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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take on DN and DN?

84 replies

Bughead1 · 04/04/2019 18:29

Very very long story short. Dh sister is 24 she has 2 children a girl 6 and a boy 2

She has bi polar and a history of slight neglect (feeds them and baths them but doesn't get them to bed till extremely late and doesn't make sure DD goes to school. )

She has always been very active on Facebook and starts arguments with the wrong people that then threaten to come round and smash her windows in/ her head it etc..
She smokes weed and owes a lot of money and steals and drops the kids off to mil and often goes missing for a few days before coming to pick them up.

Anyway, social services have been involved since my niece was 2. There have been lots of times it's looked like they'll be taken but it's finally been decided that they cannot be cared for by her. MIL was asked if she will take them but she will only take the girl. It's too much for her to look after a 2 year old full time.

Dh and I have 3 children of our own (10, 4, 3) so have our hands full. We could physically fit them in but it would be a squeeze. I'm a sahm so could look after them.

I feel like we're crazy to take them and would they be better with another foster family than in a crazy 5 child family, but I just feel heart broken thinking of them going into care.

Anyone been through similar that has any words of wisdom

OP posts:
Original poster
Bughead1 · 04/04/2019 18:30

Oh I'm sorry I am on my phone. There were definitely paragraphs when I wrote that!

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 04/04/2019 18:31

I would take them in. You would make it work.

Crunchymum · 04/04/2019 18:33

The papargraphs are there Grin

Guilt is not the best reason to take on these children.

Is foster care likely to be permanent? Is the mother being rehabilitated?

I am inexplicably sad that granny was willing to take on one child but not the other. Ideally - whatever happens - these kids need to stay together.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 04/04/2019 18:33

What a difficult situation for you.

Be prepared for the fact that your SIL might well go on to have several more children. If you are taking these two on because they are family and you don’t want them brought up in care, will you feel the same about other children she may have and how will you deal with that?

lalasmum11 · 04/04/2019 18:33

I would take them, they are family. Don’t think they would be better off in a foster family. Would be other kids there too.

Lllot5 · 04/04/2019 18:33

I would take them in. Can’t split them up either not that you suggested that but in case any one else does. All hands on deck when it’s this sort of situation. Accept all offers of help from MIL and DH too. Good luck.

Northernparent68 · 04/04/2019 18:33

Can your mil take the girl and you take the boy ?

Original poster
Bughead1 · 04/04/2019 18:34

I know, that's what I think and what my heart tells me. I'm not so much concerned about making it work, but that I'd be doing it for selfish reasons and they would be better being the sole focus of foster parents rather than sharing us with 3 other children. Although I suppose even that is better than what they have now.
I just want the best for them

OP posts:
KnickerBockerGlooooory · 04/04/2019 18:34

I can see paragraphs Smile
I have no experience in this at all, but didn't want to read and run - I think it's tremendously commendable that you would consider taking them on considering your own hands are full.
Whatever happens I do believe the 2 siblings should stay together, I understand mil's position but to keep one child and not the other could be disastrous in the future. Especially as the 6yo will know her brother has been 'sent away' . Hope it all works out op

LordWheresMyShoes · 04/04/2019 18:36

I don't know them or their relationship with you, but in general I think kids are far, far better with somebody they know than a foster family they don't. Some sort of stability and continuity for them. As for 5 instead of three, I think economies of scale come into play to some extent. A day at the beach for a family of three is much the same as a day for a family of five. Feeding 5 children not that much more expense or effort than three (until they're teenagers!).

Having said that, you aren't responsible for them and should only do it if it's right for you.

Stinkytoe · 04/04/2019 18:37

I think they’d be better being loved and cared for by family than feeling than not only could mummy not look after them, that none of the rest of their relatives would either.

If you couldn’t afford to look after them/ didn’t have the space etc it would be different.

If it were me I’d take them in.

JoinTheDots · 04/04/2019 18:37

Bless you for considering this.

Only you really know if you could cope, you need to think about everyone involved - you, your husband, your current children and also your DN and DNeph.

My parents took on one extra child in a similar-ish situation, and it worked, it was hard, but they did it and did it brilliantly. I was a sibling and it was a good decision they made, in my opinion.

What does your husband think of the idea? Have you let Social Services know you are considering it?

LorelaiRoryEmily · 04/04/2019 18:37

If you can I would take them in. Such a sad situation but at least with you they’d be living with people who already love them. Poor kids

Chickychoccyegg · 04/04/2019 18:38

I think you should take them, it would be better for them to stay together and be with family who love them, so not selfish reasons at all, they're similar ages to your dc, you have space and are a sahm, which all help towards this working

Original poster
Bughead1 · 04/04/2019 18:39

She might have children but I feel like she won't. When she had my niece she was very much an accessory and a Facebook photo child. After having a second she seemed to realise how hard it is and how much of herself she had to put on hold.

She is getting help but she has been for years. She feels better and then stops taking her meds or gets a boyfriend and she ends up back to square 1.

I don't feel like I can not take on these 2 in case there's others in the future, we would have to cross that bridge when we came to it I suppose.

I do think it's horrible that mil would take on girl but not the boy but I do understand. He is a typical 2 year old whirl wind and she's not got the energy she's only 55 but she is worn out

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2cats2many · 04/04/2019 18:39

They will definitely be better with you than with foster parents. Belonging is so important to children. If you can, do it.

Iggly · 04/04/2019 18:39

I wouldn’t split up the siblings. No way! That's a terrible idea - personal experience.

If you can take both I would but ask for as much support as possible.

Yellowcar2 · 04/04/2019 18:39

I was in the same situation with 3DC eldest being 5 youngest new born and DN was 10. However after going through 18months of endless forms SS visits and numerous court cases DS won case and DN stayed with her.

However I was more than prepared to take her in as I thought it would be better than foster care. If in the end it didn't work out she would then go to foster care but at least I know I tried iyswim.

But it is a massive undertaking and you should only do this if you are 100% sure as you then have parental responsibility until they are 18.

Out of interest is your sister fighting this?

RB68 · 04/04/2019 18:39

I would take them both in but ask your Mum for help generally if she is able.

If you sort it out right with social services they may be help for you as well

Original poster
Bughead1 · 04/04/2019 18:44

Dh wants to take them in, but understands it might not be the best idea. In reality it will be me doing most of the care and looking after. So if I don't feel able he will support that.

Yes ss knows that we are thinking about it. Not sure what the process will Involve (they've not been all that forthcoming with details, just "will you consider taking them" ) but I suppose that will be discussed once I let them know we're happy to take them.

I think this thread wad what I needed. It's confirmed in my head that there's no way I can let them go to strangers or be split up.

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DreamInDreamer · 04/04/2019 18:45

How would you envisage the relationship with their mother continuing?

BrieAndChilli · 04/04/2019 18:45

It could be that in 2 or 4 or 5 years the mother may have grown up and be in a better place to care for them (if you can keep up some sort of relationship between them) if they go to foster care and possibly adoption that will never be an option.

Me and my sister were taken into care at age 5 and 2. It’s had a huge effect on us. Losing a parent or bad enough but having basically everything you’ve ever known ripped away from you and being placed in the middle of another ‘world’ that is totally alien (and then the same happening again 18months later when you are adopted) is not something you ever ever get over, it affects you subconsciously in ways you don’t understand until you are older.
Of course there will be plenty of children who go into care and have a wonderful life but I think if they can be place with blood relatives it is the best option.

Original poster
Bughead1 · 04/04/2019 18:47

Sil is on the surface unhappy about it ( Facebook posts along the lines of "they want to take my babies") but I'm almost certain she won't fight it. She's suggested a few times that her mum look after them full time.

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Original poster
Bughead1 · 04/04/2019 18:49

I feel as though if we took them, sil would see them them occasionally. It's almost like she sees them as an auntie would rather than as people she's responsible for

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HavelockVetinari · 04/04/2019 18:54

What would be the impact on your existing DC? Do SIL's DC have any SEN or developmental issues? E.g. attachment disorder?

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