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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt finding out days after birth?

65 replies

Livelaughlovetoday · 14/09/2018 21:08

One of my best friends from college had a baby recently and I only found out 3 days later. I feel hurt. She is not active on social media and generally really private. She lives overseas now and yes we are not in contact daily but I would have hoped to have had the happy news of baby’s arrival when it happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelaughlovetoday · 14/09/2018 21:27

I don’t think it’s because I’m self-centered and lacking in empathy.

I would love to be able to be the friend that is able to be there for her and help you. I loved her involvement with my children. I didn’t say we weren’t close. I said we were not in daily contact.

I’ll deal with my hurt! I guess it helps having your perspective. So thanks for that!

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 14/09/2018 21:28

It's not about you.

BadPolicy · 14/09/2018 21:28

It's not about you.

Echobelly · 14/09/2018 21:29

We have some close friends who have said very little about their pregnancies and we've almost picked it up by accident. In one case using donor sperm, as they're a female couple, so maybe wanted to keep quiet due to difficulty of conceiving, and another who'd had a couple of miscarriages, so I get in both cases why they didn't broadcast it. So people usually have their reasons.

Cynara · 14/09/2018 21:31

But what you would love for it to be like isn't what matters. Because you're not the one who has just given birth. Because It's. Not. About. You.

Defnotunique · 14/09/2018 21:32

Lol! You are the kinda person that I would actively try to avoid after something so personal as birth, potentially traumatic and exhausting!
It's her baby, not yours. Her choice when to reveal the arrival. Not yours.
Be happy for her!!!!
When you had your child she was local.... she's not anymore!! Get over yourself lol

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/09/2018 21:32

If she didn't tell you she was pregnant, then YANBU. If, as it sounds, you are hurt that she was too busy to update you for 72 hours after giving birth YABU.

Have you honed in on what about it makes you feel hurt? You know it's a busy time. You know you can't do the practical things she needs help with. What about her telling you sooner would be better? What would it have meant?

Original poster
Livelaughlovetoday · 14/09/2018 21:33

Hahahaha well look I get it’s not about me!!!

But I did post and I did ask if I WBU so I guess this post is. About. Me. Nuff said

OP posts:
Smellybean · 14/09/2018 21:37

What does reverse on here mean? I’ve alwys wondered.

Oh and op. Maybe you’re not as close as you think you are. So she’s not given it much thought ? Just an idea.

LilQueenie · 14/09/2018 21:39

so she used to be local then she moved abroad and you are not close friends. Sounds fairly normal. would you write or call loads of people abroad that you used to know to tell them you had given birth same day?

comedycentral · 14/09/2018 21:40

Give her a break OP. In the nicest possible way, it's not about you.

Rebecca36 · 14/09/2018 21:42

Three days is nothing. Feels like you've just given birth. Don't worry, she wasn't snubbing you.

Good for her not going on social media!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/09/2018 21:44

Reverse is speculation that the OP is so unreasonable actually it’s the other party posting. Here, it would be the new mother trying to work out why her friend is sulking over something tiny.

Batteriesallgone · 14/09/2018 21:46

Reverse means you have written it from the point of view of the person who is pissing you off. A common feature of MIL threads lol. Someone who is actually the DIL who post pretending to be the MIL ‘DIL won’t let me feed her 6 week old baby chocolate, is she BU?’ for example.

It’s annoying because you might put a fair bit of time and effort into posting in a way you think will get through to the ‘OP’ only to then realise the person behaving unreasonably will never read it because it’s been written by someone else!

Smellybean · 14/09/2018 21:47

Reverse is speculation that the OP is so unreasonable actually it’s the other party posting. Here, it would be the new mother trying to work out why her friend is sulking over something tiny.

Thank you. Grin

Smellybean · 14/09/2018 21:48

Batteriesallgone
Smile thank you

Katedotness1963 · 14/09/2018 21:51

Maybe she’s still in hospital? I had my youngest in Germany and, at that time anyway, they kept you in for five days as standard.

barleyreed · 14/09/2018 21:55

There is often no phone signal in hospital. You never know about complications with Mum or baby too. You may still have been one of the first people she contacted!

Sparklesocks · 14/09/2018 21:55

YABU - you’re not her priority at the moment

Slipp3rs · 14/09/2018 21:58

Wow, with mine I hardly told anyone. Just waited until the news got out naturally.

Didn’t even cross my mind that people were so self obsessed that they would be hurt they didn’t receive a text message from me directly.

I’m not on SM and if I don’t find out someone’s has their baby (If it’s written on there) I don’t feel hurt.

thecatsthecats · 14/09/2018 22:02

I would love to be able to be the friend that is able to be there for her and help you. I loved her involvement with my children.

I know you've accepted that YABU, but it's also not about the support YOU want to give her. My sister has people falling over themselves to "help" her. She wishes they'd sod off so she can have some peace!

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2018 22:05

3 days?! What did you expect exactly, live updates as she crowned?

MyOtherProfile · 14/09/2018 22:07

She may well still be grateful for your help once she's settled and in a routine and over the shock of it all. Offer to go visit when she is ready and see how it goes from there. I don't think it means she doesn't feel close to you or want you around necessarily.

Petalflowers · 14/09/2018 22:12

Telling you is not her priority. Her priority is her new baby. You say you have a child. Can you remember how she’ll shocked that feeling is.

londonrach · 14/09/2018 22:13

Yabu. Im vv active on fb but never once said i was pregnant and announced about a week later id had a baby. Lots of close friends had no idea so shocked but all congratulated us. Reason not mention before birth as really did think id get that far in pregnancy. I was stuck in hospital with no wifi till day 3. Since having dd my fb access has really dropped. One week is nothing especially for someone not on sm.