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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get fed up with dh constantly coming home from work late?

64 replies

barney2 · 05/07/2007 17:24

....he leaves early (7am) and not home until late (gone 7pm) - he doesn't get paid any extra for the extra hours he does, he works extremely hard.....but I'm the one stuck at home with two kids, doing all the jobs around the house, work part-time too....I'm beginning to feel very relied upon and somewhat left on the shelf.

OP posts:
sugar34plum · 05/07/2007 17:30

barney2 why doesnt he get paid for overtime? is he trying for a promotion?

CaptainUnderpants · 05/07/2007 17:39

Mine is the same , I also work part time , howver he does get paid overtime, which does help. But sometimes it is nice for the kids to see their Dad, money cant compensate for that.

rabster · 05/07/2007 17:42

omg this is all so familiar! See this thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2724&threadid=351020&stamp=070705172126

I also get EXTREMELY fed up with dh's working hours..

PeachesMcLean · 05/07/2007 17:46

Tell me about it. It's not that my DH works hours quite as long as that, but he's rarely home before 6 (should be able to finish and be home by 5) It's that I have to finish work every day bang on the dot to get DS from the childminder. I don't that kind of flexibility but he can do what he likes.

And I'm paid more. Grrr.... So why does he think he's more important?

Oblomov · 05/07/2007 18:12

I have just had 'words' with dh. He has a new job as an Operations manager. Supposed to finish at 4.30. He says that I don't understand that senior managers are expected to do this. Maybe I am naieve. I have worked in many companies and audited many companies. I expect people to do their contracted hours. I know senior managers must do more from time-to-time, but not every day.

Original poster
barney2 · 05/07/2007 18:18

DH is a Service Engineer and covers a very large part of the country - ie all the Southern Counties from one end to the other and covers Wales, London, and some parts of Northern England. He drives up and down the motorways and when he does come home he's so tired from having spent so long sat in his car that he's not in the mood for kids and play. He is expected on the road early in the morning so he can be at his first job by 8am and rarely leaves a site until 5pm, hence why he doesn't get in the door until later in the evening. He doesn't get overtime - its not something his company do.

I get so fed up with this though because whilst the money is good and pays the bills its the quality of life that suffers. Our kids are 8 & 3 and tbh rarely see him. I work weekends so they don't get much time with us all together.

He's away tonight and tomorrow night on a course so that's him away until Saturday morning. The kids are used to it but its me that I worry about. I get so stressed out with the daily running of a home plus I work part-time during the week and the constant ferrying around between school and playgroup plus work is like a juggling act.

I just keep remembering back to pre-children days - when I held down a really good well paid job and gave it up to become a SAHM. I went through college and gained all my qualifications....what for? to become a SAHM? I'm almost 40 and I feel like I'm a lot older than that sometimes.

OP posts:
SweetyDarling · 05/07/2007 18:21

Everywhere I've ever worked people would have been talked about (by colleagues as well as management) for clock watching and leaving exactly on the dot of thier contracted hours. Those hours are generlly seen as a bare minimum IME.
Doesn't make it fun for you though .

Jacanne · 05/07/2007 19:15

Not unreasonable - my DP is in a similar position. I have to try and be reasonable about it because it is the nature of his job. He is quite senior, is paid a decent wage (but no overtime either) which funds our comfortable life-style and allows me to be a SAHM. I know that it really upsets him that he sometimes goes 2 or 3 days without seeing the girls. Unfortunately it is just expected at his work, he is one of the only ones with a family but if he didn't do it he wouldn't be seen as pulling his weight and...well we'd probably have him home all the time.

I used to moan alot but he lost his job at the beginning of the year and we had a brief period of panic. I guess it is bearable for me because I know he'd rather be here.

However, I do find the "my day's been worse than your's" debates intensely irritating as well as the "I'd swap with you any day" comments

Original poster
barney2 · 05/07/2007 19:22

DH does work extremely hard but then so do I except I don't get paid for it, don't get a break from kids, have very little spare time and generally feel permanently knackered. He doesn't get paid any extra for the extra hours spent in motorway queues, for the hours spent in the evenings catching up with his paperwork and for the phone calls we get at home from his colleagues.

I do enjoy being a SAHM but I do feel taken for granted at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
barney2 · 05/07/2007 19:24

Oh and the other thing that bugs me is when either of the kids are ill or the schools have one of their many teacher training days its ME who has to take the time off work to be home or change my hours.

OP posts:
FioFio · 05/07/2007 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

deltamum · 05/07/2007 19:34

Do any have your DH say things like: 'I am the only one that works my socks off here' or ' I put a roof over yours and the childrens head, you should be grateful'. He works very long hours BTW, and keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I, on the other hand, is a frustrated stay at home mum that hates relying on anyone but my DH makes me feel that I am a freeloader.

ComeOVeneer · 05/07/2007 19:36

Dh hasn't been home from work before 11pm all this week, and that isn't unusual. I am just used to it, and have got dealing with the house/children etc down to a fine art.

mireadsmum · 05/07/2007 19:49

My DP has a good job which ends as soon as he returns home, I keep thinking how nice it would be to have the same!

Original poster
barney2 · 05/07/2007 20:01

I'm lucky - my dh doesn't go on about being the main provider financially but I think he forgets how lucky he is coming home to a meal on the table/in the oven and having all the jobs done at home covered, kids bathed and ready for bed, sarnies made for the following day etc etc....when I work weekends I'm lucky if I come home to a cup of tea!

OP posts:
Original poster
barney2 · 05/07/2007 21:38

.

OP posts:
Bouncingturtle · 05/07/2007 21:47

Once your management you are expected to put in a certain amount of unpaid overtime. It is shit though. If all the managers worked their contracted hours most companies would find they would need to hire more to cover the work that wasn't been done. It is shit though and can totally understand your frustration. Both my DH and I are managers and we both woek long hours which we know will have to end once baby arrives. But it'll be tough!

clutteredup · 05/07/2007 21:48

I'm in the same situeation Barney - my DH works away 3 days and locally 2, is away at least one night a week, and mostly home too late for the DC either mostly due to work but also for work do's or last minute jollies , tonight a case in point. We have 3 DC , DD2 6 mo and still up often twice at night. DH tired at the weekends - due to busy job - we row regularly on Sat am - as I am knackered and feel he should be a bit more proactive at rhe weekend with the DC - ie not plonk them in front of the TV and read the paper in the morning.
Sorry your post not mine to complain, I won't go on - but just to say I do understand how you feel. I often feel better after a night out with the girls - booked in advance and written in red in his diary - we don't go out till 7.30 or 8 for same reasons. A night off once in a while does help - at least I feel I get soem time off too.

3littlefrogs · 05/07/2007 22:11

Dh still isn't home. He left at 7 am this morning. I have had 23 years of it. No prospect of it ever getting better until he retires - if he doesn't have a heart attack first.

Original poster
barney2 · 06/07/2007 07:27

Hiya all. Well I've not seen dh since yesterday morning....he left at 7am, did a day's work and a lot of driving and stayed at a colleague's place last night in readiness for being away again today and tonight - due home tomorrow. He has to be home by 9am for me to go to work.

He didn't ring last night because I told him not to - it doesn't help the kids if he rings because they get upset (the youngest being 3) - he texted instead.

I do worry about him - he always looks so tired and gets so tired he hasn't the energy to play with the kids. At bedtime he can barely stay awake to read them a story. Not much fun for the kids is it when they've hardly seen him?

A typical scenario is for him to spend the evening sat in front of his laptop doing his paperwork/expenses/reports etc etc and me sat with the remote control. Not much fun for me either but its become such a way of life for us - I then end up going to bed with a book and he takes over the remote control and that's the end of our day - me falling asleep and him crawling into bed during the early hours to get just a few hours sleep before he's up at half 5 and off again for another 12-15hr day.

When he has time off it takes him days to 'switch off' and I have to ask him to keep his mobile off otherwise it'll ring pretty much most of the day. The odd thing is is that when he is at home he gets under my feet and, I hate to say this, he gets in my way! It's as if I've become so used to him not being here I don't want him here. I'm talking in circles aren't I???!!!

OP posts:
fillyjonk · 06/07/2007 07:47

"If all the managers worked their contracted hours most companies would find they would need to hire more to cover the work that wasn't been done"

well um

they SHOULD really hire more people then, shouldn't they? Its all part of family friendly working. If he has contracted hours he has a legal right to work only those hours.

I do feel a fair bit of this comes down to men being unwilling to take a stand and a resultant not-quite-so-fast promotion if they say "no, sorry, I need to go home and see my family". And yes that might mean being talked about. so bloody what? family should be more important. no one says, on their deathbed, "oh if only i'd worked harder, seen less of my family, and got that promotion to Drudge Level 2".

Women have to do this all the time. A lot of men also do it. dp is a pretty senior manager and he leaves on time and, since having kids, has ALWAYS put them first. It has affected his career to some extent, but not hugely-he might have been where is now, two years ago, if we hadn't had kids. small price to pay really.

SauerKraut · 06/07/2007 07:50

Wot Fillyjonk said, ho yes. With a vengeance.

fillyjonk · 06/07/2007 07:50

barney, i don't think thats a good sustainable, situation for a marriage.

you are not seeing each other, basically. unsuprisingly thus he is not used to the household routine and you don't really like having him around.

am guessing that he doesn't see much of the kids.

you are not happy

think you need to have a serious talk with him re priorities. how old are the kids?

SauerKraut · 06/07/2007 07:52

Especially the men being unwilling to take a stand bit. They seem to lose all sense of perspective. The world will fall down if such and such isn't done by tonight.....

SauerKraut · 06/07/2007 07:58

We had to sort this out in our family and it came down to Dh changing jobs. He is an engineer too, although not the same sort as yours. He did and it's a lot better now. I realise this isn't a possibility for everyone, but perhaps it is something to discuss.