. Absolute cheek he has.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/09/2019 13:58

Its not your money to make that decision. It belongs to your children. Dont you dare let him off!

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 20/09/2019 14:01

My view is not quite the same as everyone on here.

  1. Yes, he absolutely should be paying maintenance. No question about that - go to the CMS, and put a claim in. You both have a responsibility to provide for your shared child, and he can't opt out of playing his part in that.
  1. No, you should not agree to hand over half the DLA. As the primary carer, that money should be paid to you, and - logically - half the additional costs of meeting your son's needs are not going to fall on his dad, when he only has him for a minority of the time.
  1. However, where I disagree with other people is that I think you do need to be flexible about how the DLA is spent. The DLA is paid for the child's benefit. And that child still has additional needs on the 3/14 days that he is with his father - they don't just stop. There may be additional costs associated with those needs on the days he is with his father - I don't know what those costs would be, because I don't know what your son's additional needs are, but they could include equipment, transport, carers, or activities. But you absolutely should be open to using some of the DLA to help meet those costs. Others have suggeted that you should sinply keep all that DLA - I don't agree with PPs that it would be in the child's best interests to simply say "well, the money is paid to me, so you can't use any of it to help our son". The two of you will need to talk about what your son's needs are, what any costs might be, and work together to use the DLA in a way that best supports your son - wherever those costs might fall.
Zaphodsotherhead · 20/09/2019 14:05

Why would you have 50/50 split - your circumstances won't be 'exactly the same' - you're going to have the kids most of the time!

Original poster
Pillowtalkedout · 20/09/2019 14:08

This is brand new for me . I’m still in a fog

OP posts:
lyralalala · 20/09/2019 14:14

The house he will be in is massive with massive bills whereas I by choice will be in a smaller one to keep overheads down

If he chooses a massive house with massive bills then that’s his lookout.

Money comes in. Kids get paid for. Parent uses what’s left for everything else. That’s how it work.

Unless he has very specific costs relating to your child on the days he has him then do not hand over any of the DLA. If there are specific costs then at most you’d be handing over a proportional amount of it - which would not be half.

Please get very decent legal advice as this is clearly a man who won’t play fair with you

SandyY2K · 20/09/2019 14:20

So he wants half the DLA for his housing needs, not specifically for your child's additional needs?

That's a no. That money is not for housing.

smartiecake · 20/09/2019 14:20

Any DLA you receive is your childs money. Its to be spent on them. For extra clothes, shoes, toys, equipment, activities. It is their money. So he can't expect to see a penny of it.
Go through the CMS for the maintenance. They can be slow but if he has a salary and an employer he will have to pay. If he chooses not to pay you and it is deducted from salary he will also have to pay CMS a percentage of his salary in addition to the maintenance.
My sisters ex soon paid her when he realised if it went through CMS he would be charged 80 quid a month as well.

WellButterMyArse · 20/09/2019 14:23

The DLA is not a marital asset.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/09/2019 14:34

Does your child require any special adaptations or equipment in order to stay at your ex's house? That's the only time I can see a valid case for any of the money being used towards anything to do with his new house. Even then, I'm not sure- if you had funded those things yourself for your own house, then he should be expected to do the same. If the costs had been split for the work at your house (if any), then that's different.

PookieDo · 20/09/2019 16:02

No one disagrees the spending of the DLA won’t happen in dads care, just that it cannot be split with dad into dads bank account

The child will still benefit from it at his house

Queenofthestress · 20/09/2019 16:44

Just so you know, the dla payments aren't yours to half, it's made very clear that you are claiming on behalf of the child, not for yourself. Tell him to jog on you can't half it anyway.

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