Should my DD go on 'family day'

[whatdoido33]

I posted a thread the other day about DP's ex not letting him see his children.

He's allowed to have them on Saturday for a couple of hours on the terms that I'm not there

I said to DP I'm sure his girls are missing their baby sister (4 month old) as they haven't seen her in about 3 weeks and are besotted by her when they come over. (She was born very prem and spent 11 weeks in hospital so everyone thinks she's very precious)

I asked DP if he's going to take our DD he said "No it's family day I need to make it all about them" which I understand, but why should my baby miss out on 'family day' with her dad and sisters? He works a lot so we only see him ourselves in the morning and before bed so a bit upset we can't join on the day tbh but I'm not bothered about me.

AIBU to want our baby to join the day or is she too young to even make a difference? Surely she's just as important?

Oh OP....I mean this kindly but yabu.

Your baby is completely unaware of the concept of a "family day" and if she goes, your DP will be completely unable to take notice of his older children.

Your comment about not seeing him much yourselves doesn't cut it either. You live with him. They don;t.

When your DD is a toddler, then he should take her probably but he should balance it also so that each child has one to one time alone with him.

One child at a time. That's vital for ALL children.

Has your DP applied to court for them to deal with arrangements?

Your baby ŵon't notice. However his ex has no rights to stipulate who can and cannot meet her dc unless there is a threat or potential abuse. He needs to out his foot down as the baby will realise eventually and excluding you and her is not sustainable.

Yeah I understand that. However our baby is like a diamond. As long as she's fed she is so happy and doesn't require much attention at all. I think from being at hospital for so long she learnt to self comfort so now she's the happiest and easiest baby ever. I also said if it's gets too much I'll pick her up I think I just want her to be included in the 'family'

I agree with LIZS too. He should be allowed to bring his DDs to be with you and your baby. Why isn't he?

She's too young to notice/care and at that age will take up alot of your partner's time, distracting from the other children. Hopefully a better solution can be figured out before she's a bit older. Personally I wouldnt want to be apart from my baby for the day at that age either.

I don't think her being "like a diamond" comes into it really. He will find it hard to concentrate on his other children with a baby to care for. Also how do you know his kids are besotted by the baby "when they come over" if you're not allowed to be there?

Yabu

He wants to spend time with his other dd's maybe he's felt he's neglected them lately with a tiny baby also now arrived.

I wouldn't take it personally TBH

@AjasLipstick if you read my other thread, his ex is a CF and borderline psychopath 😟 I'm not ex-bashing either. She's completely insane!

She goes through stages of liking me then hating me, she hates me at the minutes because I brought both SDD new clothes and trainers

@AjasLipstick We usually have them quite a lot, but she hates me right now. When we usually have them his youngest DD holds babys hand at every opportunity

YABU on this one. His ex shouldn’t be making such demands, but until there is a court order in place he should do what he has to to spend time with his other DC. As others have said, baby is too young to care and will just get in the way.

In the meantime insist on court. It’s the only way to stop his ex’s power trip.

'As others have said, baby is too young to care and will just get in the way.'

Quite

Get to court over this. It's insanity that's she's dictating the terms of everything. You need a proper court based arrangement that she has to stick to. A court won't ban you from seeing the kids or them from seeing the baby. Once an order is made it's much harder for her to be obnoxious.

For the moment though I'd let him go with his girls and keep the baby home. If contact has been broken for a while the kids need his undivided attention for the moment. The baby isn't going anywhere. They can see her next time.

It’s one occasion when your baby is tiny. Your DP’s older children need him more on this occasion. There will be more family days to come, let this go.

Do you want your DP to feel supported or pulled in two different directions by the mothers of his DC?

Thanks everyone for replies x

I knew I was BU tbf but I don't think IABU about not wanting to jump to her tune

Yes, you need a court order so she can't dictate the visits any more.

No, of course that not unreasonable- she shouldn’t dictate anything now. Make it formal and court-ordered.

I hibkmits totally unfair on the partners children as they aren't getting to see your baby. End of the day kids r innocent and they shouldn't miss out. Ex sounds very bitter tbh. I understand that partner wants to focus on other children on that day as he doesn't get to see them much but they will miss their little sister so in my eyes she should go along for the day

You’re a wee bit UR with your “everybody thinks she’s super precious because she was prem” attitude.

You know that every parent thinks their kids are precious.

I'd not be happy about him calling it 'family day' especially if he's saying it around your DSDs as it sounds like he doesn't consider you and his new baby part of the 'family'. It's good for him to spend time with just his older daughters, but it would be nice if you could bring their little sister to say hello for the last 10 minutes or so of the visit. I don't think that level of control for his ex is a good thing for anyone.

I totally get the idea that he wants to make it all about them.

I’m a bit more at the idea that it’s a family day and therefore baby dd isn’t invited. She is their sister therefore IS part of the family!

It’s a hard situation as Obvioulsy he will want to spend all his time with his dds and make the best out of it wo having to worry about the baby.
On the other side, his dds might well want to see baby dd too.
I think it’s also important that the message of ‘this baby is your sister and is part of the family as much as you are’ important. In his eyes and in their eyes, baby dd shouod be seen as a full member if the family.

So, as a one off, I think it’s is ok.
As a regular occurrence, I wouod have an issue.

Even if she has “banned” you from seeing them I think it is good for him to spend the day with just them actually and I do mean that nicely. It will be good to do things that centre around them without distractions of a new baby.

Dh and I often take dc out separately as it is good for them to be number one for a few hours without siblings around.

Of course you are being totaly totally totally U

Your baby ius a BABY and has zero concept of a 'family' day. She won't miss out.

If your baby goes DP will have to care for the baby and not spend time focusing on his older children who he hardly sees.

This day out is for them, not you and the baby. Then DP needs to go to court and get a court order for contact.