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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not get fed up with dh constantly coming home from work late?

64 replies

barney2 · 05/07/2007 17:24

....he leaves early (7am) and not home until late (gone 7pm) - he doesn't get paid any extra for the extra hours he does, he works extremely hard.....but I'm the one stuck at home with two kids, doing all the jobs around the house, work part-time too....I'm beginning to feel very relied upon and somewhat left on the shelf.

OP posts:

justgivemeoneminute · 07/07/2007 13:29

I just see myself as 'housewife' and 'Mother' and I'm not, I'm 'ME' too and its about having a true identity and I don't know how many times I've shouted and screamed desperate to be 'ME' and to have a break from housework, kids and work.

I love my dh dearly but I feel like I've been left on the shelf and I'm certainly not the person he married all those years ago.

Judy1234 · 07/07/2007 13:32

That what comes of giving up work. Go back full time and he'll just have to get on with organising and paying his half of the child care etc. It will certainly help you feel like a proper person again and also take some of the stress and strain of having to earn everything off him too which many men don't like.

bozza · 07/07/2007 13:51

On this business of whether or not Xenia's comments that the lowest earner should pick up the children and whether or not that is sexist because the woman is the lower earner in the majority of couples. I don't think it is sexist. I think the fact that often women do make all the compromises, have the days off with sick children, do the childcare runs, go part time etc is why they are the lower earner in many cases.

Although personally I think it shoudl be split where possible. And our standard routine is for me to get out of the house and into the office early while DH does breakfast, childcare drop offs, which means I can finish early (I am likely to be made redundant in the next few months so am very much clock watching) and get home to do the after school things (swimming lesson, football practice, tea, reading, spellings) a bit sooner and DH often comes home to a meal on the table.

justgivemeoneminute · 07/07/2007 14:26

Go back to full time work? How exactly? I have a 3yr old who goes to nursery for 2 1/2 days per week during which time I do work. And as for 'earn everything off him'...what exactly do you mean xenia? Do you mean I live off him and that some men don't like that? It's a fact of life I'm afraid. Some Mum's can't afford childcare and the freedom to return to work.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 07/07/2007 15:17

Don't rise up to her, she is just stiring things up. Besides... no matter how good your arguments/reasons may be, she won't hear other than her own opinion.

Judy1234 · 07/07/2007 15:51

They should get better paid jobs then. I worked with a 2.5 year old full time and lost of other women do. It would make you a lot happier too. Just my view. Feel free to ignore it.

muppetgirl · 07/07/2007 15:53

....here we go again.
Red rag to a bull comment from Xenia.

LoveMyGirls · 07/07/2007 16:21

Sept 08 isn't all that long away and as the children get older it will egt easier, your evening should be your own (mine are and my children are 8 and 1) they are both in bed asleep by 8pm at the latest. Insist on time to do things to make you feel like you. eg personally i have chosen things that are important to me and we go out of our way to ensure i get them as often as possible, simple things like getting my eyebrows waxed, haircuts at least twice a year, massage at least twice a year, dp bath's dd2 most nights, we take it in turns to have lie-ins, he takes the kids out while i deep clean the house sometimes (this really benefits us all, he gets quality time with kids i get some alone time - even if i am cleaning i find it therapeutic and feel i can handle the week with everything in its place at the start of it, its easier to keep on top of it meaning i can relax in the evenings.

I decided after i'd had my first dd at 17 that whatever i did for work would have to fit around my children, that would be my priority until they have left school then i will think about what i'd like to work as. I have tired various jobs to see what works best and personally have found working part time gave me a bit of both worlds, full time turned me into someone who resented working in an office because i didnt see dd enough for my liking. Now i am a childminder and though hard work and unreliable on the money front it's what i enjoy the most and as long as money allows I will continue at least until my children have left school.

justgivemeoneminute · 07/07/2007 21:41

'They should get better paid jobs then' - Xenia.

What are you on? Why make such a pathetic, rude, insulting comment?

If you've got nothing helpful to say why bother?

All the MNetters that I've had contact with have been helpful, caring, lovely people.

I'm sure you're just out there to piss people off. Go get a life.

justgivemeoneminute · 07/07/2007 21:47

Thank you to lovemygirls....nice, kind words. Thank you.

justgivemeoneminute · 07/07/2007 21:48

Oh....by the way, I was 'barney 2' and changed my id today...just in case anyone was a bit puzzled. Sorry!

LoveMyGirls · 08/07/2007 07:35

In a way it's probably been easier for me because i had dd1 so young i hadnt had a chance to build up a career i didnt know what i was missing. I had a slight insight when i got a ft office job but even then it wasn't a high powered career (but was the kind of place people expect you to stay late then go to the pub to socialise etc) and i didn't like it now maybe if i'd got into something else maybe it would have been different.

I felt like it was a pointless job, I've realised the sort of jobs i'm suited to are ones where i can make some kind of difference to someones life like when i was a carer it felt good to know i was helping people who couldn't help themselves and now i'm a childminder its amazing when a child learns something i've been teaching them, skills they will need all their lives, like how to write their name and that's what you have to think, for now at this time in your life you are the person who is able to teach your children these things, they will remember the effort you put in forever and will always appreciate you (except for a few years when they are teenagers maybe but when that blows over and you are still there for them it will be important to them)

Think back and look at your childhood, think about the memories you have, everyday i am with my children i think of how i can give them happy memories on top of stimulating, teaching and above all loving them.

fillyjonk · 08/07/2007 08:30

oh I can see how, in effect, its sexist because women tend to be the ones earning less in society. For a MYRIAD of reasons. Like I said below, I earnt less for the simple reason than that I was YOUNGER than dp, left uni 7 years later, etc.

What concerns me is that if you simply switched round the genders there "because SHE earns less, SHE should pick up from the CM", you have, in effect, a justification for women taking responsibility for childcare.

No. You both work. You sort out childcare according to the HOURS that you work, not your financial contribution to the household.

justgivemeoneminute · 08/07/2007 12:05

Yes filly - I completely agree. Every job has its own commitments - if I were earning £1000s more per year than my DH yet I finished at 3pm every afternoon I would pick up the kids from school.

It would never be a case of 'I earn more than you so you can pick the kids up'....we don't all live in xenia's world. Thank goodness.

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