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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to be 'on call' for my elderly mum...

63 replies

GodzillasBumcheek · 07/08/2007 20:47

To, as my sister phrased it "get things tidied off the floor for her".

This is how it is; mum is 70 and quite frail and has Alzheimer's
Sister has taken upon herself to play role as carer, although she doesn't live with mum, but has own grown up family including one person she is already classed as full-time carer for. She also is registered disabled herself and can't get down to floor easily. She hurts herself if she does.
I myself am looking after two 10year olds and a 7month old.

So if something gets spilled on the floor am i expected to stop whatever i am doing, pack baby into pushchair, and traipse down the road (10 mins walking) to clean it up, then go back home. And in that case, what do i do if i'm at the shops, in which case, yes, theoretically i could pop in on my way home and do it, even though all my trips out are timed in between feeds and it would put our routine out of whack.

Well? I guess it wouldn't bother me if i didn't have baby to look after, but since i do...am i really being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Kbear · 07/08/2007 20:49

routine versus helping your mum? help your mum obv.

Kbear · 07/08/2007 20:49

even if your sister irritates you, do it for your mum.

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 07/08/2007 20:50

help your mum.

GoingThroughChanges · 07/08/2007 20:50

She's your mother. YABU.

I look after my dh's grandmother. She's in the early stages of alzheimers I am the only one with enough of a conscience to want to help out a once very proud lady.

I'm sure if you're at the shops it will still be there, waiting to be cleaned up when you exit the shops again.

But if you really don't want to do it then don't. I'd rather someone just said "no" than said "yes" begrudgingly.

fairyjay · 07/08/2007 20:52

I suppose it depends on the frequency of the calls - but I bet your mum dropped everything for you when you needed help!

Not having a go - I know what it's like to be a parent and kid sandwich - but you'll probably regret it in time if you don't do what you can to help.

Original poster
GodzillasBumcheek · 07/08/2007 20:52

I know it sounds that way, but the knock-on effects of losing the routine are that we don't get a proper nights sleep, and then the next day is shlite.

OP posts:
nell12 · 07/08/2007 20:52

YABU
When my Ma was ill (ds was 3 at the time) I drove from Somerset to E Sussex 2-3 times a week to pick stuffoff the floor for her. It was never an issue.

Original poster
GodzillasBumcheek · 07/08/2007 20:53

No. My mum has never helped me except finacially, twice, ever.

OP posts:
meandmyflyingmachine · 07/08/2007 20:54

So who should do it?

CaptainUnderpants · 07/08/2007 20:56

Its the least you can do for your mother FFS. Probaly not the best person to ask for advice as I lost my Mum just over two weeks ago .

You only have one Mother , unfortuntely when parents get older tables are turned and we have to sometimes look after them or help out.

God I wish I could have lived down the road from my Mum and not 200 miles away. !

Desiderata · 07/08/2007 20:56

If this is about your mother being crap, than just admit it to yourself. Don't help her out. I suspect that you'll ultimately feel like crap yourself, but life is never black and white.

I'm sure you have your reasons.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 07/08/2007 20:56

you sound quite pissed off about all this.
your sister 'has taken it upon herself' to be your mum's carer?
if she didn't do this who would look after your mum?

on first read i think yabu but it sounds like there is more to this.

foxinsocks · 07/08/2007 20:57

you could get your sister a mop?

also, you get these things (cannot remember what they are called - had an occupational therapist friend who was telling me how great they were) - they look like a robotic arm with a claw and they are for picking stuff up off the floor (or anywhere) if you can't stretch or reach

but I reckon if you are 10 minutes round the corner, you're going to have to get used to being called on. Don't stress too much about the routine - babies will fit in around things.

Original poster
GodzillasBumcheek · 07/08/2007 20:57

I don't know....that's my problem...i'm damned if i do, and i'm damned if i don't! I guess i don't mind if she doesn't mind waiting for it! I can't just go "oh, i'm in the middle of feeding the baby, i need to pick dtds up from school, but they can wait", can i?

OP posts:
nell12 · 07/08/2007 20:57

So be the bigger and better person

If your Mum never helped you, how did you feel? Do you want her to feel the same way?

Show her how it should be done by helping her. She will not be round for ever.

Flibbertyjibbet · 07/08/2007 20:57

So, your sister is registered disabled, full time carer for someone else, carer for your mum and you can't pop round to help out when they live 10 mins walk away?

Your routine would be out of whack..

Just build into your routine a trip round there once a day in the afternoon and help with whatever needs helping with at that time. Your sister should not have had to ask.

YAB V V V U

noonar · 07/08/2007 20:57

godz, my mum is a full time carer for her 96 yo aunt. no one can criticise you until they know what impact this can have on your life. are you worried that this may be a slippery slope, and that you may be unable to cope with future demands?

Tortington · 07/08/2007 20:58

sounds like your mum needs some professional care.

i dont think your being unreasonable as it happens. but i think perhaps you should take it upon yourself to reslve the situation.

you havea nuclear family - they come first.

phone social services and ask what kind of help she is entitled to - she may be entitled to a home help

or get together with sister - pay £10 pw each get a cleaner in twice a week

GoingThroughChanges · 07/08/2007 20:58

Jesus... listen to yourself.

You sound like my fucking MIL. And that's why I am doing it.. with a full time job, a part time course, a husband, a new house & 2 small children... at least my conscience will be eased when dh's beloved grandmother finally passes away....

You know what... your mother walked the floor with you night after night when you were a baby, she changed your nappies, she sung you to sleep....

You should have spent the day today doing what I was doing... then you would have something to moan about! ffs, your sister isn't even asking you to clean, or wash your mother, or even to cook for her, she is asking you to pick stuff off the floor because she is unable to reach it herself.

foxinsocks · 07/08/2007 20:59

yes, custy is right

you may find they are eligible for some home help (cleaners etc.)

definitely worth checking that out - often these things are not made clear to you unless you ask for them

meandmyflyingmachine · 07/08/2007 21:00

I agree with Custy. I can understand why you don't want to do it, but your mum has Alzheimers and needs someone to sort things out for her. That is your responsibility I think.

unknownrebelbang · 07/08/2007 21:01

Genuine question, who should pick up/clean up for your mum?

GoingThroughChanges · 07/08/2007 21:05

I apologise for going off on one in my previous post. I have just spent the day caring for dh's grandmother who didn't remember my name, or when I last visited

she didn't remember that the dog was sick in the night & I had to clean that. She put her pants in the machine with pads on them.....

I'm sorry, I took my hard day out on you.

noonar · 07/08/2007 21:05

GODZ, please dont be upset by any of the posts on here. its easy to criticise . not so easy to be on call 24 hrs a day. get some advice, as custy says and some professional help. good luck.

Original poster
GodzillasBumcheek · 07/08/2007 21:05

CaptainU...i really do sympathize with you. Yes, she is the only mother i've got, and i feel like i have lost her already to Alzheimer's.

She thought it was Thursday for three days in a row this week, and has long forgotten how to spell my name. And when i take lo round she is dangerous around her.

Thing is, it doesn't matter how many times people say 'baby will fit around things'. She will not. She is a high needs baby and my life fits around her. I just don't see how i can look after her needs and my mother's, and also my other two dds.

OP posts: