to not get fed up with dh constantly coming home from work late?

[barney2]

....he leaves early (7am) and not home until late (gone 7pm) - he doesn't get paid any extra for the extra hours he does, he works extremely hard.....but I'm the one stuck at home with two kids, doing all the jobs around the house, work part-time too....I'm beginning to feel very relied upon and somewhat left on the shelf.

Kids are 8 and 3 and yes I have spent many an hour talking to him..... I'm not one to sit in the corner and let life just walk me by. I have tried to get him to change jobs - there's plenty more out there he could do - he's a very skilled man (ex-army) but he won't change and having just been promoted he wants to put all the hours in to prove to himself and others that he can do the work expected of him. I've told him money isn't everything - quality of life with your wife and kids is. His answer to this is 'we'll talk about it when we have more time'....and this never happens because....well....it never happens.

Before he knows it the kids will be grown up and will have flown the nest. He misses out on all the school activities - sports day etc. He doesn't see them until its too late in the day to hold any sensible conversation with them. He relies on me to tell him what they are up to at school with friends etc.

I look at him and think he's not the man I married all those years ago - he's got to look very old and withdrawn. I do worry about him and try to help/advise as much as I can but it's like talking to a brick wall.

In the meantime I just carry on with my work, being a full-time Mum and keeping the house going. Not the life I wanted but I seem to be left with.

I agree if he has contracted hours he should only work those hours....but being a Field Service Engineer - ie driving up and down the country - he can't physically work within his paid hours - 8-5. He works well beyond those hours - he's gone by 7am and not home until gone 7pm and regularly away during the week overnight.

He'll be on his way home and be given a job which means having to turn around and travel back up the motorway he's just come down - he can say no, but he never does - I tell him the company won't go into liquidation if he refuses to go but being the loyal soft character he is he puts the company first, before seeing his kids and wife waiting for him at home.

What sort of work does he do ?

well theres you problem, barney, saying no

the company won't go into liquidation (and who cares really? engineers are very employable).

what about your marriage going into liquidation? seriously, i couldn't stay with dp if all we did was me staring at the tv while he worked.

its not noble to sacrifice your family because you don't like saying no. its spineless.

re the contracted hours, i don't see how this is an insurmoutable problem from the companies pov. they just don't want to pay more engineers.

You're right filly. They've recently had guys resign and they've not been replaced due to making cut backs - they've a huge turnover but they're always trying to save money - but as a result they push the remaining engineers to their limit and expect them to travel miles to do one job.

He can't refuse a job - for fear of being disciplined but they will give him a job miles away from where he is at, say, 2pm and expect him to go there, which he does = late home in the evening. He can drive anything between 250-450 miles per day. Madness in my view.

Problem is is that dh is on such a good wage and if he were to leave he'd obviously get something similar using the experience he has and it'll pay even less money and probably similar hours - we can't afford for him to take a drop in pay - not atleast until I can get back to full-time work which won't be till dd2 is at school and even then I can only work between 9-3.

barney-there ARE avenues he can use.

does he have a union or can he join one?

what they are doing IS pretty much illegal.

Can you really not take a salary drop? In a similar situation (me with unpredictably long hours, unpaid o/t, dp with predictably long, but 100% paid, hours), I gave up work. YES we are bloody skinter than before, esp since our mortgage was taken out with 2 f/t jobs in mind (prekids). but family life is a LOT better and really thats what matters.

I am also comfortable with going into debt to stay at home for the early years of my kids lives, though i have not had to really so far. but it is massively important to me, and its not to this government.

No we can't take a salary drop. We've got a largish mortgage and various other debts that need to be paid. He is just such a push-over when it comes to work - he rarely says 'no' when being given another job which may cause him to be late home. I've not heard from him at all during today. I don't even know where he is - probably London. He knows I'm here and I know he'll ring eventually especially to speak to the kids before they go to bed. He's due home tomorrow and we'll be passing ships because I need to be out the door by 9am to go to work myself.

It's not a healthy relationship, I know that. I've been married to him for almost 14yrs. I just feel like he's becoming a stranger as each day passes.

No he doesn't work with the Forces now. He left the army 10 years ago after doing 12 years abroad - mainly Germany.

I also work during the week - whilst my youngest is at playgroup and the elder one at school. I work as a Carer looking after the terminally ill who want to stay in their own homes and keep their independence. I enjoy my job - it is rewarding and well paid and I like to be able to help.

Yes DH has the kids at weekends - he has to, I don't have anyone else to look after them who don't have kids themselves.

I know we're in a rut. I just don't know how to get out of it.

Peaches that is so sexist. How could any woman tolerate it?
You earn more. Your job comes first therefore he collects from the child minder. That would be norm in most couples surely? Plenty of men rush home to let nannies off duty in London where their wives have proper careers or they alternate.
" PeachesMcLean on Thu 05-Jul-07 17:46:57
Tell me about it. It's not that my DH works hours quite as long as that, but he's rarely home before 6 (should be able to finish and be home by 5) It's that I have to finish work every day bang on the dot to get DS from the childminder. I don't that kind of flexibility but he can do what he likes.

And I'm paid more. Grrr.... So why does he think he's more important? "

You are right Xenia about it being sexist. The bit I disagree with is how it's tolerated. First, I pick my arguments carefully. If I can't change something, I DO NOT get wound up about it (doesn't mean it's forgotten though). Second, I may have painted a slightly worse picture than reality. I'm paid only marginally more than DH (though as I work in the charity sector - notorious for its lower wages, and DH works for a major blue chip company, so I'm clearly worth more () So I do like to rub it in a little that I earn a tad more.

It's the employers who are sexist rather than DH. He's in a rather old fashioned culture (especially in this part of the country) and he's under pressure to do longer hours. I've started my job as I mean to go on and it's a forward thinking, family friendly environment. I will not work long hours as a matter of course on principle and I don't think it has damaged my career. We do do overtime for events and special projects, but the point is that it's not all the time. No one should work in a long hours culture and what concerns me more is the staff who comply to it, because they think it does them good, and therefore the managers just think all is rosey and the staff love their work so much they stay late.
Finally, to be fair to DH, I do work away sometimes and on those occasions DH has to get to work late and leave early in order to collect DS on time. He does accept that. So life's not so bad in the McLean household.

If my dh was home before 6pm I wouldn't have anything to moan about....but he's not, hence why I started this thread. I don't have a childminder - I can't afford one - I don't put my kids in full-time nursery - I can't afford to. I'm a part-time employed SAHM trying to make ends meet with a dh I rarely see who is also trying to make ends meet.

And had I stayed in full-time employment rather than give it up to become a SAHM I'd also be earning either the same or more than my DH and I can safely say it would make absolutely no difference as to who would pick the kids up/drop off at school - it takes two to make a baby therefore you must expect to divide the responsibility down the middle too....and I also wouldn't remind dh that I earnt more than him - it all goes in the same pot and pays the bills.

.

"You earn more. Your job comes first therefore he collects from the child minder."

REALLY don't agree with that

you are both working, you both have kids. You take EQUAL responsibility for the childcare

otherwise, because in most couples the woman earns less, she will end up doing most of the childcare related stuff and so ultimately have her job eroded

When I was working I earnt less than dp, not because I was less qualified or anything, simply because I am 7 years younger than him and so 7 years further down the career ladder. To take sole responsibility for childcare would have widened the disparity further.

I do wonder which planet Xenia is on sometimes....I couldn't quite believe she put 'you earn more. Your job comes first therefore he collects from the childminder'...how sexist is that?

Like I have already said if I earnt more or less than dh it makes absolutely no difference to who takes care of the kids, picks up from school etc etc. Its a 50/50 split regardless of who brings home the most money - its not a contest! Its a case of each taking equal responsibility.

I've read some other bits Xenia has written and tbh she does have a tendency to wind people up so praps I ought to ignore her threads?

I don't think Xenia was being sexist. Her argument would be the same whichever sex earned more.
What she's saying is if it came to one job going, it would surely be the lower paid one. Therefore best to protect the higher paid one IF necessary.

I don't think Xenia was suggesting that if a job was to 'go' the lower paid one would. What she was stating was that when it came to either parent picking up a child the lower paid one should. And I quote 'you earn more, your job comes first, he picks up from the CM'. It's that quote that I disagree with.

still not sexist

Well I'd say it were a sexist comment - sorry if you don't agree.

I'm not going to waste my time talking about her comments - I don't agree with what she had to say and considering the fact that I didn't initially bring up the subject of who earns more etc I think we'll leave her comments out of it.

Ok - I'm not disagreeing or agreeing with her point - I'm just saying that it can't be sexist because it wasn't judges on which sex had the job - just who earned the most.

OK - I see your point and praps it wasn't a sexist comment but regardless of that what xenia put is hardly relevant to my initial post and I still disagree with what she put - it doesn't matter who earns the most it is still a shared and joint responsibility as to who looks after children - it shouldn't be expected that the lower paid earner does the running around - which is what xenia was stating.

If I earnt more than my dh I wouldn't expect him to make sure he was around to do the four school runs I do each day.

If he really needs to work that late every day, the post may not be planned well. Otherwise it may be that he needs to get better organised or to stop accepting extra little jobs if there is not enough time to complete them in a reasonable time.

I have made a deal with DH, he is a bit of a workaholic and used to arrive home late and continue working after dinner. I have asked him to arrive here on time to spend more time with DS and to help around, as soon as DS is in bed he can continue working. This agreement allow for my DS to see his father at a reasonable time (and for the teachers and me to avoid the knock out effect of having an tired stroppy kid the day afterwards), and it doesn't make a huge dent in the amount of time DH has opted to spend in working. It only moves his dinner earlier for the benefit of the whole family.

He has assured me, whilst talking to him this morning, that he is going to say no to extra work when he is travelling home - which is part of his problem because he's always been one to help out and go out of his way to help - not just with this job but that's just the way he is whether its work or home life.

I think part of my problem is envy, believe it or not.

I miss not getting up in the morning, dressing nicely (not the usual jeans and t-shirt I seem to live in nowadays) and going off to work for the day and coming home, having a tea, having a quiet evening and enjoying the rest of my day. I miss the buzz of being part of a team, having a laugh at work, enjoying the social side of working, works parties etc etc. I worked full-time for 15 years before I had children and I do really miss it. But until such time as my youngest is at primary school (Sept 08) I won't be able to get back into work and even then my evenings will be taken up with kids etc.

I envy my dh going early, enjoying a quiet drive in the car, listening to music....me? I usually have two kids on the backseat, moaning the music is on too loud and bombarding me with questions.

That's not envy, is longing for a fairer division of the work share.

BTW, he can always accept more jobs as long as he promises reasonable delivery times. The problem is not trying to do more but saying that it could be done for yesterday! added point of being realistic about deadlines is that people gets to respect your opinion and work rather than thinking you are the poor slow employee never able to finish things on time.