Should my DD go on 'family day'

[whatdoido33]

I posted a thread the other day about DP's ex not letting him see his children.

He's allowed to have them on Saturday for a couple of hours on the terms that I'm not there

I said to DP I'm sure his girls are missing their baby sister (4 month old) as they haven't seen her in about 3 weeks and are besotted by her when they come over. (She was born very prem and spent 11 weeks in hospital so everyone thinks she's very precious)

I asked DP if he's going to take our DD he said "No it's family day I need to make it all about them" which I understand, but why should my baby miss out on 'family day' with her dad and sisters? He works a lot so we only see him ourselves in the morning and before bed so a bit upset we can't join on the day tbh but I'm not bothered about me.

AIBU to want our baby to join the day or is she too young to even make a difference? Surely she's just as important?

I’m outraged that we live in a comunity that someone so obviously boarderline psychopathic and insane (clearly it’s really obvious given that a lay person has diagnosed it) is being allowed to circumvent every single safeguarding system we have despite it being a fact that it’s identifiable by the people who know her and those poor children have effectively been abandoned with them by their other parent.

Give your head a wobble op and work out that you may well be contributing towards the situation.

Then that’s on the ex, not OP

It is on the op if she’s getting into pissing wars with the mother which given the way she refers to her is highly likely.

I suppose it depends on whose 'family day' this is, OP. If it's the DP's family day then, yes, it is not unreasonable for you and the baby to go. If, on the other hand, it is a family day for the SDs, then their 'family' are your DP, your baby, and their mother. I'm sure you'd be delighted to agree to that, wouldn't you.

I don't actually think that you are being THAT unreasonable. The more he panders to ex and the more he separates his time between "families" the more he is creating a "them and us" situation. In the future you will have two lots of kids who resent each other for Daddy running off to the others, instead of one unit of children who see themselves as siblings. And yes your daughter is young, but his other girls are not and so having the baby there is about their perception of who she is and her place in the family - which is your husband's daughter and their sister. I agree that it is important for all children to have time alone with their parents but that is not what this is - he is taking two children and excluding another - even if that child is too young to notice this the other two are not and it will affect their perception of the family dynamics.

Sorry for taking so long to come back to the thread..

In my previous post it says we are taking kids on holiday abroad in 5 weeks and as DP pays for holiday, I pay for new clothes and spending money.

No I was not 'the other woman' and his ex had a new boyfriend and got pregnant by new bf when me and DP had just met.

Thanks to everyone who has read previous thread and understands but for anyone who hasn't... Ex accused me of doing cocaine when I was pregnant then said 'no wonder you're kid has problems' (breathing problems from prem lungs and has oxygen on the night time) .

She is jealous that kids are coming on holiday with us again for the 4th time and she is going away without them again.... for the 4th time.

I understand some people will say I'm BU because I'm the new partner, but I treat DSD exactly the same as my own such a buying clothes, taking them out when DP is at work, I usually make their tea most nights in the week as DP is working and I have a real good relationship with the girls.

The thing is baby won't notice but the dd's will!!
If their df is talking 'family day' and baby isn't invited then he is sending mixed messages that they don't need to accept the baby as it isn't really family!! Likely this will be fed by exw telling them it isn't a proper sibling which is a typical vicious ex phrase ime.
And he is an idiot to let ex dictate who /where he is with his own dc anyway.
I remember your other thread and agree she is batshit btw.

allysally

@Juells I don't understand what's wrong with the OP buying clothes for her stepdaughters?

Very few mothers want their children going off every weekend of their childhood (or whatever arrangement has been made) to someone we don't know. Would you be happy for some random stranger to be choosing clothes for your children? That's what it feels like. Your child comes home in strange clothes you'd never have chosen for him/her. It's over-stepping boundaries that the step-parent should be sensitive to. When the mother reacts badly, she can then be labelled a nut-case, psycho, crazy etc.. My own DD is a SM and gets on great with the mother of her SC because she learned what not to do from seeing what her own SM did when she was a child. Boundaries have to be acknowledged and respected or it leads to open warfare. The OP's partner is absolutely right when he doesn't want to bring the baby.

Also, we are waiting for court hearing. Didn't want to take it to court as arrangement has always been informal, we USUALLY have them for tea everyday after school and every weekend, however if need to change a day here or there it not usually a problem. Until she has an episode like now.

DP did not leave, Ex cheated and kicked him out.

Ex is currently in trouble with SS due to new partner and we are currently waiting for mortgage to go through and we will then be having the girls full time as asked by SS.

But surely if I buy my own DD lots of clothes and not them I'll be treating them differently? No?

I think If he's not seen them for a while it will be nice for him to have time with them on his own to reconnect.
Your daughter is far too young to notice that she isn't included. Hopefully the older kids spending time with dad becomes a regular thing then she can be included in the future

Your partners children see there dad for a few hours on a Saturday these kids are stuck between adults fighting I don't think you understand that these kids deserve their dads time too their sibling is a baby who will take their time away from their dad, family days out are for harmonious blended families and at the moment there is no harmony let him see his other children.

I don't actually think that you are being THAT unreasonable. The more he panders to ex and the more he separates his time between "families" the more he is creating a "them and us" situation.

If I'm understanding the situation correctly, the children spend a lot of time with the OP and their father. There's been a hiccup which led to him not seeing them for a while, so they'll be missing him. He's going to see them for a few hours on Saturday, that meeting will be very important to the children, they'll be desperate to see him and spend time with him, and have his attention. But no, OP has to shove her baby into the mix so they can't have his undivided attention. She might as well piss on his leg to establish her territory.

I can see why you are focusing on your DD and I do think it would be lovely for the DSDs to see her at least for a bit. I think your DP should take all 3 girls to a cafe or park or something so they can see her for a while then say to them that they're doing xxx (something active like a bike ride) now so it's best to take baby home. He can drop her off with you. Then he can focus on the DSDs 100% for the remainder of the time. No matter how easy and happy a 4 month old baby is, they still need a reasonable amount of focus and thought just in terms of feeding times, nappy changing etc. I think, having not seen him for a while, the 2 elder DDs need some of their Dad's undivided attention.

Ask the kids what they want and do that.

What just keep on doing what your doing and making the girls feel involved and loved.

You could go upstairs and let your partner briefly sit with his kids including your baby before they go out? Then you take over with the baby and they go out?

Your DD won't notice that she's not on 'family day' but I can see how him referring to it as 'family day' but excluding yours and your DPs DD would be upsetting!

It is likely that he would have to divide his attention with the baby there so it's fair that she doesn't go until she's a bit older BUT I think you could tell your DP that him referring to it as 'family day' but excluding your baby is a bit upsetting?

What about the kids coming round to see the baby and then forks and dad go out?

I’d refuse the caveat of you not being able to see them.

@Juells are you joking? Pushing MY baby on him? I didn't conceive for from the post man she's his daughter too! My post is about DP not treating all kids as family, i agree HIS girls deserve time alone with him, but if we was take OUR DD on a 'family day' without the girls we'd get told were completely in the wrong

If he only he them for a couple of hours could you do family day with the little one before/after?

OP - my post wasn't meant to shoot you down in flames. Obviously you have the full story - but there are always 2 sides in this, and however well-intentioned your efforts to include your dsds are, it may be that they inadvertently hurt DP's ex?

bit confused about your comment that you make them dinner every night though? do they live with you or with their Mum?

I just think for now he should see his children on his own the situation sounds really tense and any little thing and it would explode. It doesn't seem fair that the children are suffering because of adult situations.

Pushing MY baby on him?
No, pushing your baby on the other children when they will want to see their dad and have all his attention. He was stupid to say 'family day', but it's enough to pull him up on that.

Wow. Your oh hardly sees his kids, he must miss them terribly. Let him see them without giving him more grief. But also work through the courts to get regular access, which is then when you can fight for things to be different.

Yabvu

Stop being ridiculous, he see's your baby every day let him spend some time alone with his other kids.

OP stop thinking your baby is like a diamond and so precious above and beyond being a normal baby.

Every day is family day for you, your OH and your baby. He needs time with his daughters and they need time with him. Psycho ex aside its your DH who understandably wants to spend some grown up time with older daughters let him. When/If they move in full time the older children will need time with their dad without the baby (as they would if it were a full sibling)