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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to be 'on call' for my elderly mum...

63 replies

GodzillasBumcheek · 07/08/2007 20:47

To, as my sister phrased it "get things tidied off the floor for her".

This is how it is; mum is 70 and quite frail and has Alzheimer's
Sister has taken upon herself to play role as carer, although she doesn't live with mum, but has own grown up family including one person she is already classed as full-time carer for. She also is registered disabled herself and can't get down to floor easily. She hurts herself if she does.
I myself am looking after two 10year olds and a 7month old.

So if something gets spilled on the floor am i expected to stop whatever i am doing, pack baby into pushchair, and traipse down the road (10 mins walking) to clean it up, then go back home. And in that case, what do i do if i'm at the shops, in which case, yes, theoretically i could pop in on my way home and do it, even though all my trips out are timed in between feeds and it would put our routine out of whack.

Well? I guess it wouldn't bother me if i didn't have baby to look after, but since i do...am i really being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
GodzillasBumcheek · 07/08/2007 21:08

And fyi Flibbertyjibbet, the person she is full-time carer for is diabetic, and that is all. And i really appreciate everything my sister does, i just think my mum needs full-time care, which neither of us can give.

OP posts:
CaptainUnderpants · 07/08/2007 21:09

As Custy has said you need to get professional advice , my Mum was in a nursing home for the lsat 5 yrs of her life as Dad couldn't look after her.

You need to help out in osme way ,w ehther it be getting the right help for your Mum or helping out yourself , otherwise when it is too late you may regret it.

rantinghousewife · 07/08/2007 21:11

I personally don't think YABU, just because your mother brought you up does not mean you owe a debt of servitude to her. My own MIL took care of her mum until she reached breaking point and had to put her in a home for her own sanity. Personally when I get old, I don't expect my dcs to put their whole life on hold to take care of me just because I gave birth to them. I think it is a personal choice and with alzheimers things will only get worse, not better and you are probably right to assume that will require more care.

potoroo · 07/08/2007 21:20

GB - I too have seen the devastating effects of alzheimers. TBH I would not be concerned about her dropping things on the floor - more about serious things (leaving stove on, wandering off, getting in/out of bath).

I think you and your sister probably need to look at getting some professional help with this as custy said.

Flibbertyjibbet · 07/08/2007 21:26

You did not say that in your op. You said that she is already classed as a full time carer for someone. You asked for my opinion and I gave my opinion based on the information in the op!
I still think you could fit a trip to your mothers in to your daily routine after contacting social services.
Fwiw I am my elderly parents' only child still in this country (the other 3 are all abroad), and when they need care there is only me. If I had a sister handy I would certainly expect her to help out. I work full time, have 2yo and 1 yo, so its not like I am a lady of leisure sounding off on something I know nothing about.

nightowl · 07/08/2007 21:33

its your mum. its 10 minutes walk. im sure you put your mum's routine out of whack sometimes when you were a baby. yes...i would go and pick up something from the floor.

my mum is a bitch to me most of the time but i would still do it for her.

expressmummy · 07/08/2007 21:36

we lost our nan to alzheimers 3 yrs ago and its a horrible degrading diesease my mom couldnt go and even visit her as it mortified to see her mother so frail and confussed I offered to me my nans full time carer and no body in the family would let me and now seeing the way she was i am thankfull they refused.
Dont beat yourself up over this talk to your sister and get help yes she is your mom and you owe her your life but she would not want you to give up your life to wipe up after her my nan was a very proud person and it killed her to have her other daughter wipe her clean im sure if you talk as a family you will come up with the help you need good luck and all the best x x x

wheresthehamster · 07/08/2007 21:43

Why can't your 10 year olds go?

aloha · 07/08/2007 21:43

I think the posts here are shockingly harsh and cruel. Alzheimers is a terrible, terrible terminal illness. Your mother needs proper care. She is not just a normal frail old lady, she is ill, in a peculiarly distressing high-need way, and you have three young children. Your mother is asking you because she is ill and probably scared, but with three children and one a baby, it is a nightmare, I'm sure. My SIL had to take a lot of responsibility for my MIL because we live hundreds of miles away, and even though her children are grown up, I know they found it a terrible strain. FWIW my MIL is much happier in a home, even though it was a horrible decision to apply for a place. She is no longer scared all the time.

SadieB · 07/08/2007 21:43

My Mum gave up her Nursing degree to care for my Grandma when she had a brain haemmhorage, at 40 years old she has only just passed her degree having started all over again.
At 60 my Grandad had to take over caring for my Great Grandma, his mother-in-law, only stopping in January this year (he is now 71)
My Grandma, before she died, cooked, cleaned and did everything for my Great Grandma, even when she was capable of doing it herself.
I sympathise with your situation, as I was dragged into all of this from the age of 11, especially when the person being cared for does not deserve it (I speak of my Great-Grandma, god rest her soul, who was quite a nasty piece of work), but who we all still did things for when we could.

If you are being made to feel guitly about not helping, then speak to whoever is making you feel like this!

On the other hand, would it be too much to fit you Mum into your schedule when your boys are back in school? Alzheimers or not Im sure that she would love to see her Grand Child?

magnolia1 · 07/08/2007 21:54

But thats the point she is saying she has a problem with fitting anything into her routine. Its the fact that she is needed to be on call 24/7 and not being able to actually do anything in case she is needed at her mothers.

Godz, do not beat yourself up over this, yes she is your mum, yes you need to be there for her as much as you can but no you do not have to be on call 24/7. Professional care is really needed, speak to your mothers gp and try to sort out as much help as possible. Get in contact with Social services, Age Concern, www.alzheimers.org.uk.

magnolia1 · 07/08/2007 21:55

Sorry that should read, she is not saying she can't fit her into her schedule!!

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 07/08/2007 21:57

no she is saying she can't fit it into her routine. that is exactly what she is saying. she has her baby in a strict routine and doesn't want to put it out.

i agree that more help is needed but she is her mother fgs! She lives 10 mins away! why can't a daily trip be worked into the routine?

madmumof5 · 07/08/2007 21:59

hi dont want to sound funny but my mum passed away in febuary after she lost her battle to cancer and i would do anythin to look after her now i miss her so much and she was only 51

i lost my dad in sept 04 he had a brain tumor and lost his memory basically i helped care for him and maoned like mad at the time as i had 3 dc aged 5,3 and under 1 and i was also pregnant and just wanted time for me but now i wish i could go back and look after him he was only 48

do what your heart says but please see it as time with your mum

good luck

magnolia1 · 07/08/2007 22:00

But it's not a daily trip she is talking about! Its being phoned every time she is needed to pick something up. That could be 5-10 times a day. Thats not fitting into a routine thats a routine in itself.

foxinsocks · 07/08/2007 22:02

yes, adult social services

also, if you feel your sister is not capable of being her full time carer, I think you need to have a conversation with her along those lines - because with her volunteering to do that, it's potentially a get out clause for the council/social services so if she can't meet your mum's needs, you need to make that clear when it comes to your mum being assessed for whatever help she is due

SadieBez · 07/08/2007 22:07

I was trying to say that she should have a conversation with those that are asking extra of her! But yes, proper care is needed, my GG had 3 visits a day. I should speak to Age Concern before SS though!! (I have changed name due to accidentally deleting my user! > previously SadieB )

SadieBez · 07/08/2007 22:08

You can apply for Incapacity Benefit as well, which would help towards any costs for care if its not free?
I still think a daily 15-30 minute visit would be ok though? Or even every 2 days?

Howdydoody · 07/08/2007 22:16

Dont want to sound nosey but who gets the carer's allowance for your mum? If your sis does then it's more down to her than you. You of course will want to visit when you can -3/4 times a week?- but it's up to her to sort it out if she is her paid carer.

Routines are important for children so i understand about your dd, but so is seeing their grandparents. I have 2 toddlers - one is disabled (plus older children) i work part time and visit my parents once/twice a week. They are 25 miles away.
It's all do-able if you want to do it Godz. Hope you can work it out.

quint · 07/08/2007 22:17

I have to say that my initial reaction was that you were being unreasonable, however having thought about it I think that you are in a very difficult position.

Its all very well for people to say stuff the routine, however that is how things work best for you and if you are happy then your children will be happy and life will be easier (the same way that if sticking to a routine is not your way, you wouldn;t be happy and neither would you r children 0 you know what I mean!), so I feel that you shoudl stick to your routine but get to your mums as soon as you are able to.

The other thing that someone said was that soemtimes you will not physically be able to ge there as you will be in the middle of feeding the baby or due to pick a child up from school - you can;t be in two places at once.

I really feel for you as it must be terrible to see this happening to your mum and not be able to do anything about it. You really do need to look into getting some kind of help before you start resenting your mum and sister. I would also suggest having a chat with your sister about your feelings and just explain that of course you will be there to help and pick stuff up but you cannot drop everything all the time.

I hope you manage to get something sorted out.

aloha · 07/08/2007 22:22

I think you also need to think about how you feel about your mum being so ill. I expect there is some real grief in there too, even if she hasn't always been the best mother.

cat64 · 07/08/2007 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hertsnessex · 07/08/2007 22:55

i hope you never get alzheimers then GBC.

weirdbird · 07/08/2007 23:12

I think you are all being really really harsh, unless you have cared for someone with Alzheimers you really don't have a clue, its not just getting old, its not just having to do everything for them, its soooo much more, I had my grandfather come and live with us when I was 16 because he had Alzheimers, it had a terrible effect on me and my family. He looked liked my grandfather and that was it, he was violent and rude and swore. It changed his very personality he had no recollection of me or the rest of the family. I try very hard to NOT remember the kind and gentle man who had time for everyone like he was then.

Alzheimers completely robs you of a person before your eyes, I would never expose a child unless I couldnt avoid it, to someone who was like this because it is Very scary (this is from my own experience as a child).

YANBU - You can't wait all day for the phone to ring, be there as much as you can and try to arrange ongoing care, do what you can and don't feel guilty.

mears · 07/08/2007 23:48

GodzillasBumcheek - you have my sympathy, you really do.

I am the closest in proximity to my 90 yeart old Dad whohas Alzheimers so a lot lies with me. HOWEVER, we contacted social services and we have help to keep him at home and to support my mum. We tyried respite for a week and that was not the answer.

You need professional support and that should be available to you. Yes it is a streain but I look on it that my Dad was there for me when I needed him when I young. You have your own family commitment so you need support to help you to help your mum.

Find out what support you can all get in your area.

My Dad has a carer who comes in the morning to get him up, one at lunchtime to feed hime and help him to bed for an afternoon nap, and one at bedtime. he goes to daycare twice a week too. It is a lot to take on but there are agencies to help. HTH.