Treating her the same

[Newbabies15]

My mil and dil look after my dc one day a week. I posted about this the other day - we hadn't started weaning yet and she had given them yogurt. It wasn't the yogurt that was the issue but the fact that she thought she didn't have to ask.
We went there for dinner yesterday and my mil said she had also had other pieces of fruit and that "we don't have to tell mammy and daddy everything do we?"
They are really good with dc but I find that annoying.
I've decided to become the same way. I used to message her all the time with photos of dc. Telling her what we had done today but now "we don't have to tell mil and dil everything do we?"
Mil has also started being quite bitchy. Before we had dc she used to always ask if we wanted a cup of tea for example and make it , bring it over. Now she's like - i'm sure she can handle making it herself.
I don't know but something's changed. But as I said they are very good with dc.

I think you're being a bit petty. Of course you can make your own tea. If your mil is looking after your kids then you should be comfortable enough to get your own tea!

Chill about the weaning. Unless your child is way too young or has allergies the odd taste won't hurt x

Also if she's looking after your dc why on earth would you stop sending pics etc? Surely you want to develop a good relationship?

Fuck!

You're a parent. That's worrying.

Actually yeah i am being petty

Why are you escalating this into a war? You shouldn’t deprive your MIL of photos of your kids because she thinks you can make your own tea. And is it really an issue if she gives your kids the occasional taste of food?

She’s great with your DC and she helps you out with childcare. It is mind bogglingly petty that you’re having a passive aggressive fight over something that you admit yourself isn’t a big deal to you.

No idea why people are being harsh to you OP.

I agree, if my MIL (or anyone for that matter) gave my dc food before I had weaned them without asking I would also be very annoyed. Yogurt isn't very good as a first food either! How old are your dc?

6 months

I just feel yeah they're good with dc but we wanted to give them their first tastes. And also - mil thinks she's right. And did what SHE thought , basically daying I'm wrong.

Don’t sweat the small stuff OP.

It’s fine if mil wants to offer small tastes of things. It takes a village and all that....
You can’t expect to have control over every single little thing. Relax.

You sound like a typical first time parent where everything is a major first/major event in DC's life when really this is all a bit silly. I think escalating it was a normal response but not warranted and so PILs are miffed (rightly so). De-escalate and go back to harmonious relationship. I would also try to talk with MIL about how she probably remembers the first year with DC and how everything is all so new and overwhelming and no need to make this a crazier situation just to try and work with you on what's important.

Try not to worry about it, you get most of the firsts, this might be doing you a favour. It’s not worth damaging the relationship with your PIL over.

I’d be really upset if someone else gave my DD her first foods and irritated at the idea that of mil saying I didn’t need to know everything.
When you leave your DD with someone you want to feel confident they’ll do what you ask them to do.
I’d have a chat with her though and explain that you’re upset and get it out in the open

I don’t agree that this is ‘small stuff’. Decisions on when and how to wean are for the parents to make so I would feel annoyed about this too OP.

Don’t get drawn into a tit for tat though, you don’t need to play games. Just make it clear that weaning is not her decision to make and therefore you do not want her giving your DC food yet.

If she becomes difficult or can’t accept that then you might have to make other childcare arrangements for the one day pw she has your DC.

She wouldn’t be having them on their own again.

Giving a unweaned baby food because ‘we don’t have to tell mammy & daddy everything’ is nothing like giving a 3 Yo a couple of extra chocolate buttons. There’s no way I’d trust her again. Weaning is not simply about ‘firsts’, it’s much more important than that & carries risks of allergic actions and all sorts. Then there’s the issue of what the hell else would she feel at liberty to do? Not bother with a car seat? Who knows...

I think you are completely justified in being annoyed if they are starting any part of the weaning process before you are ready to. Did your DC even show signs of readiness for weaning or was she going on an old-fashioned view of starting at 4 months? My MIL gives my DD more sugar than I am happy with now she is older which O just suck up but she never interfered with our choices from 0-1

I think this is the start of her undermining you.

"Then there’s the issue of what the hell else would she feel at liberty to do?"

Heroin?

Corporal punishment?

Locking her under the stairs so she can pop to the shops?

It's a slippery slope...

I would be absolutely fuming about the weaning and keeping secrets. I would look into alternative childcare arrangements but still develop their relationship by taking DC over at weekend for visits.

My MIL did all this and to be honest I just couldn't be bothered getting annoyed.

DH survived childhood well so I figured that a bit of biscuit now and then wouldn't do any harm.

Unless your 6 month old babies are are speaking so fluently that one of them told you grandma gave them yogurt, she did tell you, albeit retrospectively, didn't she? It seems to be quite common on MN to accept free childcare without giving GP's any autonomy whatsoever, and yoghurt is a fairly common thing to give babies (assuming it's not one with Smarties in the corner!). I can see it may be a bit annoying, but I think you're overreacting.

I'd feel the same way: depriving a mother of 'firsts' and encouraging slyness and keeping things from you is not healthy. However, don't be a dick back. It won't help. Tell her how you feel honestly and gently. You may need to stop the MIL childcare or accept that she has some autonomy to build a relationship with your child and take care of them their way. But if she ever tells your child to keep secrets from mum, that would be deal breaker as this leaves them prepared for abusers who tell them to keep secrets.

Lipstick - yeah I know how you feel. I'm miffed and I'm being petty but it's just annoying. If I was a mil I'd just follow my dil's lead. There's no need to be anything else. Oh great , 5 bottles of milk today and a nap here and there. No need to give first foods. I wouldn't do it because I'd feel it wasn't my place. I think mil got overexcited and couldn't help herself. My dh is adopted and I think she sees this as her opportunity? I just cba with her tbh.

I’m surprised people are OK with this. I don’t see it as any different to a nursery or childminder deliberately doing something like this.

As a PP said it’s not the same as giving an older child a few extra chocolate buttons. This is someone else consciously making the decision to start weaning your baby onto solids.

Made even worse by the MIL then saying the parents don’t need to know about it which says to me she either knows it’s wrong or is deliberately being controlling.

I guess I need to give some autonomy

Never ever encourage a child to keep secrets from mammy and daddy that 8s the part 8 would take great issues with