To still be upset about wedding

[Arc123]

We got married 6 weeks ago and I'm still really struggling with how drunk my husband got at the wedding. It's something we discussed before as although he doesn't do it often he has a habit of getting carried away and doing something to upset me so he agreed not to get really drunk and seemed fine with this. He also knows he upsets me when he's like that and we've had multiple times of him apologising but I don't feel he truly gets it as he can never remember what he actually did!

During the night a couple of times I said he shouldn't have any more but with everything going on I didn't see him much until it was time to leave and I then realised he'd clearly continued drinking. The taxi driving nearly refused to take him and he had to stick his head out the window for the whole journey. We then got to the hotel and he couldn't remember how to get to our room (he checked in earlier so I hadn't been). I had to struggle with millions of buttons on my dress whilst he passed out on the bed. What was worse was the way he looked at me when I said I needed him to help, realistically I know it was the effort of the dress that he was thinking of but the look of disgust on his face at helping me won't leave my mind. I know usually everyones too tired after the wedding for much to happen but I was really looking forward to us having a drink in the room and talking about our day especially as we hadn't seen each other much apart from photos.

I also tried to get him away from his friends to talkn to other people but he kept going back, it was also a struggle to get him to say bye to anyone. He also vanished for ages with his friends and missed lots of people leaving.

I've spoken to him but am really struggling to forgive. My worry is that if he can't stick to something which was important for me on our wedding how likely is he to do it another time? Don't think it's helped by the fact he didn't reply to my messages whilst he was on his stag which massively triggered my anxiety which only really went back to normal a couple of days before the wedding.

I spent my wedding night in tears on the sofa in our hotel room. I know he can't change anything but I'm struggling with this being the final memories of our wedding day. Everyone commented on how relaxed I was on the day which was cos I wasn't fussed about most of it (I'd have been just as happy with an evening party), the only thing that mattered to me was us spending the day together and I feel that for him the most important thing was getting drunk with his friends.

Sorry for the long post, I think part of my just needed to get this off my chest!

[Mummaofmytribe]

My OH drank too much at our wedding. Got going with his mates and in the end I just went to bed with the kids. I was furious.
I would expect a sincere apology. I feel your pain OP.
20 years on we're having a vow renewal next month .
He's grown up a LOT since then, but it's always niggled me that the wedding was disappointing. His sister also got drunk and started rows. Ugh.
This time, it's only my kids/GC/two best family friends and I'm going to have the event I want.
I guess I've been very lucky that the crap wedding was only one day and we've built a rock solid marriage (shouldn't jinx it!!)

[Birdie6]

I don't feel he truly gets it as he can never remember what he actually did!

This would bother me - if he can't remember what he did, he has a problem. This would be a big red flag for me.

[WishingILivedOnAnIsland]

@julensaor

It's not just a 'big party' it's a wedding. Of course his attention should have been on his bride & not making the most of an open bar.

I can't stand this mindset that getting blind drunk = 'enjoying yourself', or that it's somehow not possible to enjoy an event without making yourself inebriated to the point of having gaps in your memory.

It's problem drinking, disguised as 'partying'. If he can't enjoy a special day, surrounded by friends, family, food, music etc without alcohol then he likely has a problem. Whether it's selfishness and immaturity or something more sinister, only time will tell.

[K1ssIt]

If it's a one off I'd be tempted to say to forget about it and move on but you say he has form for getting hammered and doing something to upset you? That jumps out to me as more than a bloke not knowing his limits. It sounds like a bloke who knows what he's like when he drinks way too much and apologised but isn't sorry enough to not keep doing it. I'd be very hurt too.

My husband would only maybe go out two or three times a year and I never ever had any issue with him getting hammered. I did have an issue with him being an arsehole to me in drink. I'd tell him what he said the next day and he'd be sorry but it never felt fully genuine because he couldn't remember doing it. He'd never be such an arsehole with the mates he was drinking with though, it would take him rolling at 3am and me not being overjoyed at being woken up or at making sure he's not choking on his tongue.

I'd feel like shit for weeks remembering the things he said to me or how I'd walk on eggshells in case in his drunken stupor he took something I said the wrong way or got arsey with me for being embarrassed by him etc and I don't know if that's the type of thing you have going on with you but if it is, you have every right to be hurt and upset.

We worked things but it wasn't easy and it took things getting worse and him almost hitting me one night and not remembering fuck all about it and seeing it for himself for me to get the courage to say no more and mean it and for him to realise just serious he could have hurt me and I was only save my him tripping over his feet and falling.

[Italiangreyhound]

Arc123 YANBU. It sounds horrible.

I think, like others, his attitude now would be crucial. Is he apologetic?

I hope it all works out.

[Yeahnahmum]

Good luck. Sound like you married a true catch

[WomanLikeMeLM]

Its his wedding too and on your wedding day your trying to control him?

[Chocolatemouse84]

WomanlikemeLM I wouldn't class asking someone not to get so drunk they almost vomit in the taxi, can't remember where they are going and completely pass out as controlling behaviour. Her oh could have had a great night with his new wife and all of their guests without getting steaming drunk, instead of treating their wedding as a binge drinking session with his mates.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I'd be gutted if my oh got like this on our wedding. But I do think you need to move past this. I know you will ever get the original day back, but you can't go back in time and change what he did. Have you really spoken about how you feel about his behaviour and has he acknowledged why you were so upset?

[AllTheWhoresOfMalta]

I’m going to buck the general consensus here and say that whilst this wasn’t great behaviour on his part, it’s also not the worst thing anybody could do. We’ve all occasionally gone overboard with booze without necessarily having an alcohol issue. I think the “look” you describe was probably as much your interpretation as anything else. I would say have it our, air your grievances and move on. It’s not that important.

And FWIW I’ve known and in fact am closely related to some proper alcoholics. I’ve seen seen alcohol abused a lot, but this sounds more like someone caught up in the swing of a good time than a serious drink problem.

[Marchitectmummy]

Hhm I'm a bit split on this. I can't stand heavy drinking, but on the other hand it's as much your husband's day as yours and you can't tell him to have the day as you wish it needs to be agreed.

Your version of the day and what you wanted may have been different to his. You didn't want him to drink too much and told him that. In essence he ignored you because he wanted to do something else. The mistake you both made is not sorting this difference before the wedding so that you at least knew he would be drinking lots. I think you both need to communicate better and not fall into one bagging and the other rebelling.

For now though let it go, I wouldn't like excess drinking either but the day is done. There isn't a way to reverse and change what happened but learn from here to communicate more effectively.

[CuriousMama]

That's awful. Has he said anything about it?

[user1493413286]

My DH did that on our wedding night; I was equally hurt as we’d had a lot of conversations about not getting too drunk. What’s he said when you’ve spoken about it? We talked about it a few weeks after and my husband apologised which did help as I knew he really regretted it. I’ve decided in my mind to split the wedding into different parts with the last bit where he was so drunk being different to the earlier part of the day particularly the actual ceremony. I’ve also been to weddings in the past where the groom has got really drunk and no one cared which I find slightly reassuring. I am frustrated that so many people pressed drinks on him when he clearly didn’t need it but I do know it was his choice to drink.
I guess what I’m saying is I reached the point where I just had to move on from it and not let it spoil my memory of the day.

[balonzz]

His behaviour is verging on the unforgivable, imo. I too have had experience of a 'DH' ruining a significant occasion, too in the past. Your DH already has form for this, too, from what you say. I'm sorry but another thing that caught my eye was the fact that he disappeared for ages with his mates, perhaps you should ask him if it was only alcohol that he was imbibing that evening.

You can get past this but as others have said, he is going to have to change and stick to it. Otherwise I'm sorry but you're in for a lifetime of his ruining every significant occasion for you and any family you may have. Childbirth?Christmas? birthday parties? Have a good hard think about all this now OP.

[Pinkcat231]

This is exactly how I expected my wedding to go, we discussed it so many times before the day but I was still dreading the evening. And of course, as soon as the evening started, his mates started trying to give him shots but thankfully he refused over and over. It’s all peer pressure and I hate how some people don’t seem to grow out of it doesn’t make it right though and you should speak to him and try to sort it out so it doesn’t keep happening throughout your marriage.

But with the wedding what’s done is done and I also have anxiety so know how easy it is to dwell on something you can’t change. Did you enjoy the rest of the day OP? Focus on that and try to remember we all feel rubbish once the wedding’s over as it’s such a big event then suddenly you’re married and it’s all over, you’ll feel more positive with time.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

What is the rest of your relationship like? Does he pull his weight? Is this someone who will make a decent father and put his families needs before his own?

[VivienneHolt]

I really feel for you. The bit about how you hardly saw each other except for the photos is so sad. Has he apologised or shown any remorse?

[Actionhasmagic]

Hey OP I’m sorry you had to go through this on the most special day of your life. My ex ex boyfriend was like this. I didn’t recognise him much when he would get drunk.

How good are you at communicating? It’s probably not going to resolve until you can be really honest with him. Even though it happened six weeks ago I would also still be so upset.

It’s funny you say about the look of disgust at trying to help you - sometimes the smallest things can say the biggest things.

I hope you can chat about it and get an apology.

My husband and I spend our whole wedding together which I loved - I actually think it’s so hard for bride and groom to experience that day side by side as everyone pulls you off in different directions.

[Italiangreyhound]

Please do ignore the stupid comments from people who think his behaviour was normal or who are making fun! Very silly comments from a couple if people!

[ooooohbetty]

I used to be a barmaid at a venue that hosted weddings. The grooms getting paralytic drunk used to happen regularly. I had one trying to drunkenly chat me up, and kept coming up to the bar to do it, one was sick on the dance floor. I totally understand your anger about it but unfortunately it's not that unusual.

[ChihuahuaMummy1]

My good friends dh was so drunk at their evening do he had to be carried by 4 people to the bridal suite,bride wasnt best pleased.
It was him getting carried away celebrating though and they are very happily married 10 years later.I suppose it depends on your relationship in general,if he is loving and respectful normally then it was just a major fuck up,it doesn't have to effect your marriage of you dont want it to.

[Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav]

My dh was like that at our wedding, I was pregnant so I couldn't drink! 😂 But we both enjoyed our day and I think it was his way of letting off steam from the build to up to the wedding. We've been married 10yrs next year. Let him know how upset and disappointed you are and then move on otherwise this is going to continue to hang over you and ruin your lives together. If however you feel you can't get over it, maybe you need to rethink your situation and decide if you want to stay married to him

[Cside]

Okay, I think he was wrong and I think he needs to apologise. I can see why you're upset, I would be too.

However, I think this is a bit extreme.

His behaviour is verging on the unforgivable, imo

What has he said since OP? Has he apologised? If the rest of your relationship is okay I'd try move past it once he'd apologised. Yes it's disappointing and frustrating but if he's sorry then I really don't see it as something to ruin my marriage over.

[Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav]

Oh, and when I was a kid my uncle disappeared at his wedding, my aunty (my dad's sister) had to send everyone to look for him... He was found fast asleep on the toilet, we still tease him about it to this day and they've been married nearly 30years!!😂 😂 😂

[ShatnersWig]

although he doesn't do it often he has a habit of getting carried away and doing something to upset me so he agreed not to get really drunk and seemed fine with this. He also knows he upsets me when he's like that and we've had multiple times of him apologising

I wouldn't have married someone who does this and you were clearly aware of this tendency of his, but what's done is done. I think you're understandably upset. I've been to dozens of weddings and seen guests get totally pissed but never a bride or groom. I'd be concerned about the future, to be honest.

[plasterboots]

Going against the grain; it's the biggest party of both of your lives with all your friends and family together in the same place with probably a relatively large bill to pay at the end of it; you have your whole lives together, let him enjoy the most expensive party you both will ever throw. What's important to you (and anxiety is mentioned in your OP) probably does not carry the same weight for him. If you are throwing a party, being wrapped around each other is not the way to go.

What a load of bollocks! Why would drinking until you're totally fucked make a party "enjoyable"? Far from it!

OP I'm not sure what I can offer you, he was a prize twat but it can't be undone.

Good luck I hope you fine done resolution and peace.