Should my DD go on 'family day'

[whatdoido33]

I posted a thread the other day about DP's ex not letting him see his children.

He's allowed to have them on Saturday for a couple of hours on the terms that I'm not there

I said to DP I'm sure his girls are missing their baby sister (4 month old) as they haven't seen her in about 3 weeks and are besotted by her when they come over. (She was born very prem and spent 11 weeks in hospital so everyone thinks she's very precious)

I asked DP if he's going to take our DD he said "No it's family day I need to make it all about them" which I understand, but why should my baby miss out on 'family day' with her dad and sisters? He works a lot so we only see him ourselves in the morning and before bed so a bit upset we can't join on the day tbh but I'm not bothered about me.

AIBU to want our baby to join the day or is she too young to even make a difference? Surely she's just as important?

Your dp needs to resolve this. Is he paying the full CM? Has he got a court order? It’s easy to brand her ‘crazy’ and play you off against each other, a devoted father would want to minimise conflict and resolve this so the children are best cared for. Your baby has her father resident in her home, I am sure his other children are ‘diamonds’ deserving their fathers time as well.

I would ask yourself why it is suiting dp to have you and his ex at loggerheads when he can resolve this and get a court order.

But it’s not about the baby is it?
It’s about the sdd who should be able to see their siblings if they want to (and they seem to be very keen on said sibling)
And it’s about the fact that the baby IS part of THEIR family. She is her sister too. So it’s not in for the OP’s DP to say she isnt welcome because she isn’t family....

Are they going for a 'day out' ( which case yes, you should go along, baby and all)
Or
he has them for a couple of hours? In which case, leave them to it.

Maybe he wants to make the focus his other girls, without the emphasis being on your precious diamond- they are equally precious in his eyes dont forget

OP, were you the other woman by any chance?
Even if you weren't many ex's can't find excuses to be bitter.
Your partner must feel like he is walking on eggshells especially as there is no court order in place.
In all fairness to him he must feel like he is handling an unexploded bomb because if she was to become belligerent we all know she could make it very difficult for him to see his daughters.
Court order asap then he can put her in her place with the controlling issues.

You need to give him room to rebuild his relationship with the two older kids.

Whilst it’s lovely that they like their half sibling a baby takes time and attention. If he only has a few hours it would be wrong for him to pay attention to the baby and not focus on the girls.

If my exh gf called me " a cf, a borderline psychopath and insane" I'd have issues letting her see my dcs. How mean and angry you are even if she is being difficult about contact. She clearly isn't, as your dp would have custody if she was.
While she might not know just how insulting you are about her she will know how much you hate her and I would imagine so do her DC's
So you're not helping matters with all your hate.
So then you buy her children things knowing how unpleasant things are bewteen you and expect her to be happy about her children wearing them when really that's a passive aggressive way of implying she isn't providing her children with enough clothes. And yes you most definitely are ex bashing.
Expecting your partner to take a baby which will detract from time spent with his daughters is selfish and again forcing yourself into a situation unwanted. You are trying too hard to be more important for some reason and it's back firing.
You baby is precious to you if course but not to everyone else.
You need to tone down the animosity or you'll never resolve anything.
I don't think an ex should dictate who a child can see on visits but in this instance it's is understandable.

And no you aren’t being unreasonable about not wanting to jump to her tune. I presume you guys are trying to get some kind of legally binding contact??

This is a problem to worry about in a year or two. Your 4 months baby doesn't care about family day and would probably rather be at home in the quiet. I do think DP needs to sort this issue out for the future though as of course his DC should have a relationship with their sister. Does he have a court order for contact?

Ps I banned my ex’s new gf from contact with me when I caught her out telling tales about me. Relinquished only after she apologised. Now we get on fine but if she went round calling me a cf, psycho or borderline insane she would be promptly banned again.

You need to remember that however hard it is to like her that she is now a part of the extended family you have opted into. She is your partners daughters mother. If he is to have a good relationship with them I suggest you might want to try treating and talking about her with some respect and friendliness.

FFS let the children see their father this time without a baby in the mix.

I think I remember your last thread if it’s the right one dp is not prepared to go to court so for the couple of hour a week they get with their dad yes I think they should get as much attention as possible. Your baby has his attention the rest of the week

She goes through stages of liking me then hating me, she hates me at the minutes because I brought both SDD new clothes and trainers

Ha ha just reading back through the entire thread, and I can see why there are problems. I'd have gone apeshit if my DDs had come back in outfits bought by their SM. The fact that you'd have done that indicates to me that you don't recognise how ticklish the boundaries are when it comes to someone else's children. If he, their father, chose and bought the clothes for them it would be one thing, or if you were bosom friends with the mother and asked permission. Buying them clothes is part and parcel of the attitude that makes you think it's OK to shoehorn your baby into his meeting with his children. You need to grow a bit of sensitivity and realise you're overstepping boundaries.

(waits for every SM on MN to pile on and abuse me )

Your dd lives with their DF .The step kids don't and yet you still want your DD to muscle in on the few hours they have with their dad.
And don't buy and dress them in clothes you have bought.That is weird and overstepping the mark.

Where did your DP get the phrase "family day" from? It's perfectly reasonable for him to spend time with the girls on their own, but that's a very strange phrase for a man to use who has another child and partner. Has he included his parents or other ILs this time to make it get this term?

Since when did buying clothes for "step" children become a bad thing? I'm sat in my car with a bag full of clothes from next, having bought my own 2 children an outfit each, and my partners daughter an outfit too. She is with her dad 3 days a week, he doesn't have time to go shopping, and it isn't really his thing. If I wasn't around he would do it. But I am, and I'm happy to do it as he does so many things for me and my children too.
Dividing families in to step kids and kids who live with step dad never does anyone any favours.
I've been in every "step" position possible, step kid, for mum and dad's new partners, my own kids have step mum's and now I am a step mum. I've watched examples of close family and friends who model wonderful blended families, and I habe managed to create the same with my own children. This is about them, and wanting those around them to love and care for them, not create resentment when they are around because they remind the new partner of their fathers past life.

OP, you aren't being unreasonable. The problem in this situation is your partners attitude. That attitude of his first 2 children being family, but his youngest somehow is excluded will lead to massive disharmony in your family. Can you have a discussion about the issue? I don't see an issue with him having one on one time with them (or two on one!) but he needs to think about how he views your family to ensure equity amongst the children.

I read your thread abiut the holiday clothes OP. But I think yabu. He is right, if contact has been banned for a while then he needs to focus on the older 2. Sorry a 4 month old requires far too much attention. And I say this as a step mum with a psycho exw to deal with.

Baby won't notice or care that she isn't involved and if the older 2 ask to spend time with her too then he can bring them to see you. His exw cannot dictate who spends time with the kids when they are with him. A court would have her strung up for this alienation

OP, you aren't being unreasonable. The problem in this situation is your partners attitude. That attitude of his first 2 children being family, but his youngest somehow is excluded will lead to massive disharmony in your family. Can you have a discussion about the issue? I don't see an issue with him having one on one time with them (or two on one!) but he needs to think about how he views your family to ensure equity amongst the children

100% this.
Also doesn't he consider YOU his family?

Personally I’d take it slowly.

you are making progress here, his ex is crazy but you’ve got Saturday even though it’s under daft conditions. He’s right, baby won’t notice and it’s vital at this stage he gives his kids a great Saturday afternoon focussed on them so he can build on it.

I’m sure baby is a diamond, but what if baby happens to have a bad day for whatever reason and the kids go back a bit “meh, Dad was kind of busy with the baby”

Let them go and have a great time, they’ll go back to Ex saying they want to come back soon. Hell you could even plant a seed and have them go back saying “next time can we go over and see baby”

I know it’s difficult, but play her game for a bit, if you keep the moral high ground and keep the kids happy you will win in the long run.

Haven't read the FT yet but personally, I agree that the baby won't notice or mind as they have no concept of family day.

However. You said his girls love the baby and haven't seen your DD for three weeks. Surely, whether the baby will notice if it's included in family day or not is irrelevant. Surely it's important for your DPs daughters to continue creating a bond with their new sister.

So for me, that means your DD should be included so her big sisters can spend time with their new sibling and continue creating that bond.

read this and wondered whether OP was the OW my friend is currently struggling to come to terms with. am gathering not from the further details, but can really see both side on this one?

the ex will resent her dds not having quality time with their dad without his new family being there. She may resent the new relationship because she is now alone. However illogical her actions seem from your side, she may feel hurt/betrayed/lied to - and to write her off as CF/insane is not helpful. ever.

you may have been well-intentioned buying sdds new clothes - but she may have perceived this as a passive aggressive comment on how she dresses her kids. Do you see?

FWIW an afternoon without their baby sister will be a good thing for sdds relationship with their Dad. And the only way this mess will be sorted is to have a formal visitation agreement in place. And this agreement is between your dp and his ex - not you - so you need to be patient and try to be less judgemental IMO.

**“you may have been well-intentioned buying sdds new clothes - but she may have perceived this as a passive aggressive comment on how she dresses her kids. Do you see?”

Then that’s on the ex, not OP

I don’t think YABU at all.

I think the situation as a whole needs to change.

Your DP needs to scrape every penny he has to pay to take this to court. The the SD need time with their baby sister so they feel part of the family unit.

Ex is trying to keep a division between the siblings and DP is encouraging it.

Tbh he is at fault here for allowing it.

Why has he not been to court?

@Juells I don't understand what's wrong with the OP buying clothes for her stepdaughters?

@FruitofAutumn Such a strange comment.

Funny that because I don’t think that it would be good for the girls at all. Most kids of seperated parents feel abandoned by the parent that left. Most of what you fight against is to let them know that you still love them are there for them and still their parent even if in a different house.

Things can’t be good or this situation would not be an issue. You don’t know what is being said to them behind close doors. All it takes is one bitter outburst from the mother that he hasn’t got time for you because of his new baby/wife or a random thought entering their heads that they are no longer needed and that baby could start to feel like their replacement.

So then they get a couple of hours to sorbs time with their dad and along comes that baby too. No matter how good the baby is she will still need attention and if he’s feeding / changing her, telling them not to be tough, watching the baby etc it’s attention not going to them reinforcing that feeling of abandonment and being replaced.

Let the man focus the time on the two kids and make them feel special and wanted.