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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my Brazilian husband's behaviour?

55 replies

firsttimejoj · 13/06/2019 12:24

I'm in a pickle with my Brazilian husband and looking for advice from anyone who understands Brazilian/Latino culture...

My husband has a new female friend that he made in Brazil when he went there by himself earlier this year. She is the same age as him (52) and is a friend of a friend.

They WhatsApp each other a lot, sometimes every day and their messages are really intimimate, much more so than two male friends. I'm ashamed to say that I know because I noticed he was deleting some msgs and we had an argument about why he felt the need to do that (he said it was because I was controlling). Since then I've been sporadically checking his phone and some of the msgs are, in my opinion, inappropriate, whilst others are ok.

They talk about how much they miss each other, have shared a sultry selfie of themselves and my husband has shared pics that I have taken of him with the kids. This wk they exchanged voice msgs where they said to each other "I miss your face and eyes and can't wait to see you again" and my husband called her "Linda, amor and gatinha" (beautiful, my love and kitty/sexy) and he asked for her new home address. He never calls me those things anymore but does to her.

In his msgs, he has never mentioned me or sent a pic of me, even though there are lovely family pics taken at the same time as the pics that he does send her.

Ugh, I feel absolutely in despair because when I've bought it up in the past, husband goes off on one and says that I'm imagining it and all this affectionate talk he has with her is typical in Brazil, but I just can't let it go. I've asked him why we never speak to her together and he's not given me an answer.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2019 15:12

He's carrying on an affair right in front of your face. What a bastard. You deserve far better than this. I don't really see what "demanding answers" will accomplish. You already know the truth and you know he lies and gaslights you. If I were you, the marriage would be over.

SVRT19674 · 13/06/2019 15:14

One has to be latino to understand that he is into someone else? This is not normal anywhere for a married man. It's called an affair.

PugPupsMum · 13/06/2019 15:34

What are you even wondering at this point? It's clear as day he is cheating on you with this women, if not psychically then emotionally, and in plain sight!

Start making arrangements for a separation - before its thrust upon you.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 13/06/2019 15:39

As someone in a mixed race marriage, I have seen 100000 times women asking 'is this because he is from x?'

It.doesn't.matter.

If it's unacceptable to you, it's unacceptable. It doesn't matter which country he comes from.

I get it. Mixed marriages are hard. There are certain norms we have to accept sometimes, but things like cheating, housework, childcare, abuse etc are not things that you should compromise on. There is no shame in walking away from your marriage when he is blatantly carrying on behind your back.

LinoleumBlownapart · 13/06/2019 15:41

I'm married to a Brazilian and I lived in Brazil. Linda is pretty standard, you can say anyone is "linda" in a picture, your friends, colleagues, family etc.
But "amor and gatinha"...fuck no. That's his girlfriend, sorry. Time to put your cards on the table.

SpunBodgeSquarepants · 13/06/2019 15:44

This is really familiar, have you posted about this before OP?

DroningOn · 13/06/2019 15:44

100% emotional affair......

crazyasafox · 13/06/2019 15:44

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. As many posters have stated, it is not a 'Brazilian thing.'

I know several people who have husbands not from Brazil, but from the same part of the world.... Peru, and Chile, and also Cuba. They are lovely, sweet, affectionate men (with their wives,) and have a cheeky sense of humour with other people, but there is none of the behaviour you describe @firsttimejoj

Your DH is a dick. Sorry. You need to address this and tell him he is skating on wafer thin ice! Don't let him treat you this way!

Neverwrestlewithapig · 13/06/2019 16:00

I’m assuming you’ve been with your husband a while so surely you’d have come across this behaviour before if it really was so ‘typical’. If not, it’s clearly tripe.
Besides, even if it was ‘typical Brazilian behaviour’, that doesn’t mean you should have to accept it!
You deserve better Flowers

SolitudeAtAltitude · 13/06/2019 16:04

bollocks, I have lived in South America for 10 years, and this is not "of the culture", it's his love interest

(fwiw lots of middle aged men had affairs in oru friendship group, whilst the women succumbed to plastic surgery and endless beauty treatments to "keep their man" who then strayed anyway. Note: this is obv. not true of everyone, but my own personal experience in my friendship group there)

he's having you on OP!

Jellybeansincognito · 13/06/2019 16:11

You sound really jealous and insecure, you’ve also overstepped his personal space by looking at his phone in secret.

Why do you care? You can’t base a relationship on this.

crazyasafox · 13/06/2019 16:19

@Jellybeansincognito

You sound really jealous and insecure, you’ve also overstepped his personal space by looking at his phone in secret.

Oh FFS there's always one! Hmm Get in the bin! Hmm

Inthetropics · 13/06/2019 16:22

I'm brazilian and this is not typical at all! AT ALL.

Dvg · 13/06/2019 16:23

:S Yeaaaaah this isn't normal in Brazil .. unless your single and trying to have a special friend.

longwayoff · 13/06/2019 16:33

No no no no no not normal anywhere. Sort out your finances and prepare to change your life if necessary.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 13/06/2019 16:33

She doesn't sound jealous and insecure she sounds deeply troubled by her DH's behaviour and the fact he's gaslighting her.

Honeybee85 · 13/06/2019 16:37

I used to date a Brazilian guy. Pretty sure that he wouldn’t think this behaviour is acceptable!

Your DH is using cultural differences against you to be a d*ck.

MyNewBearTotoro · 13/06/2019 16:39

Asking his Mum is the perfect response!

GabsAlot · 13/06/2019 16:46

Yeah why does she care that her dh is having an affair

What a ridiculous comment

Even if it was normal in brazil you dont like in brazil so its irrelevant

GabsAlot · 13/06/2019 16:47

*live

EarlyBird39 · 13/06/2019 17:04

This is NOT typical in Brazil between friends AT ALL. This type of behaviour/conversation goes between ppl who want much much more than friendship. I'm Brazilian and believe me I can assure you THIS IS NOT OK. He's a bastard doing it all right under your nose. LTB.

HollowTalk · 13/06/2019 17:09

I would tell him to fuck off back to Brazil, where he can chat up women to his heart's content.

Honestly, OP, you can't stay married to this twat.

GlamGiraffe · 13/06/2019 17:18

This sounds like so many Brazilian men I know/know of who are sneaky cheaters. In Brazil cheating is more commonly accepted in some places( especially small towns) in my experience and wives might have a psych rant but never do anything much about it so men think they can get away with it.
In the uk that model obviously doesnt translate very at all well and it's not something we've experienced. Your husband probably does have an element that he's grown up thinking having a cheeky affair is ok. From experience Brazilian men are really excessive on the messages with flirty chat.
If hes saying its nothing and being super defensive at this point thats where i think you already have a problem.

Jellybeansincognito · 13/06/2019 17:43

@crazyasafox oh ffs there’s always one?
Her crazy behaviour doesn’t counteract his behaviour and make hers acceptable. Neither of them should be acting like this. It’s not ok to secretly invade someone’s phone conversations, at all

magneticmumbles · 13/06/2019 18:12

He's cheating on you. There is no other way to interpret that behaviour. Doesn't matter where he's from, you don't behave like that when you're married.

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