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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel nothing about unpleasant neighbour dying.

65 replies

Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 11:21

Our 70 year old neighbour has terminal cancer. He has been extremely unpleasant for the last ten years and his barking dogs and other incidents have really damaged our enjoyment of our property.
He's now dying and I feel nothing but relief which is also shared discreetly by another neighbour and with very vocal enjoyment by a third.
How do I handle his next of kin? He's been an utter bastard, I don't feel I could even say 'sorry for your loss'

OP posts:
Fraying · 11/02/2019 13:27

I hope I never come across another human being that makes me feel like this
It's likely you will because it's your feelings and your neighbour doesn't control them.
You're making excuses for the third neighbour (it's darkly comic to express vocal enjoyment about someone dying from cancer - really?) That alone would make me take a long, hard look at the person I was becoming. And if living where you do is having that impact, I'd consider moving. Life is too short to find excuses for a lack of basic humanity.

Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 13:44

I have no control over my third neighbour, I was stood in the middle of the fruit & veg while he talked at me and when I could get a word in edge ways stuck to platitudes/weather/still nice to see you.
We're surrounded by school kids and he's sat in his mobility scooter swearing away. Still he did drop a bag of spuds and a dozen eggs round the next day.

OP posts:
Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 13:48

Fraying I should have insisted on moving ten years ago. We put so much personal effort into our home, it was n't as easy as swapping one house for another but your right it was n't worth the impact.
Optimistically we thought it would get better.

OP posts:
Sukochicha · 11/02/2019 13:54

Say nothing. You don't have to have any contact with the next of kin.

BrokenWing · 11/02/2019 14:52

I have no control over my third neighbour, I was stood in the middle of the fruit & veg while he talked at me

You said he was hilarious, a good start would have been not to think it was funny or share your feeling of relief. A straight faced "come on now George, someone is dying of cancer, whatever we thought of him it isn't pleasant for anyone, especially his family and I don't feel comfortable laughing about it" rather than "unusually sunny today isn't it?"

Fraying is spot on you need to look at the person you are becoming, do you really want to be the person in the supermarket accepting someone joking and laughing with you about a person dying of cancer? Or sharing discrete whispers about being pleased someone is dying of cancer? If you do then fair enough, but don't try to reason what cant be excused.

loobyloo1234 · 11/02/2019 14:53

Nice drip feed there OP. You said unpleasant - he sounds horrific. That being said, just avoid any contact with the family whatsoever then you can stick to saying nothing

WhenTheSkyFalls · 11/02/2019 14:57

Why do you have to deal with neighbours? I've never done more than good morning / evening / nice weather with mine 🤷🏼‍♀️

x2boys · 11/02/2019 15:07

I think your making it all about.you , I'm not best friends with my neighbours ,I'll exchange pleasantries but thats about it if you can't say anything nice when the one comes don't sat anything

Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 15:10

I said unpleasant but it has been horrific, to voice that means the veneer of good manners starts to crumble.

My mistake by 'black comedy halirious' I meant how much worse could it get - school kids out, my deaf neighbours booming voice, in a busy crowded place .... Clearly that's his way of discussing it, I've come on an anonymous internet forum. The reminder of the nursing, the correct way to frame 'sorry for your loss' , etc have been very useful, as has the kick up the arse to not become a hateful person.
Processing this, when your normal human emotions to do with loss don't naturally spring to mind, is difficult.

OP posts:
Apple103 · 11/02/2019 15:12

Keep your feelings to yourself, dont engage with the others who are openly talking about it. If you see his family members, a fake condolence should be enough. In a few weeks life would have moved on and nobody will talk about it, dont make it an issue.

Bubastes · 11/02/2019 15:13

You owe them nothing, OP. They sound horrific.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 11/02/2019 15:24

YABU to be joyful about someone dying and to not want to at least say 'sorry for your loss' to your neighbour.

YANBU to not be sorry he is dying, and to even be slightly glad.

Some people are vile, and they don't suddenly become all lovely and sweet when they die.

An old colleague of mine died 10 years back; he was a vile pig - misogynistic, racist, bad tempered, and utterly vile. He regularly shouted at me at work, and called me names, ranging from 'stupid fucking woman' to 'fat cow.' (I was 9 and a half stone!) When he died from a brain haemorrhage aged 43, I refused to go to his funeral. I was not going to be mourning this individual for all the tea in China.

People at work were not impressed that I refused to go, but I didn't give a shit. I'm not a hypocrite.

BrokenWing · 11/02/2019 16:20

as has the kick up the arse to not become a hateful person.

I'm am pleased for you that it's made you stop and think, it must be difficult switching from hate to showing a bit of restraint and decency when something like this is happening to another family, especially with negative encouragement to keep it going by other neighbours.

You don't need to fawn over his family, go to the funeral or anything like that as you don't know them but showing some consideration during what will be a traumatic time will honestly make you feel like a better person. Be aware of what they are going through and small token gestures that don't take much effort will make you feel more positive in yourself without feeling like you are being taken for a mug, for example, a neutral sorry for your loss sympathy card will show respect when he is gone, if you hear about the funeral date and parking might be an issue around their house discreetly park away from your house that day.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 11/02/2019 16:29

My Mother’s neighbour for twenty odd years was a bloody psychopath and she and all of us felt so much better when we found out he was dead! He had chased my then seven year old brother with a knife (which he was charged for- dB had been playing football in the field behind their garden). He hammered sharp long nails into his fence, so if children tried to climb into his garden to fetch a ball they would/ could be seriously injured.

We grew up terrified of him. He loved our dog, so never harmed her but deliberately threw poisoned meat into the neighbour on his other sides (terraced house he was in the middle between parents and other neighbour) garden, killing their beloved Labrador and seriously harming multiple other dogs over the years! He threatened that neighbours daughter with firebombing their house whilst they slept- she was going through treatment for bone cancer at the time. He threw acid on their cars, put nails under my Dad’s tyres, took gouges across every new car my parents or the neighbours bought! Every time they went out, they had to check under their tyres!

When my dh trimmed my Mothers hedge, the next day he came out and started screaming at my Mother about our hedge encroaching on his garden (Which was so unkept and he spent ages burying things there, the council had it dug up later and it was the bones of small animals), my dh (then df) was staying over and went out to (verbally) defend my Mother and he witnessed him pick up a branch and hit my Mother across the face with it! He then tried to attack dh with a pair of secatares (again he was charged). The council were bloody useless, he was sitting a single man on benefits in a three bedroom house, when families desperately needed family size houses.

He was an evil man, his only friend was a fucking evil disgusting old man, who would bring a toddler girl to his house and they would get drunk all day with that poor baby in there with them 😔. My Mum tried to get social services to do something but as he was visiting and we had no idea of his name they could do nothing. The police just held up their hands and said that it wasn’t a crime to take a child visiting. The evil bastard ‘friend’ was later jailed for multiple accounts of sexual abuse of his little granddaughters who he had custody of, as his daughter was a heroin addict.

For years He would hammer at all times of the night and blare music through the walls. When the police knocked on the door asking if she had seen him recently, she truthfully said she hadn’t seen (or heard) him in over a week and she hoped never to have to see him again. The police knocked the door down in a welfare check later that day, he had been lying dead in bed for some time.

My Mother was relieved and glad the evil sod was finally out of her life. The council had to totally gut and re-wire the house, the workman in disbelief asked my Mum if she had problems with our old neighbour. He invited her in to see the house and on both sides where the party walls were, he had long planks of wood attached to the walls, each plank covered in hundreds of hammered in nails and upstairs in the bedroom that was behind my parents bedroom, he had the same but also had massive speakers lined up against the wall.

Personally I think hell is too good for him! But I hope there is a special place in hell for him, torturing him the way he tortured others.

So no, I don’t think it’s wrong that you feel the way you do about your neighbour. As my Dad says, some people are oxygen thieves! If his wife is just as awful, then don’t say anything, you won’t need to, just live your lives as you normally do.

Cherrypiefilling · 11/02/2019 21:13

I am so sorry ClaireElizabeth to hear how one person over shadowed you & your parents lives.
Growing up I had lovely neighbours, my mum is still in touch and one set called in on me last year. I feel so sad that you & my children will never know the security of being able to call next door in an emergency.
But we survive and I hope your parents can finally enjoy their home 24hours , seven days a week. I and some friends with difficult neighbours have been very surprised at how much it over whelmed day to day living. We all really notice a light feeling when our respective neighbours are away.

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