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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my Brazilian husband's behaviour?

55 replies

firsttimejoj · 13/06/2019 12:24

I'm in a pickle with my Brazilian husband and looking for advice from anyone who understands Brazilian/Latino culture...

My husband has a new female friend that he made in Brazil when he went there by himself earlier this year. She is the same age as him (52) and is a friend of a friend.

They WhatsApp each other a lot, sometimes every day and their messages are really intimimate, much more so than two male friends. I'm ashamed to say that I know because I noticed he was deleting some msgs and we had an argument about why he felt the need to do that (he said it was because I was controlling). Since then I've been sporadically checking his phone and some of the msgs are, in my opinion, inappropriate, whilst others are ok.

They talk about how much they miss each other, have shared a sultry selfie of themselves and my husband has shared pics that I have taken of him with the kids. This wk they exchanged voice msgs where they said to each other "I miss your face and eyes and can't wait to see you again" and my husband called her "Linda, amor and gatinha" (beautiful, my love and kitty/sexy) and he asked for her new home address. He never calls me those things anymore but does to her.

In his msgs, he has never mentioned me or sent a pic of me, even though there are lovely family pics taken at the same time as the pics that he does send her.

Ugh, I feel absolutely in despair because when I've bought it up in the past, husband goes off on one and says that I'm imagining it and all this affectionate talk he has with her is typical in Brazil, but I just can't let it go. I've asked him why we never speak to her together and he's not given me an answer.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 13/06/2019 12:25

Sounds like your marriage is over

CassianAndor · 13/06/2019 12:25

Does it matter if this is the norm in Brazil? You are uncomfortable with it (I would be too) and that's all that matters.

ElizaPancakes · 13/06/2019 12:27

Doesn’t matter if it’s typical in Brazil - you’re his wife and you don’t like it. He should stop out of respect to you; he doesn’t because he doesn’t respect you.

IfNot · 13/06/2019 12:28

Of course it's not normal in Brazil! I can't believe he has the nerve to flaunt this affair in your face and then tell you you just don't understand his culture! Angry You are being mugged off. I'm very sorry.

yiskasha · 13/06/2019 12:30

LTB

Birdie6 · 13/06/2019 12:30

he says that I'm imagining it and all this affectionate talk he has with her is typical in Brazil

Nope nope nope, it isn't "typical in Brazil". I't just typical of a man who has found another woman . I can't believe he is doing this right in front of you.

I'd be planning on leaving if I was you, OP. Your marriage is finished and he is totally disrespecting you.

ltk · 13/06/2019 12:32

It's not a Brazilian thing. It's a cheating arsehole thing.

dontgobaconmyheart · 13/06/2019 12:35

My father is Brazilian OP and I'm not aware of him having used it as a ridiculous excuse to conduct and emotional affair and gaslight his wife. He is treating you very poorly and I'd take as much objection to the gaslighting as I would the emotional affair.

Don't allow him to normalise this doe you OP, he is grim, you know exactly what it is, you deserve far better. It doesn't matter what he wants you to think it is so he can have his cake and eat it- it matters what it actually is, which is obvious. What's stopping him other than the fact she is in Brazil? Presumably he'd be taking it further if he could as his messages suggest, and very likely already did when he met her.

Sorry OP Flowers I'd call his bluff- tell him I've made my own opinion and am not interested in keeping a husband who thinks this behaviour is ok, who doesn't care about my feelings. Dont go down the road of competing to keep him, he's no prize, he sounds the opposite.

bgmama · 13/06/2019 13:01

Come on OP, wake up! You say you are married and have children together so I am assuming you two have been together for quite a few years and you have met his Brazilian family and friends and perhaps have been in Brazil. Do his male Brazilian friends send you sultry selfies and tell you they miss your eyes and your face? Btw, I used to have lots of latin american friends and this type of behavior/messages was only between couples.

DrPeppersPhD · 13/06/2019 13:16

If he hasn't already cheated on you with her, I think he will. This isn't a cultural thing, this is an affair. Although, if he wants to play the culture card and you've got the nerve to go for it, file for divorce and tell him in Britain it's common to ditch a man who cheats on you, just to see what he does with it.

pollypenguin01 · 13/06/2019 13:19

He’s cheating on you, if not physically certainly emotionally.
It doesn’t matter if he is Brazilian!

Why are you putting up with this?

Yesicancancan · 13/06/2019 13:19

Even if it was culture, you don’t have to agree with it. Ditch his sorry arse.

EspressoX10 · 13/06/2019 13:23

I'm Portuguese, have lived in Brazil and understand the Brazilian culture pretty well.

It's absolutely not normal and pretty sleazy behaviour, OP.

Don't let him tell you otherwise

Gruzinkerbell1 · 13/06/2019 13:27

It’s not normal behaviour. It’s unacceptable and cheating.

It’s also not because you’re “controlling” that he deletes the messages. It’s because he’s guilty and doesn’t want to be caught out.

RightOnTheEdge · 13/06/2019 13:28

My XP is Brazilian and I had the exactly the same problem but with all different Brazilian women not just one.
It was terrible with loads of women sending him messages even though they knew about me and our dc.

He and they just brushed it off and said they were all just friends Hmm

It might be a Brazilian "thing" but it's also an arsehole thing. Don't stand for it OP.

mussolini9 · 13/06/2019 13:37

husband goes off on one and says that I'm imagining it and all this affectionate talk he has with her is typical in Brazil,

But you are not in Brazil, & he is maried to a British woman.
He knows this, & knows he is out of order (deleting messages), but is looking to make HIS behaviour YOUR fault: calling you "controlling" for disliking his inappriate behaviour is a classic piece of manipulation.

You must feel so frustrated, worn down & powerless.
I wonder if he knows this too? Either way, he either wants you to feel bad, or doesn't care if you do.
If he refuses to mend his attitude & behaviour, the only control you actually have left is whether you choose to stay with him or not.

Frankly, he sounds like an arsehole. Really - what's in it for you? Don't you deserve someone who will consider your feelings & make you his number 1?

Nofilter101 · 13/06/2019 14:05

That's awful and unreasonable.

SuchAToDo · 13/06/2019 14:32

Op he is having an affair with this woman..he says affectionate stuff to her that he doesn't even say to you,

What you need to be aware of (and not have your head in the sand) is that if he is showing her photos of the kids and they are both saying they can't wait to see each other then maybe he is planning to go back to Brazil to be with her and bringing the kids with him to set up life with her.....if they have passports, hide them

But there is definitely something going on with them...I agree with the others who say LTB, don't beg or plead with him to choose you (you shouldn't ever have to beg Someone to love you or stay with you, if you have to, then its not love)

PCohle · 13/06/2019 14:42

Who the fuck cares if this is normal in Brazil (which I doubt tbh). You're his wife and he shouldn't want to behave in a way that he knows makes you unhappy

Nitpickpicnic · 13/06/2019 14:54

Does he still have a mum? Ask her for advice, as to whether she thinks it’s a ‘cultural thing’. Or just tell him you’re going to ask her.

His face should be very informative for you.

Original poster
firsttimejoj · 13/06/2019 15:00

Thank you everyone for the understanding and support, you have all certainly helped me see things in a fresh light. Definitely feeling the Mumsnet love.

It's funny today for the first time I have separated the love that I have for him for the respect that I know I deserve. He is a loving and kind man and outstanding father who stands up to the financial responsibilities of the family, but the lack of trust i have for him as completely left me swaying in the wind.

I rang him after reading many of your msgs and told him this and that I demand answers when he returns from work. I will bear in mind what many of you have said. Thanks Mumnet juryHalo

OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimejoj · 13/06/2019 15:03

@Nitpickpicnic, oh my goodness, this is genius! I will add this into this afternoon's activities.

OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimejoj · 13/06/2019 15:05

@mussolini9, thank you for recognising that I am worn down by it all. I am. I have never really thought that it was me who was being controlled. I see myself as a strong, take no s**t feminist which colleagues say comes across as formidable, but at home I could be the opposite. Who knew?!

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 13/06/2019 15:09

your husband is lying and we all know it

AryaStarkWolf · 13/06/2019 15:09

Echo what others have said OP, I don't know much about Brazilian culture but if you're not happy with it, it doesn't matter anyway (I wouldn't either btw and If i had to guess I would say he's a lying, cheat)