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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel nothing about unpleasant neighbour dying.

65 replies

Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 11:21

Our 70 year old neighbour has terminal cancer. He has been extremely unpleasant for the last ten years and his barking dogs and other incidents have really damaged our enjoyment of our property.
He's now dying and I feel nothing but relief which is also shared discreetly by another neighbour and with very vocal enjoyment by a third.
How do I handle his next of kin? He's been an utter bastard, I don't feel I could even say 'sorry for your loss'

OP posts:
sonjadog · 11/02/2019 11:22

Just say it to them. You don’t have to feel it particularly yourself. Show some empathy for them.

FriarTuck · 11/02/2019 11:24

But saying 'sorry for your loss' doesn't mean that you're sorry or not that he died, it just means that you're sorry that they've experienced a loss. It's the decent thing to do isn't it?

TheWomanin12B · 11/02/2019 11:25

Maybe just say 'how are you doing/coping?' and let them direct the conversation. Will you have to have contact with them? Do they know how difficult he is? Are they likely to continue the things that have cause you misery?

I wouldn't feel all that sorry either. Reap what you sow and all that.

Barbarafromblackpool · 11/02/2019 11:25

Agree. Just say it if you see them. You're sorry for their loss.
That vocal third neighbour sounds nice.

Tensixtysix · 11/02/2019 11:25

Try to be civil to his relatives. But you could end up with even worse people next door! Don't think ill of the dead. They might haunt you...

ineedaknittedhat · 11/02/2019 11:25

You don't need to say anything to them really.

TheWomanin12B · 11/02/2019 11:26

I wouldn't join in with the third neighbour crowing though. It's a bloody awful way to die.

RiverTam · 11/02/2019 11:26

for all you know his next of kin won't be that bothered either, I doubt he's just a bastard to you.

I wouldn't spend a second worrying about it.

Original poster
Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 11:29

Third neighbour was black comedy hilarious, he's 86, every other word is fuck in a thick accent. The whole of the supermarket got to hear his thoughts.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 11/02/2019 11:34

But saying 'sorry for your loss' doesn't mean that you're sorry or not that he died, it just means that you're sorry that they've experienced a loss. It's the decent thing to do isn't it?

Exactly. It would be pretty heartless not to be sorry that someone is bereaved. Even if he was an arse, his relatives presumably haven’t done anything to you?

HeckyPeck · 11/02/2019 11:35

The third neighbour sounds awful!

Original poster
Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 11:35

Friar tuck I think that's the logical view to have in my head. Along with We are better then them, be the better person.

In contrast, I feel genuinely saddened by the death of a friend of a friend who I've never met. She sounded like a genuinely inspirational lady, flawed but full of energy and spirit. I'm truly sorry for her loss

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 11:38

We'll have to deal with his wife, she's also fairly unpleasant but we've often wondered if that was because of her husband.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/02/2019 11:39

I wouldnt give it a second thought. Dont have to speak to his family- fingers x for better neighbours next.

Badtasteflump · 11/02/2019 11:51

Why do you have to 'deal with' his wife? Unless you have shared land or something, can't you just keep your head down and ignore them? I have selective blindness/deafness when I see people I don't particularly want to engage with!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/02/2019 11:51

My paternal grandmother was that neighbour.

Her NDN said - "I'm sorry for your loss" I said thank you.

She said "I don't mean to be awful, but she was a very difficult woman." I said, "I know."

I was not in the least offended by her comment. GM was a Grade A cowbag.

paintinmyhairAgain · 11/02/2019 11:54

don't speak ill of the dead wtf ?? if they were a bastard in real life they aren't going to change as a result of death !
some compassion for the bereaved of course, but he might have been a bastard towards them too. they might be secretly relieved too that he's gone.

loobyloo1234 · 11/02/2019 11:55

Why would you have to deal with their next of kin? totally missing the point of the AIBU

Badtasteflump · 11/02/2019 11:56

Schaden fair enough but I don't see why NDN had to tell you that. Either you already knew or you didn't, nothing to be gained by saying it. I think it's rude - she had no idea if that comment was going to upset you or not.

Grace212 · 11/02/2019 12:01

in what way do you have to "deal" with his wife?

you might find when the time comes, that you can say "sorry for your loss" and mean it - you never know. Being sorry for someone else's loss is different than your feelings about the person.

SpanielEars070 · 11/02/2019 12:01

He was an utter bastard. So why does he deserve your respect just because he's got cancer? You don't need to be rude to his next of kin but I certainly wouldn't roll the red carpet out either.

Antonin · 11/02/2019 12:06

Say it must be a relief to them that his suffering is over.
You can truly be thankful for that in a twisted way?

MrsJayy · 11/02/2019 12:07

You don t have to gush over his wife or family if you come across the wife just say how are you doing Mrs ... then leave it . You don't have to feel anything or be the bigger person just acknowledging his wifes grief is a kind thing to do.

NotTheFordType · 11/02/2019 12:07

Why would you even come into contact with these people?

lottiegarbanzo · 11/02/2019 12:10

You're using the phrase 'sorry for your loss / her loss' wrongly. It is meant to express sympathy to the relative, for their loss (without entering into any speculation about their feelings about it).

You're not saying you're sorry the person has died. You're expressing sympathy to a living person, who has experienced a bereavement.