To still be upset about wedding
Arc123 · 18/07/2019 21:12
We got married 6 weeks ago and I'm still really struggling with how drunk my husband got at the wedding. It's something we discussed before as although he doesn't do it often he has a habit of getting carried away and doing something to upset me so he agreed not to get really drunk and seemed fine with this. He also knows he upsets me when he's like that and we've had multiple times of him apologising but I don't feel he truly gets it as he can never remember what he actually did!
During the night a couple of times I said he shouldn't have any more but with everything going on I didn't see him much until it was time to leave and I then realised he'd clearly continued drinking. The taxi driving nearly refused to take him and he had to stick his head out the window for the whole journey. We then got to the hotel and he couldn't remember how to get to our room (he checked in earlier so I hadn't been). I had to struggle with millions of buttons on my dress whilst he passed out on the bed. What was worse was the way he looked at me when I said I needed him to help, realistically I know it was the effort of the dress that he was thinking of but the look of disgust on his face at helping me won't leave my mind. I know usually everyones too tired after the wedding for much to happen but I was really looking forward to us having a drink in the room and talking about our day especially as we hadn't seen each other much apart from photos.
I also tried to get him away from his friends to talkn to other people but he kept going back, it was also a struggle to get him to say bye to anyone. He also vanished for ages with his friends and missed lots of people leaving.
I've spoken to him but am really struggling to forgive. My worry is that if he can't stick to something which was important for me on our wedding how likely is he to do it another time? Don't think it's helped by the fact he didn't reply to my messages whilst he was on his stag which massively triggered my anxiety which only really went back to normal a couple of days before the wedding.
I spent my wedding night in tears on the sofa in our hotel room. I know he can't change anything but I'm struggling with this being the final memories of our wedding day. Everyone commented on how relaxed I was on the day which was cos I wasn't fussed about most of it (I'd have been just as happy with an evening party), the only thing that mattered to me was us spending the day together and I feel that for him the most important thing was getting drunk with his friends.
Sorry for the long post, I think part of my just needed to get this off my chest!
susan82 · 18/07/2019 21:46
I really feel for you. He acted selfishly in my opinion. He does sound immature, please forgive me if I am wrong. I can understand him wanting to enjoy the day and have a few drinks but sounds like he went over the top! I hope in time you can look back on your memories fondly of your wedding day. Have you told him how upset you were and what was his reaction?
Halo1234 · 18/07/2019 21:47
Aww I see why you are upset and struggling with still being annoyed. But I think it's all forgivable. Has he apologised? It was selfish and thoughtless but not deliberate. He was enjoying the wedding day and had one too many. If your day to day life is happy and he shows he cares for you I would let it go.....God knows I have accidentally had one (a few) too many when I shouldn't have. He wasnt doing it out of spite or to make u feel that he wasnt there for you. Its rubbish but if that's his only wrong doing love him anyway. Noone is perfect. He got drunk and let his hair down a bit too much. Dont let it spoil your only chance to be newly weds. That would be ashame. Forgive and move on.
NoSauce · 18/07/2019 21:54
No wonder you’re upset. He behaved selfishly. Try and draw a line under what happened but I hope for your sake he doesn’t pull any more stunts like that.
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/07/2019 21:56
He didn’t ‘accidentally’ drink, though, @Halo1234. He chose to have the first drink and every other one afterwards, even when his bride asked him to stop drinking.
I would be furious and devastated, and would find it very hard to get past this.
My dh was a problem drinker. Once he started, he found it hard to stop. He drank in secret. He could go without a drink for days, when he was on call or at work, but once he had a drink, he found it hard to stop at one, so I can empathise with both him and you, @Arc123 - I know how hard it is for the drinker and for the drinker’s nearest and dearest.
My dh reaches a point where he decided he couldn’t go on any more. He told me the extent of the problem (which I was unaware of), we rang AA and he talked to someone there and then, and went to his first meeting the next day.
He hasn’t had an alcoholic drink since - over 11 years ago. I think that was what was necessary. If someone has a drinking problem, even if it is intermittent, stopping is the best choice, in my opinion.
If he is really sorry, he will talk to you about this behaviour, what fuels it and drives it, and what steps he is prepared to take to ensure it never, ever happens again.
PeoniesarePink · 18/07/2019 22:01
Nothing less attractive than a man who doesn't know when he's had enough to drink.
Don't enable this behaviour from him ever again. If he's so drunk he needs to be dealt with like a toddler, walk away. Set your level of acceptable and stick to it for the sake of your sanity.
SuperheroBirds · 18/07/2019 22:29
You are not being unreasonable, he upset you on an important day. But, there is nothing he can do to change that now, so I think his attitude now is crucial, is he apologetic?
I’ve noticed that the bride and groom rarely get to spend much time together at their wedding, and the romantic wedding night is a bit of a myth. I was told that if the bride dances lots of other people will join in, and if the bride doesn’t dance the dance floor can often be empty. So, I danced for most of the night at our wedding, with friends and family. My husband doesn’t like dancing so joined me for a few but largely “worked the room” chatting to guests who couldn’t/wouldn’t dance. When we finally made it up to our room at midnight he was roasting in his full morning suit and I was in physical pain from the boning in my dress. He had a cold bath and I sat naked on the sofa eating wedding cake, as I hadn’t had the chance to eat any earlier! It wasn’t the stuff of romantic movies, but more than ten years on we are still happily married.
GetOffTheTableMabel · 18/07/2019 22:37
He let you down in numerous ways.
He didn’t stick to an undertaking, that you felt he’d made, not to drink heavily on the day.
He didn’t spend as much time with you as you wanted.
He didn’t circulate properly during the reception to make sure he had spoken to all your guests.
He embarrassed you by disappearing with his mates when people were leaving so that he didn’t say goodbye/thank you to guests.
He almost left you without transport to the hotel because he was so pissed.
He was incapable of chatting to you about the day.
He looked at you like you were being a pain in the arse wanting help to get out of your wedding dress. You were hoping for some compliments at least.
You say you’ve spoken to him but have you really told him how disregarded you felt by your husband on the first day of your marriage?
You feel sad, embarrassed and concerned about whether he is going to continue to out his needs and his mates’ needs above yours. I think you’re still dwelling on it because you don’t yet feel that he understands what he did and how it made you feel. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but, if you don’t tell him, he can’t know.
Jaxinthebox · 18/07/2019 22:44
well this is what happened to my friend when she got married. This lack of respect and general shitty behaviour led to them getting divorced 2 years later.
1frenchfoodie · 18/07/2019 22:47
I am sorry your wedding dindn’t live up to your expectations. My husband refused to dance (tbf I would never have forced him) and his wedding speech was ‘ladies and gentlemen, the food is ready’. But we know the wedding is just one day. If he recognises he let you down then try to move on. He was presumably happy, with friends, caught up in the moment not deliberately downing shots in some daft drinking game?
Durgasarrow · 18/07/2019 22:56
He looked disgusted at helping his bride get out of her wedding dress! Wrong wrong wrong on oh so many levels! That is the ultimate gift-unwrapping experience!!! If there is any moment that a gentleman should be overjoyed about and completely present for, it is that one! It COULD be that he was so enraptured by you and felt so unworthy of the gift of your love that he needed a few solid belts of liquor to steel himself to the lifetime task of worshiping at the Altar of You. But if that's not what it feels like, then he can take the next cablecar to hell. The local cablecar.
Erythronium · 18/07/2019 23:03
I thought weddings were supposed to be about the couple getting married, not getting pissed with mates.
Sounds very odd indeed. Do you have doubts that you've made the right choice marrying him?
Darkcloudsandsunnydays · 18/07/2019 23:06
Can you show him what you have posted here. He ruined your wedding day and you spent the evening in tears on the sofa.
His behaviour was totally dreadful.
MyKingdomForACaramel · 18/07/2019 23:20
It reallh depends...
For example my dh doesn’t drink that much (I drink more)
But on the night before the wedding he stayed out until the early hours with family who had come over from overseas and was possibly slightly hung over when we got married (luckily it was at 4pm).
He was also nervous about his speech to drank more than usual - but wasn’t obviously “drunk”
But come the end of the night (though one wedding was until 3am) he fell asleep, a kid of friends and family came back to the apartments I had hired and he was out fast asleep and had to get a friend get me out if my dress.
We laugh about it but more because it was out of character. If it was something there was already an issue around it would be different
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 18/07/2019 23:27
I know countless happy marriages which have started with a very, very drunk groom.
The point is that he needs to apologise and he needs to know what he's done wrong. Do you think he does?
INeedAFlerken · 18/07/2019 23:30
Is he sorry? Has he apologised? Or did he go o the offensive...?
Notcopingwellhere · 18/07/2019 23:30
Poor you. Not surprised you are dwelling on it, sounds awful. Have you been together a long time, as he sounds like he completely takes you for granted and saw the wedding as a party with his mates rather than a celebration of the two of you.
AnyOldPrion · 18/07/2019 23:56
I spent my wedding night with another member of my family as my ex was another binge drinking idiot.
I stupidly stayed with him for years and years and finally realised I had to leave when he did something truly despicable, also when drunk. I won’t go into details as it’s too recognisable, but it involved our children.
Personally, I’m not sure you should be trying to get over this. If he has form, and you asked him to take care, yet he still chose to risk ruining what should have been one of the most wonderful days in your life, then I suspect he’s not going to stop.
Maybe it’s my personal history making me cynical, but it doesn’t sound like he has much respect for you.
stayclosetoyourself · 19/07/2019 00:13
It sounds like he had too much to drink - and after a couple common sense can disappear with alcohol.
I think yiu feel he's let you down and it sounds like your expectations of the day were totally different. If he let you down when something was really important to you, he might do it again.
However I don't think not texting you on his stag is a justifiable criticism as not many people would expect much response from a stag do. That sounds more like anxiety.
Orangeballon · 19/07/2019 00:15
Poor you, not a great start for your life together. He sounds like a selfish prat..
WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 19/07/2019 00:17
How old is he? He sounds about 19 carrying on like that.
I'd be upset as well. Has he apologised?
Sunshine93 · 19/07/2019 00:21
Sorry ignore my last post it's me and my stupid phone. Does he know you cried on your wedding night? If not you need to tell him.
julensaor · 19/07/2019 00:31
Going against the grain; it's the biggest party of both of your lives with all your friends and family together in the same place with probably a relatively large bill to pay at the end of it; you have your whole lives together, let him enjoy the most expensive party you both will ever throw. What's important to you (and anxiety is mentioned in your OP) probably does not carry the same weight for him. If you are throwing a party, being wrapped around each other is not the way to go.
Shodan · 19/07/2019 00:38
let him enjoy the most expensive party you both will ever throw.
I expect the OP was hoping that a large part of his enjoyment would stem from being with her. At their wedding. Not boozing it up with mates he could have another party with any time.
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