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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheating BIL

75 replies

Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:17

BIL (DH brother) has left DSIL to move in with OW after a period of trying to work it out after the affair first being found out.

DSIL is lovely. We are close and she deserves so much better than this. Thankfully no DC involved as an aside.

DH and I are so disappointed in his choices.

I’m now envisioning soon being introduced to OW as his GF and family gatherings etc.

I get that people break up under similar circumstances all the time but I don’t have experience with this angle. Please wise ladies of MN advise me/us on what to say, how to behave towards them as a ‘new couple’. 😒

AIBU that as I care for my DSIL I can’t just be all nice to the OW? But how do you behave so as not to sever all ties? It’s DH brother after all and it’s just maddening that he’s such a prick.

Thanks.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/08/2018 20:20

Urgh how awful. I would be civil and make small talk but that would be it for a good while. I would maintain my relationship with SIL obviously.

NewYearNewMe18 · 10/08/2018 20:20

Why would be nasty to OW , you've never met her, she is probably very nice.

BIL is a grown up, his choices are none of your business. You may think SIL is wonderful, but you weren't the one living with her (or with him). My advice is mind your own business, be civil.

There is nothing to stop you seeing SIL separately if you want to continue the friendship, just don't go running with tittle tattle and gossiping

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:23

I don’t want to be nasty, that’s the point.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2018 20:23

The thing to do is to not make it about you. So in that vein; treat BIL's girlfriend with curtesy and respect. Provided you both want to there's no reason why you can't maintain a relationship with your current sister-in-law. Presuming that you don't all live in each other's pockets there won't really be any bitter pills for you to swallow.

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:24

But she is the type of woman who would sleep with someone else’s husband.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 10/08/2018 20:25

Don't be so unctuous.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/08/2018 20:26

Yes but the husband knew he had a wife too. I would be pissed at both of them tbh. Would probably avoid seeing them for a good while if I could.

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:28

@newyearnerme18 how exactly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:30

@duck yes we are very angry with him too. He won’t be showing himself for some time I expect. PILs will be civil and welcoming to her I’m sure as they only care about his happiness. But eventually, he will and we will have to see us and we will have to face it!!

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NewYearNewMe18 · 10/08/2018 20:31

Her sex life, BILs sex life is none of your business. In fact no ones sex life, other than yours is your business.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/08/2018 20:34

Don't be ridiculous NewYear. People get upset when someone they care about gets deeply hurt and their life is turned upside down because their husband has been shagging around.

There aren't many people who wouldn't be upset by this.

gabsdot · 10/08/2018 20:35

I've been in a similar situation although it was the SIL who left for OM. MIL was so desperate to maintain relations that she invited EXSIL with her new baby. (OMs child) to Christmas day tea.
She did come, with the baby and Niece and nephew.
It was the most uncomfortable social situation I have ever endured. Poor BIL was handed the baby and forced to admire the love child of his ex-wife. The rest of us tried to make small talk. UGH, cringe
Anyway I digress.
My point is that in cases like these you will probably have to take sides and that side will be your BIL.

Trunkisareshite · 10/08/2018 20:38

Behave NewYear! It isn’t about other people’s sex lives! How naff. I think the OP is actually worried about how to deal with BILs new relationship, which has probably felt like an earthquake going off through the family and how to tailor her behaviour so as not to compromise her own morals, hurt her SIL further and not cause any long term damage to her relationship or her DH relationship with the BIL. Not that the OW and BIL cared about that whilst enjoying their ‘sex life’. It’s not that hard to comprehend.

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:43

@greatduckcookery that’s just it. We are upset with this.

DSIL will move on and have a really happy life without him. She’s past the point of devastation and has so much to offer the world and eventually another man. She really doesn’t want him back now.

It’s just going to be so very awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:44

@trunkisareshite AMEN!

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Pissedoffdotcom · 10/08/2018 20:46

I wouldn't be engaging i'm afraid. With either of them...he could fuck right off then fuck off some more. I hate anybody who thinks it is okay to cheat & whilst there is every possibility the OW had been fed lies about the relationship, i couldn't engage with her either.

I guess it comes down to how much you actually have to socialise with them. Do you have big family events that they will attend or is it a case of see them when you see them?

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:48

@gabsdot gah that sounds really awkward!!!

I hope we won’t have to take sides! BIL knows we won’t be happy about his choice.

I expect DSIL to always be in our lives. She’s my child’s aunt and just a wonderful woman. He’s a shit but I doubt BIL would expect us to sever ties either!

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 10/08/2018 20:50

GreatDuckCookery oh don't be wet. Relationships break up all the time . I suppose BIL is supposed to stay in a relationship he clearly isn't happy in, just to maintain the status quo for extended family and in-laws.

The dying duck in a thunderstorm amateur dramatics of having to meet someone who sleeps with other peoples husbands is laughable. You wouldn't be talking to most of the school gate or your colleagues if that were the case.

SandyY2K · 10/08/2018 20:51

Some really sarcastic rude posters here.

OP..It's a crap situation. I wouldn't be too keen to meet the OW and would most likely make myself unavailable if they planned to visit....at least for a little while anyway.

If they stay together long enough and establish their relationship after maybe a year, then I'd be prepared to meet her.

Unless in the meantime a family event meant we met sooner.

@gabsdot

Your poor BIL. I would have felt betrayed by my own mother if I was him.

lapenguin · 10/08/2018 20:52

If she knew he was married and that she's the reason they split then she won't want to show her face for a while... If she's smart Atleast. If she has no sense of 'oh shit' about what she did then she will probably want to meet everyone ASAP and make them all love her and replace your dsil.
I probably would limit conversation. I would be polite but uninterested in making any real relationship with this woman.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 10/08/2018 21:01

A friend of mine was in the same position and has remained close to the Ex-SIL for over 14 years. Her Ex-SIL is her DC's Godmother and they see more of one another than my friend does her DB.

I think people have to live with the consequences of the choices they make and if you're fond of SIL there's no reason to cut her out of your life. Your BIL can do as he pleases but you don't have to dance a happy dance for their newfound love when it's been built on such rocky ground.

Of course he shouldn't have stayed in an unhappy marriage, but there's an appropriate way to leave a marriage which doesn't involve fucking your spouse over. It's a shame more people don't see that.

ihatebikerides · 10/08/2018 21:05

I would struggle with the whole idea of a new partner being photoshopped into the family whilst a much-loved sil was air-brushed out. I would be polite, but no more for the time being.

And as for "she is probably very nice," well, not nice enough to kick an obviously married man into touch. And I would be pretty chilly towards him too, I'm afraid. Killing the fatted calf and being all matey straightaway just legitimises shoddy behaviour, in my book. So shoot me for being judgemental.

LeftRightCentre · 10/08/2018 21:08

I'm with Pissed. My brother did this. I haven't spoken to him in years and my parents only occasionally. We're very close to ex-SIL and their children, however. He's a dickhead.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 10/08/2018 21:11

Not family but our best friends split up due to an affair. We expected his wife would disappear off the face of the earth but in fact she (together with her new partner) is still very much in our lives and she and I had a weekend away together earlier this year. We did meet his new woman and in fact DH was their best man (much to his surprise) but despite us bring friendly and welcoming to her - or so I thought - she clearly didn't like us so we haven't seen them for years.

Good luck OP and rise above...

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 21:11

@idontbelieveinthemoon yes- there is an appropriate way to leave an unhappy marriage. He chose to try to force her hand with the affair, probably thinking she’d throw him out to begin with and was surprised she wanted to work it out.

@lapenguin yes she knew he was married and she herself was in a LTR. Apparently he pursued her through a shared hobby club. Brought her round to meet DSIL for tea with her BF after they were already shagging (as was discovered later).
Can’t fathom doing that on either of their parts.

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