Not to want to be 'on call' for my elderly mum...

[GodzillasBumcheek]

To, as my sister phrased it "get things tidied off the floor for her".

This is how it is; mum is 70 and quite frail and has Alzheimer's
Sister has taken upon herself to play role as carer, although she doesn't live with mum, but has own grown up family including one person she is already classed as full-time carer for. She also is registered disabled herself and can't get down to floor easily. She hurts herself if she does.
I myself am looking after two 10year olds and a 7month old.

So if something gets spilled on the floor am i expected to stop whatever i am doing, pack baby into pushchair, and traipse down the road (10 mins walking) to clean it up, then go back home. And in that case, what do i do if i'm at the shops, in which case, yes, theoretically i could pop in on my way home and do it, even though all my trips out are timed in between feeds and it would put our routine out of whack.

Well? I guess it wouldn't bother me if i didn't have baby to look after, but since i do...am i really being unreasonable?

weirdbird, your post sums up the hell that is alzheimers so well. We lost my wonderful, loving, father to this awful disease. The last time i saw my dad he looked straight through me like i wasnt even there, not that he didnt recognise me. I saw him more after that but he was unconcious.

I think the OP needs to get some help soon, hopefully set her mum up with a CPN and push social services. I have to say that i could liken our local social services to a chocolate teapot but that would actually be being generous. I remember one weekend having to literally BEG SS to find some respite for my mother. Because it was the weekend they werent interested. My father had become violent and he couldnt possibly have been left alone with her, i was heavily pregnant and there was no one else to help. All they could say is, if he gets violent, phone the police. Great, poor bastard, let him spend the night in the cells as their resources don't stretch to getting off their on call arses at the weekend.

I do think that unless you ahve cared for someone with this condition then your opinions should be kept to yourselves. I feel terrible that i did very little for my father when he had this disease, i have no excuse, he was a wonderful kind and loving man. I just couldnt handle seeing him like that and i knew he would have not wanted me to. I visited him as often as i could bear and actually that was more than alot of the families in the homes. And it is for hte reason you highlight, the person they were, just isnt there anymore.

You have my sympathy OP, you really do. Do what you feel you can but the best thing you can do is get the ball rolling for getting some professional care for your mum and organising a care home. Please do not make the same mistake we did. We left it until we simply couldnt cope any more and ended up having to place my father in the first place that was offered. It was hell on earth, downright neglectful and we went through a mountain of heartache before it was sorted out and we found a suitable home for him, sad thing was, he was only there a few months before he died.

I think you are being pretty unreasonable, going by your op that is.

How often does your sister go to your mum's place to help out? And how often before you had your new baby did you help/visit your mum?

And most importantly have you asked what help is available from the relevant services?

I think YABslighlylyU. She is your mother, even if she "only" ever helped you out "twice, financially", she did so much for you.

Does it happen very often?

Also, it's not "just", or "only" diabetes. If your sister has to care full-time for someone with it, they must be in a very bad way. Are they blind, have they had legs amputated?

Sorry to say this, but I think you will have to suck this up, and help your mum, pain though it is for your routine.

I wanted to say too you do have my sympathies, and I hope you and your family can access the services it sounds like you desperately need.

Yes I do think YABU. our mum is old and suffering from Alzheimer's. She won't be around forever. You live 10 mins away - I dont think its to much to ask to help her out.

Yes I do think YABU. Your mum is old and suffering from Alzheimer's. She won't be around forever. You live 10 mins away - I dont think its to much to ask to help her out.

ive not cared for anyone with alzheimers so cant really comment but i do care for my 79 year old mil(who had a stroke).i was doing 12 hours aday with 3 children,youngest of which spent most day in travel cot as floor was constantly being cleaned from 'accidents'.dh did the other 12 hours at night.(you wouldnt have believed he was one of 6).the gp put us in touch with social services who brought round equipment to help her such as commode,bed rail,frame etc and arranged carers 3 times a day.i still go in most days and do things and once a week to sort tablets and cleaning.she tried a home and it didnt work for her.what im trying to say is social services can be very very helpful,without them dh and i would still be doing 24 hours a day,they help us if we have any questions,if something isnt right with care they are there for us.i think you need to discuss with your sister about extra help.

Thank you, those of you who posted helpful info. When she was assessed i think the people who came round said that she will get funding for someone to come round 'in the mornings', but i don't quite know when. I also think this will only be a short term solution as she really is getting worse rapidly.

I ought to add that i feel quite resentful towards my family as i had twins 10 years ago and not one person lifted a finger to help me even once, although mum was fit then, and sister had a car.

And Hertsnessex - i am likely to get Alzheimer's as not only does it run in our family (i have seen it 4 times before), i also have pcos which puts me at high likelyhood. I will make my children promise when they get older to put me in a home, rather than end up giving up their lives for me.

You have my sympathy too.

My grandmother lived with us for 15 years. For the last five years she would shit in her bed, wipe it all over the walls, throw herself out of bed, refuse to get in the bath, stagger down the hall naked, scream for my Mum over and over again at five in the morning. She threw herself downstairs, set fire to her TV, refused to stop smoking even after that! She would tell my Mum over and over again that she hated her, that she should never been born, that she was a 'mistake.'

All this time my Mum also had five kids to deal with, one very young. It nearly destroyed her marriage to my dad too. I had at least one very, very serious conversation with my Mum about putting a pillow over my Nan's head.

Eventually my Mum got help and my Nan went to a home. She didn't do it before because she felt too guilty.

I can completely sympathise that your Mum's demands are getting to be too much. Please see what help you can get before it gets to the stage it got to with my Nan. I really feel for you.

Provision for dementia is shit in this country - the Govt has just admitted it. You will have to fight but it's worth it, and please try not to feel guilty.

Thanks Krang. I know many people have had to do a hell of alot more.

I have just been round to see her between the first and second feed of the day. She is not that bad yet, but this morning i was there trying to play a game with her and my 10yr olds, and she doesn't seem able to grasp simple games and turn taking any more . She has never been very conversational, and when we do try to talk it consists of her continuously repeating her daily/weekly routine.

If anyone checks back that has previously posted i would like to point out to them...check the wording of the OP. I said 'am i unreasonable not to want to be on call. I didn't say i would never do it!
Dh is out of work and when he is available to look after dc i have no trouble nipping out for 30 mins to sort things out. There should come a time when i can be more relaxed about feeds with baby, but unfortunately that isn't happening yet. She needs a fair amount of quiet and no visitors in the room or she will not drink. If i am on my own with lo, there is nowhere i can put her at my mum's house safely either, and it takes ages to get ready to go out. There is no question of sending my 10year olds, as they have to cross a busy road (with no pelican/zebra crossing) to get there.

And it's not a question of sitting by the phone as i have only got a mobile. That's why i'd feel like i was permanently 'on call' IYSWIM?

Sorry all my posts are so long, but i keep snatching a few minutes here and there and then switching laptop off.

Oh, and Custardo, thanks for not taking my stupid comments on other threads personally!

My grandmother has dementia. My mother and uncle do not live near. In fact none of use does.
She has 3 care visits per day. One to get her up, washed and breakfasted. One for lunch. One for putting her to bed.
The care visits are done by an agency employed by the local authority. She gets a payment each month that is then paid to the authority for the care. So in effect my mother and uncle do not have to pay for the care visits, her house cannot be sold to fund the visits (her savings are less than the threshold to make her pay).

Do contact social services for more advice. Best of all, have a look at the Help the Aged website which should have lots of info for you.

Its hard to care for someone with this illness and im sure no-one will disagree with that.

However, i dont think its unreasonable for your sister to ask for a little help as she appears to be the main carer to both your mum and another family member despite being registered disabled herself. Especially as both you and your husband dont work.

Put the past issues behind you, the lack of financial help and care of the twins (although if your sister was a carer then as well its not unreasonable that she didnt help out) and see if you can come up with a care plan with your sister and the social services. Even if its just half and hour a day popping round to do the bits your sister cant manage.