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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM won’t visit us because we rent

58 replies

Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 18:17

DM is embarrassed we rent a tiny house. She makes this clear every time we speak as she says things like ‘it’s ridiculous you live in that house’ ‘and when are you going into move to a bigger house’ etc etc.
We can’t afford to buy or rent a bigger house. Her husband has 2 ‘golden children’ that live in massive houses they own so it’s made clear regularly that we are the black sheep.
But she’s only see her grandkids once for a few hours in the last year- she won’t visit us and I think it’s because we are an embarrassment to her.
Aibu to have it out with her? My DCs ask why she never comes to visit. It makes me feel so crap & such a failure in my life- we just can’t afford to buy.

OP posts:
NWQM · 28/03/2019 18:48

I think you have to have it out with her unless you already want to go no contact. You've made the effort to go and see her so now it is over to her.

thedisorganisedmum · 28/03/2019 18:49

I would reply that you are awfully embarrassed to be the only one who wasn't given a house or at least the deposit and more by their parents.

The only one allowed to feel anything about your accommodation is you. It's none of anyone else's business, mother included.

FrozenMargarita17 · 28/03/2019 18:52

I'd be cutting her off op. It's not worth the aggro! Your dc won't be losing anything.

MadAboutWands · 28/03/2019 18:55

Her issue about ybeing u renting says much more about her than about you. Don’t be embarrassed about her own embarrassment!! It’s her problem to deal with.
Instead be proud of what you have achieved. Nit all successes are material far from and many people who have successed financially haven’t done so in other areas (eg relationhsip etc...).

As for your mum, can I ask if she has managed herself to get a big house etc...? I mean as managing to buy a big house herself, not relying on a richer husband to buy it.

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 18:57

@mad they have a nice house- they downsized but they live up north where it’s loads cheaper to live. I am in the south (and yes could move but have good career, kids are happy in school etc) - my plan is to see the kids through school if possible then move to a cheaper area!

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 28/03/2019 18:59

Flip it.
Its ridiculous that you judge me in such a shallow way.
I’m let down that you don’t show my kids you care.
You’re not living up to MY standards.

Think its her turn to visit.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 28/03/2019 19:00

Your Mother is a toxic snob, my in-laws are the same, thankfully we are NC. Why would you want contact with someone so toxic? This is unhealthy for you and your dc!

We live in a lovely three/ four bed semi detached bungalow in a lovely area. FIL sId ‘I suppose it will do for a starter’ with a bloody sneer!

A good parent wouldn’t care if you lived in a bedsit or a caravan, they would just love you no matter what! Your Mothers love comes with conditions, I bet your love for your dc does not!

Have a look at these websites

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-
relationships/201802/daughters-narcissistic-mothers

lonerwolf.com/narcissistic-mother-father/

www.narcissisticmother.com/daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers

I would have a read of the stately homes thread on the relationship board and also read the book ‘Toxic parents’ By Susan Forward

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 28/03/2019 19:02

Oops this is the first link

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201802/daughters-narcissistic-mothers

percheron67 · 28/03/2019 19:03

I feel so sorry for you. She does sound very odd.

madcatladyforever · 28/03/2019 19:03

I'd be livid. It's very hyacinth bucket.

thedisorganisedmum · 28/03/2019 19:07

If you think about it, it's quite sad that someone feels they haven't got anything to show for them, and need to use their children successes instead.

It's quite common, but it's still sad. It's not on you OP, enjoy your own life and try not to be too upset your mother didn't help you financially when so many others did.

You just have to balance what's more important: your children happy to visit your mother from time to time because you make the effort, or your family being happier without the toxic comments.

NoShoeShops · 28/03/2019 19:09

Tell her you’re embarrassed about her efforts of being a grandma.

Tachy · 28/03/2019 19:12

Tell her all the reasons you're embarrassed of her and then block her and never speak to her again. She sounds awful.
In the nicest possible way, i can't see why you want someone so awful in your children's lives, it's not exactly what you want to be teaching your children.

Dragongirl10 · 28/03/2019 19:21

Op she sounds vile.....next time she makes a comment say 'shame on you for being such a pretentious snob, to your own family'

Moominfan · 28/03/2019 19:22

She sounds toxic op. I'd be glad she doesn't visit

Torridon19 · 28/03/2019 19:23

It sounds wonderful that this horrible, insensitive person doesn't visit you and doesn't constantly influence your kids in her image/outlook on life - you've knocked it out of the park here OP !!! ...

LakieLady · 28/03/2019 19:28

What an unutterable snob.

A happy home is more important than a big one OP, and I'd be telling her that. It's a pity she can't see it, the narrow-minded old bat.

gubbsywubbsy · 28/03/2019 19:29

Tell her to fuck off .. she is a horrible person for treating you like that ... Don't even bother discussing it .. she is toxic !!

PlasticPatty · 28/03/2019 19:31

Why not gradually let the nasty woman slip out of your life? What are you getting out of this relationship which is good for you and your children?

Japonicaflower2 · 28/03/2019 19:33

In 21 years my parents have visited 5times (they live 14 miles away, both used to drive), 3 times we fetched them. Because we live in an ex MOD red brick semi 'It looks like a council house '
Deeply hurtful and now they wonder why I don't see them more than once every 10 days or so.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2019 19:33

I would steer clear of anyone like that.

What was her financial situation when she was your age?

Dippypippy1980 · 28/03/2019 19:53

IS this true?

Your mother has no relationship with your children because she disapproves of your accommodation?

I suspect there is a lot more to this

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 28/03/2019 19:59

@dippy there really isn’t any more to it. She genuinely is embarrassed of me compared to her husbands kids - we don’t earn enough, own a home etc. It’s really clear on the rare occasions they do visit that the husband truly thinks we are second class citizens & they make it known. He definitely influences her but they are both snobbish & rude

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 28/03/2019 20:02

Have they been together long? How old were you when they got married?

What about your dad?

countrygirl99 · 28/03/2019 20:04

Speaking from experience, even if you had a bigger house and newer car than the golden children you would still be in the wrong. Probably even if they hadn't worked for a year, were deeply in debt and about to be evicted you would still be told they were doing better than you so stop worrying and feeling bad.