To take on DN and DN?

[Bughead1]

Very very long story short. Dh sister is 24 she has 2 children a girl 6 and a boy 2

She has bi polar and a history of slight neglect (feeds them and baths them but doesn't get them to bed till extremely late and doesn't make sure DD goes to school. )

She has always been very active on Facebook and starts arguments with the wrong people that then threaten to come round and smash her windows in/ her head it etc..
She smokes weed and owes a lot of money and steals and drops the kids off to mil and often goes missing for a few days before coming to pick them up.

Anyway, social services have been involved since my niece was 2. There have been lots of times it's looked like they'll be taken but it's finally been decided that they cannot be cared for by her. MIL was asked if she will take them but she will only take the girl. It's too much for her to look after a 2 year old full time.

Dh and I have 3 children of our own (10, 4, 3) so have our hands full. We could physically fit them in but it would be a squeeze. I'm a sahm so could look after them.

I feel like we're crazy to take them and would they be better with another foster family than in a crazy 5 child family, but I just feel heart broken thinking of them going into care.

Anyone been through similar that has any words of wisdom

They haven't been dx with anything. My niece is a happy, healthy child, doing well at school, unfortunately used to being passed from pillar to post. Nephew is crazy :) but no more so than a normal 2yo they are both developing as expected

I believe if your fostering them you could get some financial help from the council, it's worth checking out.
If you do take them in will you sil try to get involved?
I think you should go with your gutt.

I would take them. Yes it will be manic but You will know they are safe rather than in the system and potentially being shipped pillar to post or heaven forbid abused.

Thanks for all your advice. Been taking to dh and we are going to say we want to take them in. Or might go tits up. But at least we can say we tried x

Is there any way you could work with the mum in a supportive role, so she still takes part and cares for them too? With some ss support...and what about financial support as will be expensive with five.

I have experience of a similar situation in my extended family. It will likely be a longish process to take on care for them officially. You'll need your own legal advice as the council do not have to represent your interests !even if they speak like they do). Remember it is far far cheaper for them to get the children cared for within family. So be wary of what they tell you - particularly regarding how much the DC have been effected (attachment disorders/trauma/foetal alcohol syndrome for e.g.)

Make sure your own children are on board and understand the implications. It is by far the biggest disruption to them (within your current family unit - obviously DNs are massively effected). And don't underestimate how disruptive it will be for your DC.

That said it's an amazing opportunity to give your DNs this chance. But it's not a simple decision. Do you know any charities that support families in your situation. You could do with advice from families who understand. We all like to think we would but once you've seen the impact I'm not sure how many people really would...

I think we could be ok , obviously it will affect our children but so would having 2 more bio children.
Financially we will be fine. Dh has a good job so that's not a problem.
They would still get to see their mum.

My niece has had 18 unauthorised absences from school since September and has had 31 late marks. Nephew qualifies for 2 year 15 hours and always gets there on time as it's obviously easier for her when he's in nursery

My cousins four boys two sets of twins were taken of her aged almost 1 and 2 years. (No wonder she struggled without the other factors) her mum refused to take them in. My mum said she could take one set if her mother took the other. She refused. My mum could not be the one to decide which set stayed in the family and which were put into care. They were ripped away from the family and bounced from home to home. They were supposed to stay together but were split up and different ends of the county. The courts forced adoption despite mum meeting all their requirements. My mum still says it is one of her biggest regrets. If your mil is happy to take one maybe see about having both as a trial and if not suitable let her take the eldest. At least this keeps them with people they know. They will be approaching 16 and 17 this year.

OP you are a very kind woman. Good for you to give them the shelter love and nurture they obviously need. I wish you the very best of luck.

Financially as their foster parents you would get support for having them. It would be the same financial support a foster carer they did not know would get.

I would be concerned that SIL will drop in and out of their lives, interfere and cause big issues for your DC.

If she was out of the picture then I yes would take them on but I think there would be very blurred boundaries that could be very damaging to your own DC

There are highly likely to be future DN once she's bored with being child free, forgotten the reality and wants a new accessory.

As the parent of a child with developmental trauma (attachment disorder), I would say please read up on therapeutic parenting and maybe join the support group or an SGO support group on Facebook. Try and get honest reports from school, nursery or social services. Our son has blown our family up. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take them - even after our experience I probably would- but please be prepared for this journey to be very different from your parenting journey so far.

Make sure you get all the help and allowances that are available to you - you will probably get more advice from people who have already done it - but it does appear that family fostering needs you to be quite proactive in getting what you are entitled to. Which seems ridiculous when it's almost always in the best interests of children (abuse/violence not included) to stay within the wider family and, more importantly, together.

I doubt that you'd be classed as a foster carer. They'd more than likely push for an SGO.
Please give it some very serious thought before taking on the children.

This happened in our family. 3-year-old boy taken from birthmom and placed with her relatives. Problem was that birthmom knew where he was, could visit occasionally, and interfered with how he was being parented. For example - went to school on parent's night and interviewed teachers, threw public tantrum when she heard "her" son call another woman "Mom", met school bus at corner and tried to get him into her car, called doctor when he was scheduled to have minor surgery and told doctor she was the mother and she did not give consent. Surgery cancelled while we provided legal proof to doctor. It really tore apart the family!
Finally resulted in the cancellation of most family gatherings including birthdays and Christmas. So even though he was "with family" he didn't have a relationship with his other relatives. He is sixteen now and says that he wishes he had grown up in a "normal family" with a mother and father and cousins etc.

I don't think they would be better off with a foster family, OP. That doesn't automatically mean you should take them, but in general, children looked after by family members do better than in the foster system. Having lots of children in a house is busy and a bit crazy, but if you can make it work, the busy-ness and craziness isn't a bad thing, so long as you love them. Which you will.

What an awful dilemma for you.

I do remember THIS THREAD and wonder if you might gain something from reading it?

I wouldn’t but then I know my oldest wouldn’t be happy he doesn’t like his nephew as it is in small doses let alone living together and honestly I couldn’t care for two extras as my own, I cope with mine because they are mine all that unconditional love etc but other people’s my tolerance for bad behaviour or general childish sillyness and mum,mum,mum,mum is a fine thread.

Same reason if me and dh ever split up I wouldn’t/couldn’t be a step parent.

Forgot to add me and my brother grew up being fostered by separate family members and where reunited in one home again once older with parents.

I've been close to other families who've done this and it's worked well. You must insist on being their foster carers though. Both families I know did this and got the pay and support that foster carers get. I know they are family but the extra money could pay for support at home. Good luck to you x

I’m so happy to read you are going to offer to take them. What an amazing thing to do; to keep them together and with family sounds like the best thing to me for those poor children. I really hope it works out well for you all .

I would look up attachment disorder before you decide. Many children with early life experiences of trauma and neglect will suffer and it can really start to show when they are removed from the situation and in a "safe" place. It really can be a massive problem and cause damage to other children's relationships as well as the adult relationship.

5 children is a massive undertaking. You also need to look at how they are placed with you (SGO?) and the funding and support that brings.

Imo keep them both and ensure they have the same upbringing and memories of being together in your home. Splitting them up would likely damage their relationship with each other. They have been through enough already. You may be able to claim some benefits if you need them. The youngest won't be 2 for long!!

There is absolutely no guarantee that they will have the ‘sole attention’ of foster parents. Often foster careers have other children (their own and those in care). Nor is there any guarantee of stability/ permanence as they might move from one temp placement to another and/or be separated m. My friend is a foster carer (a very good one) and I shudder at the stories they tell about other carers they meet, including the ones who previously cared for children now in their care.

If it were me I would take them in - for their sake. They will have far greater security and sense of belonging with you than in a foster home.

I went from being a single parent with a nearly three year old and a six and a half year old, to living with a now-ex who had a nearly three year old, a six year old and nearly eight year old, he had them full time.

So we had five under the same roof. And it was fun at times actually, we made friends with another family with five kids and would meet at the beach or the park and it was a ready made party sometimes.

I think you would manage. It would be hard but it would be rewarding.