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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt finding out days after birth?

65 replies

Livelaughlovetoday · 14/09/2018 21:08

One of my best friends from college had a baby recently and I only found out 3 days later. I feel hurt. She is not active on social media and generally really private. She lives overseas now and yes we are not in contact daily but I would have hoped to have had the happy news of baby’s arrival when it happened.

OP posts:
nopeni · 14/09/2018 21:09

... reverse?

Booboostwo · 14/09/2018 21:10

Maybe the birth didn’t go smoothly and she needed a bit of time to recover physically or emotionally? Maybe she wanted a few private days with the baby.

Don’t take it personally. I doubt it’s about you.

MyOtherProfile · 14/09/2018 21:10

3 days in is pretty early if she's not on SM. Did you think you might have been on ghr text list of the dad? The only people we told immediately were immediate family and close friends. Not sure I told anyone I was close to at college for some time.

JungWan · 14/09/2018 21:10

Were you in touch and had conversations where she chatted normally (you thoguht) but didn't mention a pregnancy

or did she just not happen to be in touch for 9 months nor you with her?

blackvelvetband · 14/09/2018 21:10

Yabu
A lot of people I know leave it for a few days 1. Because they are busy coming to terms with it all and 2. It's a nice private time to have with those closest to you without constantly sending / replying to messages on smart phones

masktaster · 14/09/2018 21:11

3 days for somebody you don't speak to every day and who isn't active on social media sounds pretty quick to me. It won't have been a snub, those early days are a whirly blur.

I announced DS's birth to most of my friends when he was 4 days old. Many of them hadn't even been told I was pregnant.

My close "in touch with very frequently" friends were told around 2/3 days, as I recall, but I spent quite a while after birth just enjoying the peace and time with DP and DS.

BookishCat · 14/09/2018 21:12

Did you know that she was pregnant? If not then I guess it’s reasonable to feel a bit sad that your friendship is no longer close. But then the sensible thing to do would be to contact her and be thrilled and supportive. If you mean that you knew she was having a baby, but that she ought to have told you the same day the baby was born, then obviously you’re being VU and need to think about her and not yourself.

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2018 21:13

Seriously? Some of our friends didnt find out til the card dropped through their letterbox 10 days later (we dont do social media).

Hidillyho · 14/09/2018 21:13

Do you have kids OP?
My assumption is that you don’t because 3 days is literally nothing. Especially if you haven’t had a smooth birth.
You have even said youre not close so I’m not sure why you expect a call as soon as the baby popped out

cheesefield · 14/09/2018 21:15

Reverse.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/09/2018 21:15

My good friend didn’t tell us for a week. Busy getting over a C section and coping with the new arrival. In the nicest possible way, OP, YANBU. 3 days isn’t that long when you’ve got a new baby to deal with.

Nothisispatrick · 14/09/2018 21:16

Good grief.

ShadyLady53 · 14/09/2018 21:18

For my best friend it was 3 weeks without a peep.

I was genuinely ready to call the police, thinking something awful had happened to her.

It turns out the birth had been particularly difficult, she’d almost passed away and felt completely in shock and traumatised. She couldn’t put into words what had happened and, as she was particularly young and fit, she hadn’t expected birth to be as difficult and she struggled with being a new parent. She couldn’t talk to anyone for quite sometime.

I do remember feeling hurt but realising it wasn’t all about me and, in reality, I was most likely one of the last people she was thinking of at that time! I quickly got over it too.

I don’t have kids yet but imagine id be lying low for a few days too. Please try not to take it personally. You’ll catch up just as normal and all will be forgotten in a while, I promise.

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/09/2018 21:19

Right.Hmm

Singlenotsingle · 14/09/2018 21:19

It's not about you. She had more important things to think about.

Original poster
Livelaughlovetoday · 14/09/2018 21:20

We were in contact frequently throughout her pregnancy. I had my first child years ago and she was still local and able to be one the first people to meet my newborn. I am hurt. I also know it’s a whirlwind in the beginning. So need to get my attitude in check.

OP posts:
ProseccoPoppy · 14/09/2018 21:20

Honestly? I think YABU. How much sooner would you expect to know?? Three days is fast...

We didn’t tell anyone but my parents (who were looking after DD) and PIL until I was home with DS - which was three nights after the birth so about four days. Even then it was just a few more, family (to the extent out parents hadn’t let people know yet) and very close friends. Most people we know would have found out another 10 days or so later when we sent formal birth announcement cards.

HeddaGarbled · 14/09/2018 21:21

Yep, definitely unreasonable. Plus self-centred and totally lacking in empathy. HTH.

Starlight345 · 14/09/2018 21:22

Yabu.

Devilishpyjamas · 14/09/2018 21:23

3 days? She’s probably still exhausted. Honestly, sometimes I think they should bring back confinement - or at least the idea of resting after birth.

ProseccoPoppy · 14/09/2018 21:23

Cross posted. It is a real shame that you are hurt - but obviously you can’t help how you feel. The unreasonable bit would be to let this become an issue between you or to say anything other than congratulations really.

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/09/2018 21:25

So need to get my attitude in check.
If you really are "hurt" because your friend didn't immediately inform you she had given birth then yes, you do need to get your attitude in check OP because it stinks.

ohdeardeardear · 14/09/2018 21:25

Why are you so needy? Hmm apart from family I didn't tell friends for a week - I just wanted to be in our bubble

Cynara · 14/09/2018 21:25

She's just given birth. Everything isn't about you. It's 3 days, not 3 months. You are being completely unreasonable.

ohdeardeardear · 14/09/2018 21:26

It was a week as the birth was horrific and I needed time to recover too.

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