Treating her the same

[Newbabies15]

My mil and dil look after my dc one day a week. I posted about this the other day - we hadn't started weaning yet and she had given them yogurt. It wasn't the yogurt that was the issue but the fact that she thought she didn't have to ask.
We went there for dinner yesterday and my mil said she had also had other pieces of fruit and that "we don't have to tell mammy and daddy everything do we?"
They are really good with dc but I find that annoying.
I've decided to become the same way. I used to message her all the time with photos of dc. Telling her what we had done today but now "we don't have to tell mil and dil everything do we?"
Mil has also started being quite bitchy. Before we had dc she used to always ask if we wanted a cup of tea for example and make it , bring it over. Now she's like - i'm sure she can handle making it herself.
I don't know but something's changed. But as I said they are very good with dc.

I'd be annoyed too OP. You are the parents and so you decide (and your DH obviously) when to wean and what to feed.
Your mil had no right to take that away Fro you and was definitely out of order being sneaky.
You need to have a chat with her and make it clear what your boundaries are.
I'm sure she's just thrilled to be looking after a grandchild but she must remember that it is your child.

newbabies. Guess the point here is that it’s already happened so it can’t be undone now anyway. How much autonomy you give is entirely up to you and dependant on what you’re comfortable with.

I think at this point I’d perhaps have a conversation and maybe re-agree some boundaries so that this doesn’t keep happening. Eg if you’re happy with the fruit and yoghurt that’s fine but if would you prefer no other foods to be introduced yet then it’s worth clarifying that.

I understand where you're coming from actually.

You're the mother and it must be upsetting to see someone else take over that role in a small way by giving them yogurt etc first.

I don't think you're being petty, but I think you should try and let it go. Your MIL does help out with childcare, so you do need them on side for everyone's sake.

Just thank God that you don't live with them

Yes Annaology I agree

I'd have found the weaning thing undermining actually especially followed up by the 'we don't have to tell mummy everything'.

But its family so you have to work to a solution, not escalate it.

Thing is , I can't control her. If she's being like that - chances are in time my kids will react in the same way. Giving enough rope

Weaning is a big stage and decisions on this are for the parent to manage. At least she is 6 months not 4. I think it would make me uneasy because although a bit of yoghurt or fruit realistically isn't going to do them any harm (though official advice is now to start on more savoury foods ) I'd be worried about what else they were going to override eg safe sleeping, potty training before they are ready etc

Not sure what the best way to approach it is though. Maybe get your husband to have a chat and say she is a great mum but advice has changed and you want to follow current advice on everything so please check with you first before making any changes to what you do at home. It will be less confusing for the baby as well. I'd also explain that saying things like 'no need to tell mummy everything' is now (presumably) frowned upon as it can encourage children to think it's normal to have secrets with adults and can leave them open to abuse

I'm not bothered really about the yogurt although it was full of sugar. 🙄
I'm just annoyed that she thought it was her place to give. She knows I can't afford childcare and does what she wants because she can.
She's not bad and I do trust her but why be like that - it's like she wants to remind me that I'm not all that.

I'm not bothered really about the yogurt although it was full of sugar. 🙄
I'm just annoyed that she thought it was her place to give. She knows I can't afford childcare and does what she wants because she can.
She's not bad and I do trust her but why be like that - it's like she wants to remind me that I'm not all that.

I understand you being annoyed .

What I cannot understand is this weird thing that crops up time and again on MN where parents accept regular childcare from the grandparents when it’s clear they aren’t happy with certain aspects of it

It’s pretty obvious that although your in laws are generally good with your child, you don’t find them very easy, even small things about them irritate you and in your own words you ‘cba with you MIL.’

Thats the bit I don’t get. If you let the grandparents just be grandparents - ie develop a relationship with them, visit them, send photos, and yes have them babysit as an occasional thing if that’s convenient- I would pretty much guarantee you’d feel differently and would be more easy going. They might indulge your child now and again and perhaps do things you might not do but it wouldn’t feel like a big deal to you.

Doing regular childcare is a different ball game because a key thing is consistency and knowing that your wishes are respected. If you’re not getting that from the grandparents, why continue? This is your child, it’s about finding the best possible care you can. Is the issue that you can’t afford childcare? In that case you have my sympathy because I think it must be really tough to have to compromise on such an important thing

Yes I can't afford childcare

Cross post there.
That’s a tough one as you can’t afford proper childcare. Sometimes you see similar threads from people who just want a freebie from the grandparents and it’s hard to be sympathetic when they then moan about it

I think all you can do is pick your battles, get your dh to speak to them about the most important things, but tbh as they’re doing a massive favour you’ll have to compromise on some things. On the plus side once your child is older you’ll get some free nursery hours so this won’t last forever

That's true. Thanks

I wouldn’t be happy either.
But then I wouldn’t have had a child I couldn’t provide childcare for.

We have twins 🙄

The secret thing would annoy me because I would imagine when they are older and have more understanding that she would encourage more secrets. Maybe she would take them places you wouldn't like and just tell them to keep it a secret, for example. It could become a 'them vs mummy' situation.

However I agree with pp that if you don't like it, you need to pay for childcare.

First off do you really text and tell them everything because that is sharing overload

secondly I think you need to get realistic boundaries in place - some autonomy for the caregiver but within boundaries that you place.

Eg fruit, yoghurt and baby snacks are fine sweets and adult biscuits snacks are not

You dont need to be told everything but you need some information

My mum done and still does the same with me and my ds. In the beginning it used to piss me off chronic. But I've been quite chilled. I just let her get on with it. Grandparents have a right to be naughty with the grandchildren and vice versa. Be nice huni

You take free childcare and then criticise them. You don’t like how they do it - then look after them yourself.

I suspect a slightly more relaxed and experienced grandparent might be a bit better at the whole weaning business than an over precious parent. Weaning isn’t about your desire to “give them their first taste” it’s about getting the child to eat what’s in front of it with minimal fuss.
They’ve done you a favour.

Looking after 6 month old twins... gosh, not what I’d want to be doing on a regular basis as a grandparent.

I’m not excusing their behaviour mind, but perhaps it may help you to lighten up a bit and appreciate that they’re perhaps the in laws are perhaps a bit overwhelmed at times and it’s about getting through the day!

I’m assuming you would have been able to afford childcare for one baby but not two, so have perhaps landed in this situation unexpectedly? I do feel for you (it’s yonks ago now but we have twins in our family and I was terrified of having them first time round because the cost would have prevented me from returning to work)
But remember this would have been unexpected for the grandparents as much as for you... I doubt they imagined caring for 6 months old twins in their retirement.

Also agree with PP that perhaps backing off abit from the daily photos and stuff might help. It all sounds abit intense

You're right I do need to lighten up and chill out. And yeah it is a bit intense.

Ok, I maybe wouldn't go tit for tat with your reaction, however, it is completely normal to have a reaction.

Your MIL and DIL must have thought they were ready for weaning, but they should have discussed this with you, because they are your kids, not theirs, and you should have been the one to instigate it, not them - it's about boundaries, and they've overstepped the mark here.

Next time they start talking about keeping secrets, I'd simply say "we are going to teach the DC to keep surprises, not secrets, but I guess this weaning was a surprise" smile, and laugh it off

It's difficult in that they provide childcare, but you're not being unreasonable to feel frustrated. I suppose you're not going to change what's happened though.

I normally think the majority of MIL and childcare threads are people over reacting, but I would have been really annoyed at this OP. More so the 'we don't have to tell mommy and daddy everything'. If someone was looking after my child, family or not, I wouldn't want to feel like they were hiding things from me. I've got an uncle who does this with his grandkids, calls them 'special grandad secrets' and it really makes me cringe. Last time I saw them he fed them so much cake they threw up on their plates and then said 'it's special grandad secrets though, we don't tell mom and dad'.

Did you tell them you hadn't started weaning yet? If so then it's very out of order. Either way, I would definitely be having a conversation to explain no other foods until you've introduced them, in case of allergic reactions.

Also, grandparents aren't necessairly doing childcare for free out of the goodness of their hearts. A lot want time alone with their grandchildren and it's a win win for them and the parents (you only have to look on here or gransnet to see that). But even if you're looking after your grandchild for free, it's still someone else's child, you still should follow the parents lead.

You've probably already looked into this OP, but have you checked how many tax credits you would get if paying for childcare? Looked into things like childcare. And I don't think you need to chill out, being a first time mom to one child was stressful enough, I can't imagine how hard it is with twins!

Forgot to say, I wouldn't react in the same way as you, I would be having a conversation with her instead.

People get so hung up about weaning. As long as baby is 6 months and as long as MIL isn't giving her Greggs sausage rolls or whatever then does it matter? I have never understood this burning desire to be the first person to give the baby a taste of yoghurt (or whatever), it's really not that exciting.

Don't stop sending pics and updates over this, they are good enough for free childcare so should be good enough for you to still be kind to. And if they are giving free childcare you can't really dictate what they do on the days they have their grandchild. You want more control? You pay for it.