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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM won’t visit us because we rent

58 replies

Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 18:17

DM is embarrassed we rent a tiny house. She makes this clear every time we speak as she says things like ‘it’s ridiculous you live in that house’ ‘and when are you going into move to a bigger house’ etc etc.
We can’t afford to buy or rent a bigger house. Her husband has 2 ‘golden children’ that live in massive houses they own so it’s made clear regularly that we are the black sheep.
But she’s only see her grandkids once for a few hours in the last year- she won’t visit us and I think it’s because we are an embarrassment to her.
Aibu to have it out with her? My DCs ask why she never comes to visit. It makes me feel so crap & such a failure in my life- we just can’t afford to buy.

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 28/03/2019 18:23

Your not a failure it's a bloody hard thing for some people to do.
Your DM sounds like a knob and I'm so sorry she has made u feel this way!
Your house is a home for your family regardless of size and whether it's rented or owned. As long as you and your family are content that's all that should matter.
I think you need to cut her out tbh!

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 18:24

@bigone I think I would be content if she wasn’t constantly making us feel shit about it. We also drive a banger car that she is embarrassed about too as the golden children have brand new ones.

OP posts:
NWQM · 28/03/2019 18:24

Do she avoid you or do you go visit her?

FriarTuck · 28/03/2019 18:24

when are you going into move to a bigger house
'When you give me a sizeable advance on my inheritance'
It may be that she doesn't come because she feels like she doesn't have enough space there (queue for the bathroom, no privacy, whatever) and that bothers her which makes it her issue and not yours. Or it could be that she's a massive snob - again, her issue. Or you may not have the same standards of cleanliness as her - her issue & maybe a bit yours. Ask her. Don't have it out with her, just ask. 'The DCs have asked why you don't come visit - I couldn't answer that. Why is it?'

Hollowvictory · 28/03/2019 18:25

She sounds dreadful so great news she doesn't come and visit. Give her a swerve, why would you expose your children to her?

iklboo · 28/03/2019 18:26

Next time you visit her dress as Daisy and Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances.

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 18:26

@nwqm we do visit but it’s a 200 mile journey & we work full time. Also, because she’s constantly making it clear I am an embarrassment, its putting me off driving so far. I only suck it up for the kids

OP posts:
thebabessavedme · 28/03/2019 18:26

so, your dcs have a warm, safe, clean home with food and love? thats all they need! tell your horrid mother not to fucking bother, what an old cow, your dcs only need you, not that nasty snobby unpleasant bint.

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 18:30

@thebabe and yes, that’s how I feel most of the time too- we are happy in our little life- I live in a great town. It’s the constant sense from DM that I am not good enough and have fucked up my life because I don’t have loads of cash/ material possessions

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 28/03/2019 18:31

Next time the kids want to know why, ask them to ask her. Rinse and repeat.
See what she says when they ask.

Zoflorabore · 28/03/2019 18:31

She's a disgrace op!

Unless I win the lottery then I'm unlikely to ever buy my own house but you know what? I'm fine with that and I have siblings and step siblings who do own and it doesn't bother me. She sounds like a small minded snob.

How the fuck are you supposed to buy this mythical big house? With Monopoly money? Some people have no clue.

Don't give it another thought Flowers

RidiculousFoodBills · 28/03/2019 18:34

Inremember exactly same thread. Are you still having the issue or are you a perfect soul mate for the other op?

DarlingNikita · 28/03/2019 18:34

She sounds horrible.

Next time the kids want to know why, ask them to ask her… See what she says when they ask.

I agree with this.

Susanna30 · 28/03/2019 18:34

When is she giving you the deposit for a lovely big house?? Like loads of parents kindly do. Including mine.

How dare she belittle you like this. It's absolutely HER problem, not yours. It's her loss not seeing DGC. Try and put her silly attitude out of your mind, doesn't sound as though she's worth your time anyway.

thebabessavedme · 28/03/2019 18:35

oh love! I'm a dm, have a wonderful dd and dgs, I truly cannot imagine being anything other than very proud of them, tbh, both dd and sil are very 'new age', they dont need 'stuff', are so happy in their little rented home and are making such a lovely family - your dm is a moo, seriously, live your own life, to your own beat, for your own happiness and well being, if she can't accept it, fuck her off!

TheYoungOffendersMum · 28/03/2019 18:36

My DB has only shown any interest in me since we started buying a flat. I cannot stand snobs.

Chloemol · 28/03/2019 18:37

Next times she says anything I would just say you can’t afford to move, you don’t earn what your step siblings? earn. I would also tell her that her comments are upsetting you a lot, that she is making you feel worthless, and your children are suffering as they don’t understand why she won’t visit. If there is money in her household perhaps she could stay in a hotel nearby? If she won’t listen then tell her you are going nc for your own sanity and to stop your children from hurting. Advise her that when she is ready to accept you for who you are, and to visit then you would be happy to reengage and she has to make the first move

BottleOfJameson · 28/03/2019 18:37

If this is really the reason then she's massively unreasonable. I would ask her straight out in a non accusatory way to see how she reacts. e.g, "the kids have been asking after you, I was wondering if there was anything stopping you coming to visit more often, perhaps we could do something to make it more comfortable for you".

If it's too far to come for a day maybe she feels worried about not having her own space? Waking everyone up going to the bathroom in the night?

If it's because she can't cope in a small, rented house then she's got serious issues!

Babyfoal · 28/03/2019 18:37

Your mother is a bellend. Money doesn't equal success or happiness

AnotherEmma · 28/03/2019 18:37

I strongly recommend that you read the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

Your mother is indeed toxic and her appalling attitude is a reflection on her, not you.

Presumably she treated you and your siblings very differently when you were all growing up? Has she given them more opportunities and money (in the form or gifts or loans) over the years?

In any case, if she won't visit, it's hurtful but it really is her loss.

Hope your PILs are nicer!

ApolloandDaphne · 28/03/2019 18:38

It is your DM who is a disgrace and an embarrassment, not you. What a crashing snob.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 28/03/2019 18:41

Have you posted this before (Not that that's a crime!).

I would ignore it. You can't pull more cash out of a hat.

mumwon · 28/03/2019 18:44

hmm so golden children are her husbands - ie she isn't married to your father? I would love to know if she was born in a rental house or lived in one before she married him... op let it slide - my dm found millions of reasons why she wouldn't visit - it hurt but you mustn't let it spoil your life - you can rent & take care & pride in your home & be happy with what you earn & making your family's life happy. Be proud of being a happy family - many golden families tend to be selfish & unhappy & often split up later in life -

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 18:45

@selkie I have posted about this before - posting again as it’s got worse and am trying to decide if to have it out with her Sad

OP posts:
whyohwhyohwhyoh · 28/03/2019 18:47

I wouldn't have it out with her I'd be cutting her off!